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Umberto Robina: Anyway, I wanted to tell you, me and Papi, to us, you Cuban. You have proved yourself, man. You got big cojones.
Tommy Vercetti: Well thank you, Umberto. Nobody's said that to me since I left jail.
Sonny Forelli: So Tommy, what was the big plan? You think I was gonna take the fake cash, save face, and walk away with my tail between my legs?
Tommy Vercetti: No. I just wanted to piss you off before I killed you.
Sonny Forelli: Obviously you are suffering from hearing problems, so I'll try again.
[shouting]
Sonny Forelli: Where's the goddamn money? Where's the goddamn stuff? And where's my cut of your new action?
[stops shouting]
Sonny Forelli: You are making an idiot out of me, Tommy, and I'm not laughing yet.
Tommy Vercetti: Who does this guy think he is? Now I gotta dress like a chump as well as hang out with him? I like this shirt.
Tommy Vercetti: Sonny, you have my personal assurance that I'm gonna get you your money back, and the drugs, and I'm gonna mail you the dicks of those responsible.
Umberto Robina: Hey if Leo knows you've got his phone he'll kill you.
Tommy Vercetti: Maybe Leo's already dead. Maybe I killed Leo and took his phone. You ever think of that, prick?
Lance Vance: It's time for the Lance Vance Dance.
Tommy Vercetti: This is the last dance for Lance Vance!
[Stealing a pedestrian's Car]
Tommy Vercetti: You've got insurance, so don't be a prick.
Steve Scott: I can finally put my dad in a home and tell him to SHUT UP.
Steve Scott: Tommy? It's Steve... You're a marvel! I'm a marvel! They love us! We are re-writing the record books, pal. We are talking major awards here! I can put my dad in a home and tell him to shut up. It's HOT man. HOT. H-O-T. He never believed in me, but now I've made it! I'm the best dam' skin-flick director of all time, my friend! And I just wanted to say, it's a pleasure to have met you! I love you baby, don't go changing on me you hear!
Colonel Juan Garcia Cortez: [is fighting off French agents on his yacht] This is for Piaf, Gainesbourg and your STUPID French bread!
Avery Carrington: Nothing brings down real estate prices like a good old fashioned gang war.
[to Steve Scott]
Tommy Vercetti: What did I tell you before? NO GIANT SHARKS.
Pastor Richards: I'll tell you about morality. Morality is what I say is right, and immorality is what I say is wrong.
Pastor Richards: As I say in my book, many are called, but unless you have a good credit rating, go screw yourself, you'll burn in hell.
[to Tommy Vercetti]
Pepe: Man, you da main man. Anytime man, because you got cajones and all my friends, they got BIG cajones.
Pastor Richards: One day while sitting in class you'll look outside the window to see Russians dropping down to take us over. What are you gonna do then, huh? Run into the woods with your friends, put twigs in your hair, call yourselves the Wolverines and fight off the Russians? I think not.
BJ Smith: So remember, to succeed in life, you must eliminate everything in your path, in a blind rage.
Tommy Vercetti: What did I do wrong in a past life?
Phil Cassidy: Hilary has abandonment issues. Something about his momma.
Tommy Vercetti: Abandonment issues? What a freak. Why can't I meet someone that's normal for a change?
Tommy Vercetti: I did your wife, you poor bastard.
Tommy Vercetti: You took fifteen years from me, Sonny, and now I'm gonna make you pay!
Sonny Forelli: You still don't get it, do you? I *own* you, Tommy. Those fifteen years were mine to spend!
Tommy Vercetti: You Kent Paul? I'm a friend of Rosenberg.
Kent Paul: Rosenberg... Rosenberg... Oh, that bonkers ambulence chaser! That guy could defend an innocent man all the way to Death Row!
[laughs]
[chased by cops]
Tommy Vercetti: I'm innocent!
[Tommy has killed a lot pedestrians]
Tommy Vercetti: Remember the name! Tommy Vercetti!
Konstantinos Smith: I haven't seen the sun in over 18 years.
Hilary King: Oh boy, as passenger. Wait until I tell the group about this.
Pastor Richards: Shall I send him to hell, Maurice?
Maurice Chavez: Yes - I mean, no. No, you psychotic lunatic.
Lazlow: You know if one more mom calls in complaining, "My son listened to your station and then he flunked out of school, wa-wa-wa...”, well how you gonna learn to party at school, mom?
Lazlow: Geez, vets are so cranky. Look, if you don't like the music, start your own station. It's easy.
Ken Rosenberg: What the hell are we gonna do?
Tommy Vercetti: Shut up, sit down. I'll tell you what we're gonna do. You're gonna find out who took our cocaine, and then, I'm gonna kill them.
Lazlow: All right, we're going to take a break and then hit the phones... really hard with our heads.
Alex Shrub: Well, look at this. Stump jumpin' Jethro is using all three of his brain cells to talk.
Barry Stark: [nude] Look, I'm jumping. Look at me.
Officer on Police Radio: We got a fat woman stuck in an elevator and I'm checkin' it out!
Officer "Jones" on police radio: Backup Requested! Backup Requested IMMEDIATELY! Over.
Officer "Miller" on police radio: Got a problem Jones? Why don't you try fighting crime and get away from that microphone you dumb asshole!
Officer "Jones" on police radio: You're an asshole, Miller!
Lance Vance: [after returning to Diaz with coke] Good shooting, my friend. You're a real, proper, grade A, lunitic.
Tommy Vercetti: Well, thank you.
Lance Vance: See you around, Tommy.
Tommy Vercetti: Ok, Mr. Lance Vance Dance.
Maurice Chavez: ...And what about other crimes? It seems car crime, fashion crime, drugs, everything is on the rise.
Callum Crayshaw: Absolutely, of course it is! When I was in Uganda people were poor, but they were happy. The more you have, the less you have. That's kind of what I'm all about. Their satisfaction in spending all day weaving a basket, rather than just buying one at the store. At one point in Uganda, I saw a great lake of sand and a massive speaking dog. It was a dog of love, not of hate. It was a spirit journey.
Maurice Chavez: What ARE you talking about?
Callum Crayshaw: I'm talking about hopes... dreams... the magic of television. Especially public television. Puppets can say what men cannot.
Jan Brown: If you look at nature, you'll see many species that eat their children to protect them. This is especially true of hamsters.
Konstantinos Smith: There's only one thing good about life.
Maurice Chavez: And that is?
Konstantinos Smith: Death.
Maurice Chavez: Death?
Konstantinos Smith: Yeah. And dying, that's good too.
Jez Torrent: Do you know how they play ping-pong in Thailand? Well it doesn't involve a paddle if you know what I mean.
Alex Shrub: Oh, at first, women couldn't vote. But the liberals come in crying crocodile tears.
Lazlow: Don't forget, Love Fist are in town right now - or is it 'Love Fist *is* in town'? Whatever. I flunked school cause I'm hardcore.
Konstantinos Smith: I'd like to be all shot up with embalming fluid.
Maurice Chavez: That can be arranged.
Commercial Announcer: Are you tired of Dad?
Commercial Boy: Dad, no one wants to hear your stupid Vietnam stories!
Commercial Announcer: Are you tired of Mom?
Commercial Mom: Hi, honey, do you want to go outside or read a book?
Commercial Boy: No!
Umberto Robina: Are you playing stupid with me?
Tommy Vercetti: No, I think you're playing plenty stupid enough for both of us.
Tommy Vercetti: Ok guys. Calm down, I'll handle this. Normally I wouldn't busy myself with driving around a bunch of drunken Scottish bisexuals, but in YOUR case, I'll make an exception!
Maurice Chavez: LEAVE. LEAVE RIGHT NOW. Get out of my studio. Go get your own radio show. Go save some other people.
Michelle Montanius: The hordes are so uneducated they can barely understand multi-syllabic sentences like "Clean my shoes better, Marissa, or I'll report you to the IRS".
Michelle Montanius: If you're listening to this station and you haven't made a donation, then you are a thief.
BJ Smith: Are you reading a book during this interview?
DJ Amy Sheckenhausen: Are you kidding? I can barely read.
[on men]
Michelle Carapadis: They run the world my pretty, oh yes, they run the world. Look at Reagan, Thatcher, Gorbachov. While we stay home and bake cookies, well, screw that. Don't bake him a cookie, smack him in the face with the baking tray instead.
Pastor Richards: I'm gona build a 45 foot tall highly fortified structure in the shape of the most powerful thing on earth, me.
Claude Maginot: I feel dirty, like I just sat in something.
DJ Amy Sheckenhausen: You did, our last guest was taken violently ill.
Pastor Richards: Anyone who disagrees with me is mentally ill and should be shot.
Jonathan Freeloader: Here's a $10 donation from Fran in Little Haiti. Wow... you'd think she could have given more than that.
Michelle Montanius: Yes, mean bitch. I hope she dies an agonizing death.
Congressman Alex Shrub: You have no idea what it takes to serve, the sacrifices, I've made to help my country, to help Vice City. The complexity of the government, the... the hideousness of my wife and the way her thighs grow like our national debt. Oh, sure, some people like that, but not me, it's a nightmare my friend, and having it thrown back at me by an ingrate like you... I can scarcely get up in the morning!
Maurice Chavez: And with that outrageous revelation, let's take a quick break.
[Stealing a car]
Tommy Vercetti: Just think of this as socialism in action.
Mr. Zoo: They made me say "I love you".
DJ Amy Sheckenhausen: Oh, I made my boyfriend say that and he slept with my best friend. See, now we're bonding.
[Tommy Vercetti and Lance Vance impersonating cops]
Tommy Vercetti: Remember, smile at the other cops.
Lance Vance: Hey there, officer. Nice badge, nice badge.
Tommy Vercetti: Real smooth, Lance.
BJ Smith: My coach pumped me so full of hatred and steroids, that I couldn't feel pain. Hell, I had to break my own leg, just for fun.
Pastor Richards: And I digress, and plug.
Maurice Chavez: Stop that.
Ken Rosenberg: Hey, hey Tommy, Tommy, look, I had this mini-bar installed.
Tommy Vercetti: We got a whole bar downstairs, Ken.
Narrator: Jack Howitzer... is Tim in Exploder: Evacuator Part II. From the heart of America to the jungles of Cambodia, follow one man's quest for peace.
Tim: Hoochi... is that you?
Hoochi: Tim, I know you come. Just like old days we kill everybody.
Male: Tim, they've got your wife!
Tim: But I'm not married!
Male: You are now... to America!
Narrator: Get your self a body bag, strap your self in, start making friends the American way. Exploder: Evacuator Part II. Rated PG may include patriotic garbage.
John F. Hickory: Jumpin' Jehosaphat. You city slickers got more issues than a newsstand. Can we talk business here?
Maurice Chavez: What, is there a corn on the cob-eating contest you have to get to? Got some chitlins and grits in the oven? You got a date with your sister, eh?
Maurice Chavez: Pastor Richards, as a human being, I find your religion, or cult, or whatever it is, utterly and completely appalling.
Congressman Alex Shrub: Those statistics are interesting, but like all statistics, they are also irrelevant.
Ken Rosenberg: Hey Tommy, I got you that chalkboard you wanted.
Tommy Vercetti: Ah, the benefits of a law school education: the ability to follow instructions.
Umberto Robina: You do this for me, and I take care of you. Like my brother. Like my son.
Tommy Vercetti: I think I prefer the cash to being bounced on your knee, amigo.
Tommy Vercetti: The last thing I needed was this. Maybe the last thing I needed was an enema, but this comes close.
Sonny Forelli: Hey Tommy, it's Sonny. How's the suntan?
Tommy Vercetti: I ain't got no suntan.
Sonny Forelli: Well, you ain't got my money either, so I'm thinking to myself 'what're you doing?'. So tell me, Tommy, what ARE you doing?
Tommy Vercetti: I'm looking for the money, Sonny. Don't worry.
Sonny Forelli: I AM worrying, Tommy. That's my style because I seem to have this problem in my life with unreliable people. Don't be an unreliable person, Tommy, please.
Delores: [over radio] Tommy, the police are here for you.
[planning a bank robbery]
Tommy Vercetti: So we'll have Cam on safe, me and Phil will handle security and Hilary will be our driver.
Ken Rosenberg: What about me? The person who brought you here, the person who has helped you to no end in this town?
Tommy Vercetti: Oh, yeah, Ken. Ken here; he washes the money for us... and he keeps the drinks on ice!
Phil Cassidy: Haha, YEAH!
Hilary King: I don't really know what I'm supposed to do here...
Tommy Vercetti: Look, it'll be easy, haven't you ever seen a movie? We walk into the bank, wave the guns around... and leave very rich men.
[planning a bank robbery]
Tommy Vercetti: As you can see, gentlemen... this is going to be the easiest buck we ever made.
Ken Rosenberg: Tommy, seriously, you should consider going into law!
Phil Cassidy: [sighs] What the hell are you smoking, man? This ain't no simple plan. Then again, who needs a simple plan? Look at communism, that was a simple plan... didn't do Russia any favors, huh?
Tommy Vercetti: Calm down, all right? With a team like this it's gonna be no problem. We got Cam on safe. Phil, you and me will handle security. And Hilary will drive the getaway car.
Ken Rosenberg: Uh, aren't you forgetting somebody? Somebody who helped you to no END in this town? Somebody who...
Tommy Vercetti: Ken, Ken... that's right... Ken here, he washes the money for us.
[laughs]
Tommy Vercetti: And he keeps the drinks on ice!
Kent Paul: Awright, me ol' china, how's it hangin'?
Tommy Vercetti: What do you know about counterfeiting?
Kent Paul: [sarcastic] "Oh, I'm fine, Paul, how about you?"
Tommy Vercetti: [grabs Paul and slams him on the counter] Come 'ere!
Kent Paul: Awright, awright, awright! You're obviously a busy man!
Mitch Baker: I thought this was a rock station, son, but all I'm hearing is girl's music. What are you doing? You got personal problems, you sort 'em out, son, but don't drag the rest of us down with you, you hear?
Lazlow: Now, hold on, pal! I'm playing the best music in Vice City!
Mitch Baker: No, you hold on, son. This is Mitch Baker, Big Mitch Baker. You play something hard real soon or I'm gonna come by the station and shove that sissy soft-rock crap so far down your throat you'll be crapping hairbands til' Christmas, you hear?
Tommy Vercetti: [carjacking] You gonna cry now?
Psycho: Love Fist, your time polluting the airwaves is over. I gave you the chance to be friends. Now I'm giving you the chance to die. You try and slow down, your limousine will explode, along with your big hairy arses.
Tommy Vercetti: One thing's puzzling me. What's with 'Quentin'?
Lance Vance: I dunno, I always kinda liked it: Quentin Vance.
Tommy Vercetti: Vance? Your name's Lance Vance?
Lance Vance: Hey, I got enough of that at school.
Tommy Vercetti: Lance Vance. Poor bastard.
Lazlow: I hope I die before I get old. I'm sure I will thanks to this life of excess I lead.
Lazlow: That's what you get when on V-Rock: rock 'n roll and me. I'm not sure which I prefer.
Pastor Richards: It's morally corrupt people like you we're shielding ourselves from: Liberals, degenerates, the Welsh... they're the ones responsible for the nightmare Vice City is today.
Tommy Vercetti: You Cam Jones?
Cam Jones: Yeah, that's me.
Tommy Vercetti: I'm busting you out.
Cam Jones: Whatever you say.
Ricardo Diaz: Ok, listen up, dickhead. You work for me now.
Tommy Vercetti: I work for money.
Ricardo Diaz: As I said, amigo, you work for me now.
Tommy Vercetti: I work for...
Ricardo Diaz: SHUT UP!
Alex Shrub: Have you met my lovely wife, Laura? No? Well, unfortunately, she's in Alabama. This is Candy.
Ken Rosenberg: Tommy, if I have a disagreement with someone, I mail them an angry letter; maybe I pee in their mailbox. I don't start World War III.
Fernando Martinez: A real man needs more than one thing in life, you know what I'm saying here? The heart and the loins both on fire... groaning and straining and making hot dirty passionate encounters with the secretaries, while the wife she sleeps at home. I know... I have been there many times...
Fernando Martinez: Tonight you come to Fernando's night appearance at the club. Fernando play some emotional music, maybe you meet a pretty lady who isn't interested in a long term relationship, but is only interested in the passion of life. Maybe even right outside in the parking lot.
Ken Rosenberg: I poke my head out of the gutter for one freakin' second, and fate shovels shit in my face!
Tommy Vercetti: Go get some sleep.
Ken Rosenberg: What are you gotta do?
Tommy Vercetti: I'll drop by your office tomorrow and we can start sorting this mess out.
Ken Rosenberg: Do I look like I can intimidate a jury? I couldn't intimidate a child, and believe me, I've tried.
Voiceover: A deadly curse. A deranged killer. A small town in tears. "Knife After Dark". Rated "R", for "Retarded".
Tommy Vercetti: There goes my careful planning, all blown to hell. Thanks to you. You screwed up real good, Lance.
Lance Vance: He killed my brother. What did you expect me to do? Mow his lawns?
Maurice Chavez: It's a difficult question. Is it right to lie?
Barry Stark: Clothes are a lie, Maurice.
Maurice Chavez: No, Barry. Clothes are a way of keeping warm and not getting arrested.
Lazlow: Here's some more non-stop 'help me-I'm unemployed' rock.
Lance Vance: So Tommy, it's obvious that Diaz is the one who busted our deal, so why in the hell are we still running errands for him?
Tommy Vercetti: The more we learn now, the less we'll have to learn when we take this town over.
Father: Jimmy, tidy your room and go to bed.
Jimmy: I'm so sick of this. I keep telling you I'm not what I seem, I look 12, but I'm a 42 year old Investment Banker. I wanna go out and get laid.
Father: Yeah, and I'm Santa Claus, now tidy your room.
Jimmy: Asshole.
Konstantinos Smith: I wish someone would kill me; then I could hang out in a graveyard ALL the time, instead of just on weekends.
Claude Maginot: Seeing "In the Future, There Will Be Robots" will change your life, no matter what your life's like now.
DJ Amy Sheckenhausen: So, it's kind of like getting a new haircut.
Claude Maginot: Yes, exactly. No. No, it's nothing like getting a new haircut, you halfwit.
Ken Rosenberg: Of course my client looks guilty. Just because he looks guilty doesn't mean he is. You look like an idiot, but that doesn't mean you are.
Fernando Martinez: Stay with me. Stay with Fernando. Por favor. Mi amor. Siolito. It's like Fernando said to his ex-wife: "I love you, please, don't leave me. It is not what you think; I was bitten by a snake, and the nice lady, she came to suck out the poison. The story, she no work very well.
Pastor Richards: You see, the Alaskans are lunatics, plain and simple; they eat whales, and snow, and they sleep in the freezer. Who wants to eat snow everyday? Oh, I tried to help; I sent a helicopter with copies of my book, but they burned them in a pile for heat. If the people of Alaska choose to live there, let them, but don't come crying when you're tired of eating penguin and it snows 18 feet a day.
Fernando Martinez: People say to me, "Fernando, are you bilingual?" and I say, "I try anything once."
Thor: Mind your tongue whench, lest I cut it out. Deep down all of you listening to me say Thor, yes, I'd like to unleash the Viking within. Maybe you go camping every year or hunting, and wonder why it feels so natural. That's because it is, so much as denying your instincts. Men shaving, you know deep down in the pit of your soul you wish you could crouch in the grass with flies biting your face afraid to move for fear of alerting the beasts. Covering yourself with Yak urine to thwart your smell, then a beast draws close, you pounce, bringing your battleaxe on it's skull! Man and animal at that moment, one and the same in a terrible beauty. Then you drag the carcass back to camp and celebrate by eating it's heart! Some people they only do this once in their lifetime, I do this everyday! And so can you, all it takes is some positive thinking. Just attend my Unleash the Norse Within weekend. When you are finished you will say, I am a God! Nobody can stop me! I crush my enemies and dance on their funeral pyres. This is very helpful for living in suburbia Amy, and I should know.
[after killing a pedestrian]
Tommy Vercetti: You can blame my mother. I do.
Commercial Announcer: Do you have dry mouth?
Woman: I sure do
[lisped]
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Woman: Help me, I can't talk.
Commercial Announcer: For personal dryness upstairs, it's Salivex.
Woman: Wow, I can spit again!
Commercial Announcer: Salivex is more than saliva in a can. Salivex improves consumption efficiency by 50%. No more halfway cures like coating your throat with cooking oil to have that extra piece of cake, or bowl of kitty litter.
Woman: After a night out my tongue tasted like carpet. It was embarrassing. Now with Salivex I can eat a whole box of crackers, or lick my life partner's...
Man: [dubs over] ... stamp collection...
Woman: ...all night.
Man: It's like having a salivation army in my mouth! Now I can suck a...
Man: [dubs over again] ... lollipop...
Man: ...for as long as I want!
Commercial Announcer: Salivex tastes like your own saliva! That's because at Salvex's state-of-the-art production facilities, we use salivation philanthropists, who make Salivex all day! Salivex, when it comes to personal dryness upstairs, WE'RE DEADLY SERIOUS.
Ricardo Diaz: [to his VCR] Eject!
[shouts]
Ricardo Diaz: Plastic crap! You doing this to me? Who do you think you are, you piece of plastic *shit*? Aaarrgh!
[shoots the VCR]
Ricardo Diaz: [shouts] Screw you!
[Tommy walks in]
Ricardo Diaz: It eats my favorite El Burro movie, it die! What else could I do?
Tommy Vercetti: It's probably not plugged in.
Ricardo Diaz: What?
[Tommy checks, and shows Diaz the unplugged VCR]
Ricardo Diaz: Damn... no matter, I can buy a hundred more.
Lance Vance: Say goodnight, Mr. Diaz.
[Chavez just hit Jeremy Robard]
Konstantinos Smith: Hit me, man. I like it.
Woman: Well, life's great, isn't it? HEHEHE! I mean, good things come my way because I hold each one close, because I deserve it.
Konstantinos Smith: I bet you wouldn't be so cheery if you had the black plaque. Jenny's living in a fictional world. Goths like me, we see the world for what it is. Dark songs of the night, black nail polish, and very tight black jeans, man.
[last lines]
Tommy Vercetti: You know Ken, this could be the beginning of a beautiful business relationship. I mean you're a conniving, back-stabbing, two-bit thief; and I'm a convicted, psychotic killer and drug dealer!
Ken Rosenberg: I know. Ain't it just beautiful?
[while bailing Tommy out of jail]
Ken Rosenberg: You wouldn't know the truth if you found it banging your wife; now shut up and release my client. And your wife's not that great.
Tommy Vercetti: I'm looking for a shooter for a job I'm pulling. From the setup here, I'm not too impressed.
Phil Cassidy: Son, I could shoot a fly off your head at a hundred feet.
Tommy Vercetti: Really?
Phil Cassidy: Yeah, I learnt it in the army.
Tommy Vercetti: Fly shooting popular in the army? Glad I don't pay tax.
Phil Cassidy: Where's Hilary? I'll give him abandonment issues.
Maurice Chavez: You ain't a big shot. You ain't even a medium shot. You're an asshole.
[while running from the VCPD]
Tommy Vercetti: You look like the other guys.
[while running from the VCPD]
Tommy Vercetti: Call my lawyer, Rosenberg.
Ken Rosenberg: Ah, Tommy, this place looks too new. We need to redecorate, I can't stand this look!
Tommy Vercetti: You're my lawyer, Rosenberg. Not my interior decorator.
[while running from the VCPD]
Tommy Vercetti: I've heard it all before, pal.
[after arming a bomb]
Tommy Vercetti: Okay, timers are set, five seconds and counting.
Lance Vance: Five seconds? We gotta get the hell out of here!
Steve Scott: Honey, could you please keep the anaconda in the shot? He costs more an hour than you do!
Sonny Forelli: That was my money Tommy, MY MONEY!
Steve Scott: So, the giant shark comes in there and just bites their dicks off! Betcha never seen anything like that before!
[being driven to the hospital while drunk]
Phil Cassidy: Watch out! Charlie in the tree line!
[being driven to the hospital while drunk]
Phil Cassidy: Broken Spoon to Mother Hen. You copy?... Spooney Wooney woo woo woooo.
Phil Cassidy: [being driven to the hospital while drunk] No not the hospital, man! Too many cops and Viet Congs. There's an ex-army surgeon, owes me a few favors and a lawnmower. He's got a place down Little Havana. Oh look, a giant fish.
[being driven to the hospital while drunk]
Phil Cassidy: He's come for me boy!
[just had his arm blown off]
Phil Cassidy: Tommy, its Phil. I want to thank you for helping me back there, son. Damn Charlie. He'll always ambush you one way or the other. Anyway, the wound is healing well, and it no longer means I'll be defrauding the government on my disability check.
[releasing Tommy from jail]
Ken Rosenberg: Officer, do you really think my client is capable of that?
BJ Smith: But one thing sweetheart. I never won the World Series, that's baseball. I play football.
DJ Amy Sheckenhausen: Yes, but it's all the same isn't it?
Shipping Captain: Who are you? Oooof! Aaiieee! Not the face! Not the face! Ok, I talk! I talk!
Maurice Chavez: If you listen, one day you might be heard and when in doubt, use the smell test.
Ken Rosenberg: Tommy Vercetti is an innocent man!
BJ Smith: There is nothing more invigorating than holding a mans head in your hands and looking him in the eye and saying I could kill you in 1 second old man and he says I got a wife and you say give me all the money in your cash register.
BJ Smith: Damn baby, you so ugly you make blind kids cry.
DJ Amy Sheckenhausen: BJ, you better stop being a bully.
BJ Smith: I have taken the skiils that I have learned on the football field right to the used car industy
BJ Smith: Snatch grab and RUN LIKE HELL
BJ Smith: When you know how to grab another man by the face mask and twist him around and tear the ligaments in his back so he never play again, that's some usfull everyday stuff
BJ Smith: I should know, I invented it
Ken Rosenberg: Tommy Vercetti doesn't even own a gun!
Tommy Vercetti: Never forget the Second Amendment, asshole!
Tommy Vercetti: [chased by police] Go shower with the guys!
Tommy Vercetti: [chased by police] You guys ever catch any criminals?
Tommy Vercetti: Is this some bizarre mating ritual?
Tommy Vercetti: [while stealing a car]
[acting like he's crying]
Tommy Vercetti: Look! I'm feeling bad about it already!
[after hitting another car]
Tommy Vercetti: I hope you got whiplash!
[after hitting another car]
Tommy Vercetti: OW! You hit me!
Hotring Race Announcer: WOW! That gasoline sure can catch on fire!
Maurice Chavez: Let's start with you, Mr. Hickory. Why the F?
John F. Hickory: For "Florida"! I'm a patriot! I've even got an orange grove tattooed all over my groin.
Maurice Chavez: Yes, but how will that stop people taking baseball bats and pounding the living crap out of each other as I saw at a mother's PTA group meeting recently?
Alex Shrub: Baseball is our national sport- our national pastime. Joining together as men to reward the act of running around in a circle. I will thank you not to take its name in vain, Chavez.
Maurice Chavez: And up on Capital Hill, you were instrumental in pushing through a bill allowing the manufacture and sale of "Giggle Cream", a dessert with potential lethal consequences.
Alex Shrub: Uh... not true! Only 23 people have died and several of them probably deserved it.
Maurice Chavez: Enough! We're running out of time and you completely failed to answer the question.
Alex Shrub: I'm a professional. That's my job.
[after nearly getting killed by an explosion]
Phil Cassidy: Never get a naked flame too close to one of Phil Cassidy's boomshine stills!
Tommy Vercetti: Shit. Phil, you drink that stuff?
Phil Cassidy: Hell. You don't have to drink it. Just a good whiff'll set ya off.
[on the way to rob a bank]
Cam Jones: Tommy! Hilary is taking up too much room!
Hilary King: I am not!
Hilary King: Are too!
Tommy Vercetti: Hey! Shut up, you two, or you can get out and walk!
Cam Jones: Yeah! HILARY!
Tommy Vercetti: [crashes his car] Good thing I don't own this piece of crap.
Jonathan Freeloader: If you don't give money to VCPR, we could be thrown back to the stone age. Liberals will be set on fire in the streets. Give now. Let's return to Pressing Issues. Over to you, Maurice, in the studio!... Useless, talentless asshole.
Michelle Montanius: You're correct, he is an asshole!
Maurice Chavez: I love those guys! Really professional.
Mr. Zoo: All the double gutted patree monkeys exactly like a normal tree monkey, except it's called after me and if you have a rummage around inside, goin in the back door, you discover it's got two digestive tracts, two, amazin! Really profound it was.
DJ Amy Sheckenhausen: Ooh. That's gross!
Mr. Zoo: No Aim, it's the science of Mr Zoo, gettin down and dirty with animals!
Mr. Zoo: Get lost doc. I got out of confines. Me and me friends are travelling around in a black van, solving crimes and running from the Colonel.
Ricardo Diaz: [throws down his cellphone and destroys it] These idiots, they're always trying to screw you. That's the problem with this business.
[looks at a vase on a pedestal]
Ricardo Diaz: What do you think YOU'RE doing?
[throws the vase across the room]
Ken Rosenberg: [Rosenberg is busting Tommy Vercetti out] All your evidence is circumstantial bull shit and you know it.
Earnest Kelly: Mr. Vercetti? Hey. You bought the old Print Works?
Tommy Vercetti: Yeah my old man used to work on these. I used to spend the evenings with him cleaning the rollers. I was gonna follow him in his trade... but I lived a different life.
Earnest Kelly: You planning on selling the old machinery? Breaking it down?
Tommy Vercetti: I'm thinking we might print something. A newspaper, a magazine...
Earnest Kelly: Oh crap, sonny, low-grade crap. I always fancied printing money!
Tommy Vercetti: Really...?
Tim: I'll cry when I'm done killing.
DJ Amy Sheckenhausen: Hello welcome back to K-Chat! Now I'm a woman and we like to discuss about feelings. That's why we don't have any male hosts on this show. We open up more to women. I was talking to my girlfriend the other day that if a woman were president, we'd nuke a country every 28 days!
[Laughs]
DJ Amy Sheckenhausen: Now, in these times of trouble of international scary things that cause anxiety, people seek solace... or is that sole-ice? Oh my God...
Lance Vance: Oh, way to go, tough guy. Beat 'em to a pulp. That should make him real chatty.
Tommy Vercetti: You want some too?
Lance Vance: Hey, chill. I want what you want, brother.
Tommy Vercetti: Oh, yeah? And what's that?
Lance Vance: Your green, and my dead brother's white lady. Unfortunately, you just silenced our lead.
Tommy Vercetti: Accidents happen. Get lost.
Lance Vance: Hey, hey, whoa. No need to go all 'Lone Ranger' on my ass. The way I see it, we two hombres in a strange town. We need to watch each other's back.
Tommy Vercetti: My back's just fine, brother.
Lance Vance: You sure about that? Here, take this. Follow me.
Ammu-Nation Announcer: Come by Amnu-Nation to register to win an anti-aircraft gun, actually used when we whooped Australia's ass!
Pastor Richards: That's a lie, son - we come from the great meteor of truth!
[inside Avery's limo, Tommy is sitting next to Donald Love]
Avery Carrington: Tommy, this here is Donald Love. Donald, this here is Tommy Vercetti, the latest gunslinger to come to these parts.
[Donald is about to say something]
Avery Carrington: Shut up, Donald, and you might learn something...
Voiceover: Howdy, partners! It's 4:30 in the morning here at Farewell Ranch. And it's time to get up and work the old cow. Get up ya oaf! At Farewell Ranch, old people don't sit around stagnating watching game shows and talking about the good old days. Sinking into the grave with a urine-soaked mess. At Farewell Ranch they sweat and toil until the breaking point. Keep that miserable contemplation of mortality at bay. Hell, at steering time, we'll work grandpa so hard he'll wish he was dead. At the end of the day he'll sit down in the blue grass eat a bowl of commemorative beans and enjoy a sing along at one of our nightly funerals. It's the cowboy's code. Work hard, don't shower and die in your boots. Right, Norm?
Norm: Ahh, my prostate!
Voice Over: Farewell Ranch, the only way to ride into the sunset!
[after killing a pedestrian]
Tommy Vercetti: They named ya, pal!
Man: [Tommy's bodyguard to another] I never asked your sister out man!
Fernando Martinez: Oh, that song was magnificent! Like a beautiful lady, or a pack of ugly, desperate ones. You know, the kind anyone can get ahold of, even if you're a little slow and take special classes.
Mercedes Cortez: Will you be working for for my father?
Tommy Vercetti: Maybe.
Mercedes Cortez: Do you mind me resting my hand on your lap?
Tommy Vercetti: ...Maybe.
Konstantinos Smith: I only leave the house when it's raining, or when I'm running low on milk.
Dispatcher on Police Radio: Nothing seems to be happening. We need more arrests. Just bag anyone.
Officer on Police Radio: I'm on it.
Ken Rosenberg: [bailing Tommy out] Tommy Vercetti is an innocent man!
Jonathan Freeloader: I'll cry, when I'm done killing!

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