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"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" (1999)
[opening narration]
Narrator: In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.
Brian Cassidy: Have you ever thought about having kids?
John Munch: Why? I have you.
Capt. Donald Cragen: You don't get to pick the vic.
Det. Brian Cassidy: I don't get S&M. I mean, hurt me, it turns me on. Come on, what's up with that?
Det. John Munch: It starts with the tattoos. Once you get the ink, it's just a matter of time before you're begging to be tied up and spanked.
Det. Brian Cassidy: Yeah, tattoos are just a gateway to the sexual dark side, my friend.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [putting his right arm around Cassidy and turning his left arm so one tattoo shows] You guys have finally figured me out, huh?
Det. Monique Jefferies: Seriously, did you get off on the tiny little pinpricks of pain?
Det. Elliot Stabler: No, I get that from workin' with you.
Olivia Benson: There's gotta be dozens of pictures here. The bastards been stalking her for awhile.
[about a perp who hid video cameras in public restrooms]
Det. John Munch: Gives a whole new meaning to the term 'live streaming video'...
Olivia Benson: You're under arrest for attempted kidnapping and reckless endangerment. You have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
[Government agents are trying to stop a judge from subpoenaing a witness]
Judge Lena Petrovsky: I don't ever want this many lawyers in my chambers again... so next time, leave the Dog and Pony show at home.
Dr. Audrey Jackson: [wtching Benson & Stabler questioning a rape suspect] He feels guilty about something.
Capt. Donald Cragen: Maybe he's Catholic. He'd feel guilty about everything.
Det. Elliot Stabler: You prayed with your rapist?
[surprised]
Capt. Donald Cragen: [Cragen has asked Cassidy to go talk to a victim he used to know, who is now 16. Brian comes in looking shaken] You know, when she called I knew it wasn't good. I knew, uh, she had to talk to somebody cool, you know, somebody she could relate to.
[hands Brian a drink]
Det. Brian Cassidy: [drinks, pauses] There was this guy in the hood that she liked, this guy named Vince. She went down to Coney Island to, uh, to see him. You know that whole 'under the boardwalk, down by the sea' thing? After Vince... did her... his whole set wolf-packed her. Seven, eight guys... she's not sure. Which is bad enough, Captain, but it just gets worse. They left her there, uh, by herself, in the cold, wrapped up in a beach towel. It was after dark, you know, and she couldn't walk. She just sat there in what was left of her... clothes, and this guy comes along and asks her if she needs some help, and she says, 'yes, please... thank you.' And this guy... this, uh... this Good Samaritan, he, uh... he...
[he's crying]
Capt. Donald Cragen: OK. Um, I think Benson and Stabler can take it from here.
Det. Brian Cassidy: [trying to be firm, wipes his eyes] No, I can handle this.
Capt. Donald Cragen: I know you can, Brian. I know you can.
[pause]
Capt. Donald Cragen: Or you could transfer out.
Det. Brian Cassidy: [whispers] Where?
Capt. Donald Cragen: There's an opening in Narcotics. Captain's a friend of mine. You could do a lot of good over there. It wouldn't...
Det. Brian Cassidy: Wouldn't what?
Capt. Donald Cragen: Well, it wouldn't be like this, Brian.
Det. John Munch: [scene changes; Brian's getting his things out of his locker]
[enters]
Det. John Munch: Cassidy, what's up?
Det. Brian Cassidy: [mutters] Whatever.
Det. John Munch: You know, my generation pioneered that succinct abstraction, but 'whatever' means diddly to me.
Det. John Munch: [sighs] OK, I'm outta here.
Det. John Munch: For good, you mean?
[Brian nods]
Det. John Munch: Well, maybe you should. You're a sweet guy, Bri, the stuff around here's too weird for you.
Det. Brian Cassidy: Captain said I could go over to Narcotics, you know, play cowboy, beat up on some people.
[gives a small smile]
Det. John Munch: It's not a bad idea, seriously. I saw the way you were with that junkie - you got outta her what most guys can't.
Det. Brian Cassidy: [nods, pauses] Ah, it's just like... sex crimes? Come on. I still get embarrassed buying rubbers at a drugstore.
Det. John Munch: Think about it - popping dealers, conspiracy, stakeouts...
Det. Brian Cassidy: [nods] All right. Later.
Det. John Munch: Later.
[they hug]
Det. John Munch: OK, Brian.
Det. Brian Cassidy: [hands Munch a football from his locker and smiles] Take it easy.
[he leaves]
M.E. Melinda Warner: Well, when you find this guy, be sure to give him a special kick in the nuts for me.
Det. Monique Jefferies: Can I help you?
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Yea, my names Odafin Tutuola, I was reassigned here from Narcotics.
Det. Monique Jefferies: You're here for my job.
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Oh. Well, this is awkward.
Det. Monique Jefferies: Try it from my end.
Det. Elliot Stabler: What the hell are you doing here?
Federal Attorney: Your conversational skills are what I like most about you.
Det. Elliot Stabler: I'd give you a kidney.
Det. Olivia Benson: Not if I gave you my kidney first.
Capt. Donald Cragen: [to Elliot] You're not my type.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [laughs]
Brian Cassidy: So why didn't you ever have kids? Didn't want the responsibility?
John Munch: I wouldn't want to give a kid the responsibility of me.
John Munch: Now I'm a pain in my own ass.
George Huang: Do you gamble, Elliot?
Elliot Stabler: Only with birth control.
Alex Cabot: [On women's rights] They've proven they have the right to die by lethal injection just like any man.
Alex Cabot: An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.
Capt. Donald Cragen: I am really getting sick of these kids, which is probably why I don't have any.
[Searching a suspect's apartment for his cat to gather trace evidence]
Fin Tutuola: I don't see a cat.
John Munch: That doesn't mean anything. They're freaky little creatures. They lurk.
[Munch finds the cat moments later]
John Munch: Oh, there you are, you demonic little furball.
Olivia Benson: Were you a car thief in a former life?
Fin Tutuola: No baby, Boy Scout - always prepared.
Fin Tutuola: Here pussy, pussy, pussy...
John Munch: You're kidding, right?
Fin Tutuola: This is not my area of expertise.
Fin Tutuola: Alright. Nice dress.
Olivia Benson: Yeah, well, it was a nice date. Where's Munch?
Fin Tutuola: He rang in sick.
Olivia Benson: He's such a hypochondriac. How many times has he had anthrax this week?
[Munch walks by on crutches]
Fin Tutuola: I can't wait to hear this.
John Munch: Your sympathy is overwhelming.
Olivia Benson: What happened to you?
John Munch: Skydiving, hard landing.
Elliot Stabler: He wiped out riding his friend's Harley.
Capt. Donald Cragen: Now the only thing he'll be riding is a desk.
[Remember, this is Special Victims Unit, not the Sex Police]
Det. John Munch: [after a suspect complains about immigrants coming to America] It's almost as though there's a sign that says "Give us your tired and poor."
Secretary: We don't take walk-ins. You need a referral.
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: [shows her his badge] We got a special pass.
Secretary: [as they start to walk into the office] You can't go in there!
Det. John Munch: Sure we can.
Det. John Munch: Visit with Mom, evening of rape. What would Freud say?
[Fin and Munch walk into a movie store and see if they owner knows the little girl and shows him the picture]
Fin Tutuola: You know her?
[He starts rubbing the picture, Fin quickly takes it away]
Fin Tutuola: Don't make me smack you.
[Fin comes walks up in a Doctor's mask]
John Munch: What's up Doc?
Fin Tutuola: Not taking any chances.
John Munch: Your Jew? Your Jew? How about I call you my BOY?
Fin Tutuola: Then I'd be your boy, John!
[after Fin tackles a running suspect]
Elliot Stabler: Nice Tackle.
[after he lost on a game]
John Munch: Damn it. I died.
[Fin grabs the controller]
Fin Tutuola: Let me see me this.
Fin Tutuola: Why do we always get stuck looking for the needle in the haystack?
John Munch: Yeah, it's reminds me of the Easter egg hunts of my youth.
Fin Tutuola: Your family's Jewish, you guys don't hide eggs.
John Munch: I know, all those mindless hours of searching.
Fin Tutuola: You're a kid: what does that look like to you?
John Munch: A death trap.
Fin Tutuola: You're pathetic; that's the coolest fort ever.
John Munch: You had a dramatic childhood, eh Sherlock?
[Fin finds a knife]
Fin Tutuola: Do you think this is sharp enough to cut a lop of hair?
John Munch: Well if it is, you win the chocolate bunny.
Fin Tutuola: Who's side are you on?
Olivia Benson: The victim's.
Fin Tutuola: Hey good girls fall for bad boys
John Munch: So why'd you leave narcotics?
Fin Tutuola: My partner took a bullet that was meant for me, kinda took all the fun out of it.
Fin Tutuola: You don't know someone, 'til you work with them.
John Munch: And with that I say good-night, you need to drive me home and you need to get some sleep.
Fin Tutuola: You need to get a new driver.
Fin Tutuola: You have the right to an attorney and if you throw up in my car, I'll kill ya.
Fin Tutuola: Take good care of them. They're a long way from home.
[running down a suspect after their cover was blown, Fin grabs him and slams him into the wall, then begins to beat him and punch him]
Fin Tutuola: They're kids, you sick sonofabitch!
[Then Elliot comes in the car]
Elliot Stabler: Fin! Fin!
[He pulls Fin off the suspect and holds him so he won't start again]
Elliot Stabler: Enough! Enough! Off, off, off!
[after a father shoots his daughter's rapist/murderer]
Elliot Stabler: I could've stopped him. I should've known what Ray was gonna do.
Olivia Benson: How?
Elliot Stabler: I would have done the same thing.
Olivia Benson: No, you wouldn't.
Elliot Stabler: Well, wait 'til you're a parent.
Olivia Benson: Don't throw that crap at me, Elliot. You made a mistake.
Elliot Stabler: What?
Olivia Benson: You let Ray in.
Elliot Stabler: You're right, I did. He got to me. And now I'm responsible
[Having an argument with the defense attorney]
Morty Berger: I told Cheryl about your deal. But she wants to go to trial.
ADA Alexandra Cabot: She does or you do?
Morty Berger: Do you know why I became a lawyer, Alex?
ADA Alexandra Cabot: Uh, to see your face on TV?
[about perp's mother]
Max Van Horn/Mitch Wilkens: Poor old thing, she got hate mail, death threats, people spit on her in the street. But she stuck it out there. Just to see me. Now that's love.
Olivia Benson: No. That's denial. You think that your mother can't be broken? You think you're in total control of her? You just watch me.
Max Van Horn/Mitch Wilkens: [gets in Olivia's face] Bring it on, bitch!
[Elliot slams him back in his chair]
Max Van Horn/Mitch Wilkens: [laughs] Hoohoohoo... As I said, there's nothing to break. But, do go easy on the old girl. I've put her through so much already.
Olivia Benson: You know the only one that came to support Cheryl was her sister?
Elliot Stabler: And you.
Olivia Benson: Yeah. But I'm not family.
[Arresting a suspect in Virginia]
John Munch: Your car is ready, Mr. Walford.
Fin Tutuola: Traffic's light and it's a fine day for an extradition.
Seth: You. Set me up.
John Munch: I assure you, a local bank was indeed robbed. And a guard was shot.
Seth: Wasn't me and you know it.
John Munch: One of the perps was a six foot tall white man. Makes you a viable suspect.
Seth: That's bull.
Fin Tutuola: That's racial profiling. Sucks, don't it?
Seth: This is insane, I'm innocent.
John Munch: Well, maybe the bank job, but in accordance with the law, Arlington PD ran your DNA through the national databank.
Fin Tutuola: And you're a dead match for one of Chloe's rapists.
Seth: You had no right to take my DNA!
John Munch: Yeah, well, write to your congressman.
Olivia Benson: Oh, what is it with you people, what is wrong with you? Do you have a conscience? You RAPED and KILLED a LITTLE GIRL!
[the victim was drowned in toilet water]
John Munch: Why Seth, what pretty blue water you have.
[about a pedophile's defense attorney]
ADA Alexandra Cabot: He is as bad as his client. Hoping the victim is too traumatized to testify. He's lucky I didn't knock his teeth down his throat!
Capt. Donald Cragen: I'd pay real money to see that.
[to the defense's neurologist]
ADA Alexandra Cabot: Thank you. You've offered a provocative theory. What it lacks in substance, it makes up for in pretty colors.
Olivia Benson: We're supposed to uphold the law...
Fin Tutuola: Your heart's bleedin' all over my shoes.
Elliot Stabler: Seein' that shrink, did that help?
Olivia Benson: Not much.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [screaming] I got an F!
Det. Elliot Stabler: [sees Warner enter the restaurant where he and Olivia are eating lunch] An ME out of the lab? It must be big.
M.E. Melinda Warner: I got the report back from the contents of the vomit.
Det. Olivia Benson: Am I going to want to stop eating for this?
M.E. Melinda Warner: Roast beef, mozzarella cheese, corn and raisins. Luckily, it had only been in the stomach a few hours, so it was only partially digested.
Det. Olivia Benson: All right, I'm done.
[pushes her salad away. Elliot shrugs and takes it]
Elliot Stabler: What about that autistic kid in Milwaukee last year? Parishioners held him down, they were laying on top of him to cure him.
Olivia Benson: That could explain the ring mark.
[walks around behind Cragen and wraps her arms around him to demonstrate]
Olivia Benson: Someone holds Jamie, he struggles, they hold him tighter.
Capt. Donald Cragen: [a little breathless] Until he can't breathe.
[Olivia removes her arms and walks around in front of him]
Capt. Donald Cragen: Thank you, I enjoyed that.
Prison Official: [after Elliot requests a list of prisoners who had contact with a rapist] Do you want a list or a disk?
Elliot Stabler: How many names are we talking about?
Prison Official: 6,322.
Elliot Stabler: Is there any way to separate them by age or race?
Prison Official: No.
Elliot Stabler: Disk.
Dirty Cop: [Fin tells him to hit the street, but he reaches for his gun] I don't see any shileds, just four pieces of crap with guns.
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: [points his gun at the cop's head] I got no problem shooting you.
John Munch: Twelve jurors or six pallbearers, your choice.
Olivia Benson: What happened between you and Cathy?
Elliot Stabler: [shrugs] Uhh, the job. Makes me kind of hard to live with.
Olivia Benson: She should try working with you.
M.E. Melinda Warner: [performing an autopsy with the detectives present] No fluids present. Tests show spermicide common in condoms.
[removes an organ from the body and weighs it]
Elliot Stabler: This is fun.
[after Olivia's killed someone]
Olivia Benson: I gotta give my statement.
Elliot Stabler: I'll take it...
Olivia Benson: YOU leave me alone.
John Munch: Civil liberties, good. Lawyers, bad.
John Munch: Actually the 1st Amendment gives him the right to ask, the 5th Amendment gives you the right not to answer.
[after Olivia's mother dies]
John Munch: Did you talk to Benson?
Elliot Stabler: Yeah.
John Munch: You know, my brother's a mortician in case she has any questions.
Elliot Stabler: You have a brother?
Elliot Stabler: We can't always win.
Alex Cabot: But that's just it. Even when we win, we don't.
[repeated line when suspects give a "great" excuse for what they've done]
ADA Casey Novak: Is that the best you can come up with?
Odafin Tutuola: It's different for black men. They go out, have sex with other men, then come home, have sex with their woman, and pretend they're straight.
[Benson, Cragen, and Stabler look at him]
Odafin Tutuola: Don't look at me, I just know stuff.
ADA David Goreman: So you're an expert on sex crimes - is that correct?
Brian Cassidy: Well, we all have something to learn...
ADA David Goreman: I'm sure. Can you tell us the technical, or 'psycho-sexual' term, if you will - for fondling a stranger?
Brian Cassidy: [thinking] ... Fromage?...
[audience giggles]
ADA David Goreman: I believe it's "frottage".
Brian Cassidy: Right, right - "frottage".
Det. Monique Jefferies: Are you gonna eat this?
John Munch: Suppose we say yes.
Det. Monique Jefferies: Suppose I was just being polite.
John Munch: That would be a first.
Brian Cassidy: Go ahead, Munch doesn't eat veggies
Det. Monique Jefferies: Really? I heard that's not the only thing John doesn't... eat.
[Elliot walks in to find Kathy and Maureen in conversation at the dinner table]
Kathy Stabler: Oh, you're home.
Maureen Stabler: You're probably on her side.
Det. Elliot Stabler: You look healthy enough to me.
[to Kathy]
Det. Elliot Stabler: Have you eaten?
Kathy Stabler: No, I was waiting until you got home.
Det. Elliot Stabler: "Manicotti Night", down at Scarentino's. Bottle of chianti, our name on it. Let's get out of here.
Maureen Stabler: You can't make me eat Italian, either.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Good, you're not invited. See you.
John Munch: Not to mention the fact that I lost a wife after less than one night of connubial bliss to someone who was not only a detective but a member of my own squad.
Capt. Donald Cragen: My wife was on an Orlando turnaround as a flight attendant, and I was home, scrubbing algae off the tiles around the swimming pool that we never used, the one that got me into hot water with Internal Affairs, because 'what's a cop doing with an in-ground pool", right?, and then the phone rang, the call she always expected, always dreaded.
John Munch: When I was a kid, my parents told me to never eat sweets.
Capt. Donald Cragen: So, as an adult, you overcompensate?
Brian Cassidy: So I guess your parents said 'never get married either', huh?
Capt. Donald Cragen: The law isn't always about justice.
ADA Alexandra Cabot: Who let you in on our dirty little secret?
Odafin Tutuola: Even Aunt Mary thinks he's a hero.
John Munch: Yeah well Aunt Mary is a few tea bags shy of a full pot.
Charles Southerland: If you're asking me if I'm glad he's dead, the answer is yes. If you're asking me if I killed him, the answer is no, although I would like to buy the fellow who did it a drink.
Capt. Donald Cragen: It's a case of he said, she said, he's dead
Capt. Donald Cragen: Drugs, I get, but ponies?
Odafin Tutuola: I hate talking to kids this age.
Det. John Munch: That's because you can't smack them if they give you lip.
Odafin Tutuola: Who says I can't?
Dr. Heints: I was re-parenting him.
Elliot Stabler: Lady I've got four kids, if I ever talked to one of them like that... I'd arrest myself.
ADA Casey Novak: I just set a world record getting these search warrnats, not to mention risking my life to interrupt Judge Terhune's poker game... again!
[Looking through a victim's purse for ID]
Olivia Benson: No jewelry. I always carry at least a pair of earrings in my purse.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, like you carry a purse.
Olivia Benson: That's 'cause you carry it for me.
Elliot Stabler: Heh...
John Munch: Miss Webber was told to disrobe, put her feet up in stirrups, and try to picture David Hasselhoff on Baywatch.
Defense Attorney: Objection! Your honor, this witness is not qualified to testify on the treatment for hysteria.
John Munch: Actually, sir, I am. Up until 1952, hysteria was one of the most commonly diagnosed illnesses among women. The medical treatment was hysterical paroxysm.
Court Reporter: Could the witness spell that?
John Munch: O-R-G-A-S-M.
Olivia Benson: We blame all kinds of people for creating monsters. Why not ourselves?
[a murderer is stalking Olivia]
Elliot Stabler: I didn't tell you about the detail because I knew you'd refuse.
Olivia Benson: Only the rat-squad puts cops on other cops, Elliot, without telling them. I deserve better than that. Especially from you.
Elliot Stabler: [pauses] You've been under a lot of stress lately...
Olivia Benson: I've always backed your play.
Elliot Stabler: And I did what I had to do. The guy's murdered four people, what's to stop him from coming after you, Olivia?
Olivia Benson: If you can't trust your partner, Elliot, it's time to get a new one.
Olivia Benson: We've gotten warrants based on less, why are you stonewalling?
ADA Alexandra Cabot: This is different and you know it. Once a judge hears the suspect's history, he's gonna bend over backwards for the guy.
Olivia Benson: I saw him, Alex. Plummer is stalking me.
ADA Alexandra Cabot: How did he know where you were when he was in the interview room being questioned?
Olivia Benson: He must've overheard.
ADA Alexandra Cabot: Okay, how many businesses are in the area near Chauncey's?
Olivia Benson: I don't know, several. Why? Where are you going with this?
ADA Alexandra Cabot: Any decent defense attorney is going to say that Mr. Plummer was in the area running errands, that it was just a coincedence.
Olivia Benson: He has killed four people and we're doing NOTHING.
ADA Alexandra Cabot: How many drinks did you have? Olivia, the system made a mistake before, now everything we do is under a microscope.
Olivia Benson: [pause] I wasn't drunk.
[leaves]
Det. John Munch: Will you ever have dinner with me?
M.E. Elizabeth Rodgers: Not while I can still feed myself.
Det. Monique Jefferies: Wow, 4.7 million in one year.
Det. Brian Cassidy: That's pretty good for a fledgling charity.
Det. Olivia Benson: Fledgling - I'm impressed.
Det. Brian Cassidy: Yeah, that's right, I'm a real dope, aren't I? You know what I did last night? I looked it up and I memorized it just so I can impress you.
[Benson catches a fleeing suspect]
Det. Olivia Benson: What's your name?
Suspect: Screw you!
Det. Olivia Benson: Screw You, you're under arrest for attempted rape until we nail you for the other eleven.
[a teenaged friend of Kathleen's is pregnant, and Elliot is trying to find the right time to talk about waiting to have sex - he is helping her practice soccer by kicking balls for her to block from the goal]
Elliot Stabler: You didn't come out again, honey.
Kathleen: So?
Elliot Stabler: So... one ball can change the game. It's like - it's like life. When I get close to you, you just come on out and cut off my angle, OK? Just try it again. Come on out, come on out.
[he kicks the ball, it goes past her into the goal]
Kathleen: Thanks, that was great advice.
Elliot Stabler: Honey, you did great, you did great, it's just that... the players in this game, they know a lotta tricks. Never commit until you know where they're coming from, and even then you just - you gotta be careful. You understand?
Kathleen: Whatever.
Elliot Stabler: Good, OK.
[pause]
Elliot Stabler: Because they'll be attacking you from every angle.
[pause]
Elliot Stabler: Just guard it with your life, sweetie.
Kathleen: Oh, boy.
Elliot Stabler: OK. Come on, kick it back.
Kathleen: Dad, I'm a virgin, OK?
[she kicks the ball to him, he stands still and it goes by him]
Elliot Stabler: OK.
Fin Tutuola: [Munch starts one of his theories... ] Don't get him started on one of his conspiracy theories!
Capt. Donald Cragen: What would it take to get a blanket DNA on an entire facility?
ADA Alexandra Cabot: A constitutional amendment.
Capt. Donald Cragen: You think Landricks is a murderer and not just a sick freak?
John Munch: Since when do those two exclude each other?
IA Sgt. Ed Tucker: You need anger management, Captain.
Capt. Donald Cragen: And you need to kiss my ass.
Fin Tutuola: [everyone is staring at him after he has just explained what 'sex on the DL' is] Don't look at me, I just know stuff.
Neighbor: [a snoopy neighbor witnessed a rape and didn't report it] Do I need a lawyer?
Elliot Stabler: For being a peeping tom? No, you just need a shrink.
Cop: Whoever did this sliced off his "cigar" and took it with 'em. Is that specific enough?
Det. Olivia Benson: Works for me.
Det. Olivia Benson: I went down to the hack bureau. Our dead guy, Victor Spicer? His licence was suspened when he got 11 months for assault.
Elliot Stabler: And?
Det. Olivia Benson: He's still in Rikers.
Det. Olivia Benson: Question - Who'd want to cut your penis off?
Victor Spicer: Take a number.
[Olivia is investigating the case of a man who rapes women on the subway. Nick is reporting the case. They're kissing in her apartment]
Nick Ganzner: Let's pretend.
Olivia Benson: [smiling] Pretend what?
Nick Ganzner: That I'm the guy on the subway.
Olivia Benson: [stops smiling] OK, stop it.
Nick Ganzner: Just for fun.
Olivia Benson: No, no. No, really, stop it.
Nick Ganzner: What would you do?
Olivia Benson: [pushes him away] Oh my God. Wow.
[heads for bathroom]
Olivia Benson: I'm gonna go wash my face, and my hands, and my mouth, and, uh, there's the door. Make sure you're out when I get out of here. *Gone.*
[slams door]
Suspect: [referring to Stabler] If that's the guy that's questioning me, I definitely want my lawyer.
Det. John Munch: Round 2 we go bad cop on his ass, right Jeffries?
Det. Monique Jefferies: Cool.
Det. John Munch: When I was little, my parents told me to never eat sweets.
Capt. Donald Cragen: So as an adult, you overcompensate.
Brian Cassidy: So, I guess your parents said, 'Never get married', either, huh?
Alex Cabot: [very fast] You want me to secure a search warrant for the offices of a defense contractor to search classified, national security files for evidence in a sexually motivated homicide?
[dials the phone]
Alex Cabot: Judge Hermann, please.
[pause]
Alex Cabot: Uncle Bill... look, I need a favor.
Capt. Donald Cragen: Only one reason to give someone the date rape drug.
Elliot Stabler: [after being asked why he joined SVU] I think sex should be one of the best experiences in life, not one of the worst.
Kathy Stabler: So, what's going on at work?
[long pause]
Elliot Stabler: Nothing.
Det. John Munch: We're looking for leads on Deacon's murder, not "America's Skankiest Home Videos".
ADA Alexandra Cabot: [on why the defendant should not be released on bail] Your Honor, the defendant murdered a child. She violently beat a two-year-old child to death and shows no remorse.
Judge Lena Petrovsky: Do you plan on trying your case here, Ms. Cabot?
ADA Alexandra Cabot: No, I'm just using rhetoric to prove my point.
Judge Lena Petrovsky: One of your more endearing qualities.
Investigator: This wrapper definitely contained a sausage and egg sandwich.
John Munch: You can tell that just by the crumbs?
Investigator: No, by the label.
Reporter: Look, if you think I'm giving that up, you're on crack.
Det. Elliot Stabler: I'm on what?
Capt. Donald Cragen: Romeo just signed up for tonight's event.
Olivia Benson: He's looking for a new Juliet.
[to a neo-Nazi defendant]
Judge Schuyler: If you should choose to go to trial and are found guilty, I will show no leniency. Your parole officer's parents haven't even been born yet!
Det. Monique Jefferies: So you're saying *all* women are whores?
Det. John Munch: Don't be ridiculous. I don't know *all* the women in the world.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [referring to a killer who dumped the body in a sewage treatment plant] They sure know their crap.
John Munch: That explains his pugnacious personality.
ADA Casey Novak: This changes everything.
Det. Olivia Benson: You're one night as a bachelor and you go to the grocery store? That’s lame.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [shrugs] A grocery store with strippers.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [to Fin during a card game] What's your favorite kind of torture?
Fin Tutuola: I'm not staying in here with all these cancer-causing particles flying around.
John Munch: Stop worrying. As an African-American you're statistically far more likely to die of diabetes, high blood pressure, or heart disease.
Fin Tutuola: Or a bullet.
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Narrator: In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.
Brian Cassidy: Have you ever thought about having kids?
John Munch: Why? I have you.
Capt. Donald Cragen: You don't get to pick the vic.
Det. Brian Cassidy: I don't get S&M. I mean, hurt me, it turns me on. Come on, what's up with that?
Det. John Munch: It starts with the tattoos. Once you get the ink, it's just a matter of time before you're begging to be tied up and spanked.
Det. Brian Cassidy: Yeah, tattoos are just a gateway to the sexual dark side, my friend.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [putting his right arm around Cassidy and turning his left arm so one tattoo shows] You guys have finally figured me out, huh?
Det. Monique Jefferies: Seriously, did you get off on the tiny little pinpricks of pain?
Det. Elliot Stabler: No, I get that from workin' with you.
Olivia Benson: There's gotta be dozens of pictures here. The bastards been stalking her for awhile.
[about a perp who hid video cameras in public restrooms]
Det. John Munch: Gives a whole new meaning to the term 'live streaming video'...
Olivia Benson: You're under arrest for attempted kidnapping and reckless endangerment. You have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
[Government agents are trying to stop a judge from subpoenaing a witness]
Judge Lena Petrovsky: I don't ever want this many lawyers in my chambers again... so next time, leave the Dog and Pony show at home.
Dr. Audrey Jackson: [wtching Benson & Stabler questioning a rape suspect] He feels guilty about something.
Capt. Donald Cragen: Maybe he's Catholic. He'd feel guilty about everything.
Det. Elliot Stabler: You prayed with your rapist?
[surprised]
Capt. Donald Cragen: [Cragen has asked Cassidy to go talk to a victim he used to know, who is now 16. Brian comes in looking shaken] You know, when she called I knew it wasn't good. I knew, uh, she had to talk to somebody cool, you know, somebody she could relate to.
[hands Brian a drink]
Det. Brian Cassidy: [drinks, pauses] There was this guy in the hood that she liked, this guy named Vince. She went down to Coney Island to, uh, to see him. You know that whole 'under the boardwalk, down by the sea' thing? After Vince... did her... his whole set wolf-packed her. Seven, eight guys... she's not sure. Which is bad enough, Captain, but it just gets worse. They left her there, uh, by herself, in the cold, wrapped up in a beach towel. It was after dark, you know, and she couldn't walk. She just sat there in what was left of her... clothes, and this guy comes along and asks her if she needs some help, and she says, 'yes, please... thank you.' And this guy... this, uh... this Good Samaritan, he, uh... he...
[he's crying]
Capt. Donald Cragen: OK. Um, I think Benson and Stabler can take it from here.
Det. Brian Cassidy: [trying to be firm, wipes his eyes] No, I can handle this.
Capt. Donald Cragen: I know you can, Brian. I know you can.
[pause]
Capt. Donald Cragen: Or you could transfer out.
Det. Brian Cassidy: [whispers] Where?
Capt. Donald Cragen: There's an opening in Narcotics. Captain's a friend of mine. You could do a lot of good over there. It wouldn't...
Det. Brian Cassidy: Wouldn't what?
Capt. Donald Cragen: Well, it wouldn't be like this, Brian.
Det. John Munch: [scene changes; Brian's getting his things out of his locker]
[enters]
Det. John Munch: Cassidy, what's up?
Det. Brian Cassidy: [mutters] Whatever.
Det. John Munch: You know, my generation pioneered that succinct abstraction, but 'whatever' means diddly to me.
Det. John Munch: [sighs] OK, I'm outta here.
Det. John Munch: For good, you mean?
[Brian nods]
Det. John Munch: Well, maybe you should. You're a sweet guy, Bri, the stuff around here's too weird for you.
Det. Brian Cassidy: Captain said I could go over to Narcotics, you know, play cowboy, beat up on some people.
[gives a small smile]
Det. John Munch: It's not a bad idea, seriously. I saw the way you were with that junkie - you got outta her what most guys can't.
Det. Brian Cassidy: [nods, pauses] Ah, it's just like... sex crimes? Come on. I still get embarrassed buying rubbers at a drugstore.
Det. John Munch: Think about it - popping dealers, conspiracy, stakeouts...
Det. Brian Cassidy: [nods] All right. Later.
Det. John Munch: Later.
[they hug]
Det. John Munch: OK, Brian.
Det. Brian Cassidy: [hands Munch a football from his locker and smiles] Take it easy.
[he leaves]
M.E. Melinda Warner: Well, when you find this guy, be sure to give him a special kick in the nuts for me.
Det. Monique Jefferies: Can I help you?
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Yea, my names Odafin Tutuola, I was reassigned here from Narcotics.
Det. Monique Jefferies: You're here for my job.
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Oh. Well, this is awkward.
Det. Monique Jefferies: Try it from my end.
Det. Elliot Stabler: What the hell are you doing here?
Federal Attorney: Your conversational skills are what I like most about you.
Det. Elliot Stabler: I'd give you a kidney.
Det. Olivia Benson: Not if I gave you my kidney first.
Capt. Donald Cragen: [to Elliot] You're not my type.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [laughs]
Brian Cassidy: So why didn't you ever have kids? Didn't want the responsibility?
John Munch: I wouldn't want to give a kid the responsibility of me.
John Munch: Now I'm a pain in my own ass.
George Huang: Do you gamble, Elliot?
Elliot Stabler: Only with birth control.
Alex Cabot: [On women's rights] They've proven they have the right to die by lethal injection just like any man.
Alex Cabot: An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.
Capt. Donald Cragen: I am really getting sick of these kids, which is probably why I don't have any.
[Searching a suspect's apartment for his cat to gather trace evidence]
Fin Tutuola: I don't see a cat.
John Munch: That doesn't mean anything. They're freaky little creatures. They lurk.
[Munch finds the cat moments later]
John Munch: Oh, there you are, you demonic little furball.
Olivia Benson: Were you a car thief in a former life?
Fin Tutuola: No baby, Boy Scout - always prepared.
Fin Tutuola: Here pussy, pussy, pussy...
John Munch: You're kidding, right?
Fin Tutuola: This is not my area of expertise.
Fin Tutuola: Alright. Nice dress.
Olivia Benson: Yeah, well, it was a nice date. Where's Munch?
Fin Tutuola: He rang in sick.
Olivia Benson: He's such a hypochondriac. How many times has he had anthrax this week?
[Munch walks by on crutches]
Fin Tutuola: I can't wait to hear this.
John Munch: Your sympathy is overwhelming.
Olivia Benson: What happened to you?
John Munch: Skydiving, hard landing.
Elliot Stabler: He wiped out riding his friend's Harley.
Capt. Donald Cragen: Now the only thing he'll be riding is a desk.
[Remember, this is Special Victims Unit, not the Sex Police]
Det. John Munch: [after a suspect complains about immigrants coming to America] It's almost as though there's a sign that says "Give us your tired and poor."
Secretary: We don't take walk-ins. You need a referral.
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: [shows her his badge] We got a special pass.
Secretary: [as they start to walk into the office] You can't go in there!
Det. John Munch: Sure we can.
Det. John Munch: Visit with Mom, evening of rape. What would Freud say?
[Fin and Munch walk into a movie store and see if they owner knows the little girl and shows him the picture]
Fin Tutuola: You know her?
[He starts rubbing the picture, Fin quickly takes it away]
Fin Tutuola: Don't make me smack you.
[Fin comes walks up in a Doctor's mask]
John Munch: What's up Doc?
Fin Tutuola: Not taking any chances.
John Munch: Your Jew? Your Jew? How about I call you my BOY?
Fin Tutuola: Then I'd be your boy, John!
[after Fin tackles a running suspect]
Elliot Stabler: Nice Tackle.
[after he lost on a game]
John Munch: Damn it. I died.
[Fin grabs the controller]
Fin Tutuola: Let me see me this.
Fin Tutuola: Why do we always get stuck looking for the needle in the haystack?
John Munch: Yeah, it's reminds me of the Easter egg hunts of my youth.
Fin Tutuola: Your family's Jewish, you guys don't hide eggs.
John Munch: I know, all those mindless hours of searching.
Fin Tutuola: You're a kid: what does that look like to you?
John Munch: A death trap.
Fin Tutuola: You're pathetic; that's the coolest fort ever.
John Munch: You had a dramatic childhood, eh Sherlock?
[Fin finds a knife]
Fin Tutuola: Do you think this is sharp enough to cut a lop of hair?
John Munch: Well if it is, you win the chocolate bunny.
Fin Tutuola: Who's side are you on?
Olivia Benson: The victim's.
Fin Tutuola: Hey good girls fall for bad boys
John Munch: So why'd you leave narcotics?
Fin Tutuola: My partner took a bullet that was meant for me, kinda took all the fun out of it.
Fin Tutuola: You don't know someone, 'til you work with them.
John Munch: And with that I say good-night, you need to drive me home and you need to get some sleep.
Fin Tutuola: You need to get a new driver.
Fin Tutuola: You have the right to an attorney and if you throw up in my car, I'll kill ya.
Fin Tutuola: Take good care of them. They're a long way from home.
[running down a suspect after their cover was blown, Fin grabs him and slams him into the wall, then begins to beat him and punch him]
Fin Tutuola: They're kids, you sick sonofabitch!
[Then Elliot comes in the car]
Elliot Stabler: Fin! Fin!
[He pulls Fin off the suspect and holds him so he won't start again]
Elliot Stabler: Enough! Enough! Off, off, off!
[after a father shoots his daughter's rapist/murderer]
Elliot Stabler: I could've stopped him. I should've known what Ray was gonna do.
Olivia Benson: How?
Elliot Stabler: I would have done the same thing.
Olivia Benson: No, you wouldn't.
Elliot Stabler: Well, wait 'til you're a parent.
Olivia Benson: Don't throw that crap at me, Elliot. You made a mistake.
Elliot Stabler: What?
Olivia Benson: You let Ray in.
Elliot Stabler: You're right, I did. He got to me. And now I'm responsible
[Having an argument with the defense attorney]
Morty Berger: I told Cheryl about your deal. But she wants to go to trial.
ADA Alexandra Cabot: She does or you do?
Morty Berger: Do you know why I became a lawyer, Alex?
ADA Alexandra Cabot: Uh, to see your face on TV?
[about perp's mother]
Max Van Horn/Mitch Wilkens: Poor old thing, she got hate mail, death threats, people spit on her in the street. But she stuck it out there. Just to see me. Now that's love.
Olivia Benson: No. That's denial. You think that your mother can't be broken? You think you're in total control of her? You just watch me.
Max Van Horn/Mitch Wilkens: [gets in Olivia's face] Bring it on, bitch!
[Elliot slams him back in his chair]
Max Van Horn/Mitch Wilkens: [laughs] Hoohoohoo... As I said, there's nothing to break. But, do go easy on the old girl. I've put her through so much already.
Olivia Benson: You know the only one that came to support Cheryl was her sister?
Elliot Stabler: And you.
Olivia Benson: Yeah. But I'm not family.
[Arresting a suspect in Virginia]
John Munch: Your car is ready, Mr. Walford.
Fin Tutuola: Traffic's light and it's a fine day for an extradition.
Seth: You. Set me up.
John Munch: I assure you, a local bank was indeed robbed. And a guard was shot.
Seth: Wasn't me and you know it.
John Munch: One of the perps was a six foot tall white man. Makes you a viable suspect.
Seth: That's bull.
Fin Tutuola: That's racial profiling. Sucks, don't it?
Seth: This is insane, I'm innocent.
John Munch: Well, maybe the bank job, but in accordance with the law, Arlington PD ran your DNA through the national databank.
Fin Tutuola: And you're a dead match for one of Chloe's rapists.
Seth: You had no right to take my DNA!
John Munch: Yeah, well, write to your congressman.
Olivia Benson: Oh, what is it with you people, what is wrong with you? Do you have a conscience? You RAPED and KILLED a LITTLE GIRL!
[the victim was drowned in toilet water]
John Munch: Why Seth, what pretty blue water you have.
[about a pedophile's defense attorney]
ADA Alexandra Cabot: He is as bad as his client. Hoping the victim is too traumatized to testify. He's lucky I didn't knock his teeth down his throat!
Capt. Donald Cragen: I'd pay real money to see that.
[to the defense's neurologist]
ADA Alexandra Cabot: Thank you. You've offered a provocative theory. What it lacks in substance, it makes up for in pretty colors.
Olivia Benson: We're supposed to uphold the law...
Fin Tutuola: Your heart's bleedin' all over my shoes.
Elliot Stabler: Seein' that shrink, did that help?
Olivia Benson: Not much.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [screaming] I got an F!
Det. Elliot Stabler: [sees Warner enter the restaurant where he and Olivia are eating lunch] An ME out of the lab? It must be big.
M.E. Melinda Warner: I got the report back from the contents of the vomit.
Det. Olivia Benson: Am I going to want to stop eating for this?
M.E. Melinda Warner: Roast beef, mozzarella cheese, corn and raisins. Luckily, it had only been in the stomach a few hours, so it was only partially digested.
Det. Olivia Benson: All right, I'm done.
[pushes her salad away. Elliot shrugs and takes it]
Elliot Stabler: What about that autistic kid in Milwaukee last year? Parishioners held him down, they were laying on top of him to cure him.
Olivia Benson: That could explain the ring mark.
[walks around behind Cragen and wraps her arms around him to demonstrate]
Olivia Benson: Someone holds Jamie, he struggles, they hold him tighter.
Capt. Donald Cragen: [a little breathless] Until he can't breathe.
[Olivia removes her arms and walks around in front of him]
Capt. Donald Cragen: Thank you, I enjoyed that.
Prison Official: [after Elliot requests a list of prisoners who had contact with a rapist] Do you want a list or a disk?
Elliot Stabler: How many names are we talking about?
Prison Official: 6,322.
Elliot Stabler: Is there any way to separate them by age or race?
Prison Official: No.
Elliot Stabler: Disk.
Dirty Cop: [Fin tells him to hit the street, but he reaches for his gun] I don't see any shileds, just four pieces of crap with guns.
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: [points his gun at the cop's head] I got no problem shooting you.
John Munch: Twelve jurors or six pallbearers, your choice.
Olivia Benson: What happened between you and Cathy?
Elliot Stabler: [shrugs] Uhh, the job. Makes me kind of hard to live with.
Olivia Benson: She should try working with you.
M.E. Melinda Warner: [performing an autopsy with the detectives present] No fluids present. Tests show spermicide common in condoms.
[removes an organ from the body and weighs it]
Elliot Stabler: This is fun.
[after Olivia's killed someone]
Olivia Benson: I gotta give my statement.
Elliot Stabler: I'll take it...
Olivia Benson: YOU leave me alone.
John Munch: Civil liberties, good. Lawyers, bad.
John Munch: Actually the 1st Amendment gives him the right to ask, the 5th Amendment gives you the right not to answer.
[after Olivia's mother dies]
John Munch: Did you talk to Benson?
Elliot Stabler: Yeah.
John Munch: You know, my brother's a mortician in case she has any questions.
Elliot Stabler: You have a brother?
Elliot Stabler: We can't always win.
Alex Cabot: But that's just it. Even when we win, we don't.
[repeated line when suspects give a "great" excuse for what they've done]
ADA Casey Novak: Is that the best you can come up with?
Odafin Tutuola: It's different for black men. They go out, have sex with other men, then come home, have sex with their woman, and pretend they're straight.
[Benson, Cragen, and Stabler look at him]
Odafin Tutuola: Don't look at me, I just know stuff.
ADA David Goreman: So you're an expert on sex crimes - is that correct?
Brian Cassidy: Well, we all have something to learn...
ADA David Goreman: I'm sure. Can you tell us the technical, or 'psycho-sexual' term, if you will - for fondling a stranger?
Brian Cassidy: [thinking] ... Fromage?...
[audience giggles]
ADA David Goreman: I believe it's "frottage".
Brian Cassidy: Right, right - "frottage".
Det. Monique Jefferies: Are you gonna eat this?
John Munch: Suppose we say yes.
Det. Monique Jefferies: Suppose I was just being polite.
John Munch: That would be a first.
Brian Cassidy: Go ahead, Munch doesn't eat veggies
Det. Monique Jefferies: Really? I heard that's not the only thing John doesn't... eat.
[Elliot walks in to find Kathy and Maureen in conversation at the dinner table]
Kathy Stabler: Oh, you're home.
Maureen Stabler: You're probably on her side.
Det. Elliot Stabler: You look healthy enough to me.
[to Kathy]
Det. Elliot Stabler: Have you eaten?
Kathy Stabler: No, I was waiting until you got home.
Det. Elliot Stabler: "Manicotti Night", down at Scarentino's. Bottle of chianti, our name on it. Let's get out of here.
Maureen Stabler: You can't make me eat Italian, either.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Good, you're not invited. See you.
John Munch: Not to mention the fact that I lost a wife after less than one night of connubial bliss to someone who was not only a detective but a member of my own squad.
Capt. Donald Cragen: My wife was on an Orlando turnaround as a flight attendant, and I was home, scrubbing algae off the tiles around the swimming pool that we never used, the one that got me into hot water with Internal Affairs, because 'what's a cop doing with an in-ground pool", right?, and then the phone rang, the call she always expected, always dreaded.
John Munch: When I was a kid, my parents told me to never eat sweets.
Capt. Donald Cragen: So, as an adult, you overcompensate?
Brian Cassidy: So I guess your parents said 'never get married either', huh?
Capt. Donald Cragen: The law isn't always about justice.
ADA Alexandra Cabot: Who let you in on our dirty little secret?
Odafin Tutuola: Even Aunt Mary thinks he's a hero.
John Munch: Yeah well Aunt Mary is a few tea bags shy of a full pot.
Charles Southerland: If you're asking me if I'm glad he's dead, the answer is yes. If you're asking me if I killed him, the answer is no, although I would like to buy the fellow who did it a drink.
Capt. Donald Cragen: It's a case of he said, she said, he's dead
Capt. Donald Cragen: Drugs, I get, but ponies?
Odafin Tutuola: I hate talking to kids this age.
Det. John Munch: That's because you can't smack them if they give you lip.
Odafin Tutuola: Who says I can't?
Dr. Heints: I was re-parenting him.
Elliot Stabler: Lady I've got four kids, if I ever talked to one of them like that... I'd arrest myself.
ADA Casey Novak: I just set a world record getting these search warrnats, not to mention risking my life to interrupt Judge Terhune's poker game... again!
[Looking through a victim's purse for ID]
Olivia Benson: No jewelry. I always carry at least a pair of earrings in my purse.
Elliot Stabler: Yeah, like you carry a purse.
Olivia Benson: That's 'cause you carry it for me.
Elliot Stabler: Heh...
John Munch: Miss Webber was told to disrobe, put her feet up in stirrups, and try to picture David Hasselhoff on Baywatch.
Defense Attorney: Objection! Your honor, this witness is not qualified to testify on the treatment for hysteria.
John Munch: Actually, sir, I am. Up until 1952, hysteria was one of the most commonly diagnosed illnesses among women. The medical treatment was hysterical paroxysm.
Court Reporter: Could the witness spell that?
John Munch: O-R-G-A-S-M.
Olivia Benson: We blame all kinds of people for creating monsters. Why not ourselves?
[a murderer is stalking Olivia]
Elliot Stabler: I didn't tell you about the detail because I knew you'd refuse.
Olivia Benson: Only the rat-squad puts cops on other cops, Elliot, without telling them. I deserve better than that. Especially from you.
Elliot Stabler: [pauses] You've been under a lot of stress lately...
Olivia Benson: I've always backed your play.
Elliot Stabler: And I did what I had to do. The guy's murdered four people, what's to stop him from coming after you, Olivia?
Olivia Benson: If you can't trust your partner, Elliot, it's time to get a new one.
Olivia Benson: We've gotten warrants based on less, why are you stonewalling?
ADA Alexandra Cabot: This is different and you know it. Once a judge hears the suspect's history, he's gonna bend over backwards for the guy.
Olivia Benson: I saw him, Alex. Plummer is stalking me.
ADA Alexandra Cabot: How did he know where you were when he was in the interview room being questioned?
Olivia Benson: He must've overheard.
ADA Alexandra Cabot: Okay, how many businesses are in the area near Chauncey's?
Olivia Benson: I don't know, several. Why? Where are you going with this?
ADA Alexandra Cabot: Any decent defense attorney is going to say that Mr. Plummer was in the area running errands, that it was just a coincedence.
Olivia Benson: He has killed four people and we're doing NOTHING.
ADA Alexandra Cabot: How many drinks did you have? Olivia, the system made a mistake before, now everything we do is under a microscope.
Olivia Benson: [pause] I wasn't drunk.
[leaves]
Det. John Munch: Will you ever have dinner with me?
M.E. Elizabeth Rodgers: Not while I can still feed myself.
Det. Monique Jefferies: Wow, 4.7 million in one year.
Det. Brian Cassidy: That's pretty good for a fledgling charity.
Det. Olivia Benson: Fledgling - I'm impressed.
Det. Brian Cassidy: Yeah, that's right, I'm a real dope, aren't I? You know what I did last night? I looked it up and I memorized it just so I can impress you.
[Benson catches a fleeing suspect]
Det. Olivia Benson: What's your name?
Suspect: Screw you!
Det. Olivia Benson: Screw You, you're under arrest for attempted rape until we nail you for the other eleven.
[a teenaged friend of Kathleen's is pregnant, and Elliot is trying to find the right time to talk about waiting to have sex - he is helping her practice soccer by kicking balls for her to block from the goal]
Elliot Stabler: You didn't come out again, honey.
Kathleen: So?
Elliot Stabler: So... one ball can change the game. It's like - it's like life. When I get close to you, you just come on out and cut off my angle, OK? Just try it again. Come on out, come on out.
[he kicks the ball, it goes past her into the goal]
Kathleen: Thanks, that was great advice.
Elliot Stabler: Honey, you did great, you did great, it's just that... the players in this game, they know a lotta tricks. Never commit until you know where they're coming from, and even then you just - you gotta be careful. You understand?
Kathleen: Whatever.
Elliot Stabler: Good, OK.
[pause]
Elliot Stabler: Because they'll be attacking you from every angle.
[pause]
Elliot Stabler: Just guard it with your life, sweetie.
Kathleen: Oh, boy.
Elliot Stabler: OK. Come on, kick it back.
Kathleen: Dad, I'm a virgin, OK?
[she kicks the ball to him, he stands still and it goes by him]
Elliot Stabler: OK.
Fin Tutuola: [Munch starts one of his theories... ] Don't get him started on one of his conspiracy theories!
Capt. Donald Cragen: What would it take to get a blanket DNA on an entire facility?
ADA Alexandra Cabot: A constitutional amendment.
Capt. Donald Cragen: You think Landricks is a murderer and not just a sick freak?
John Munch: Since when do those two exclude each other?
IA Sgt. Ed Tucker: You need anger management, Captain.
Capt. Donald Cragen: And you need to kiss my ass.
Fin Tutuola: [everyone is staring at him after he has just explained what 'sex on the DL' is] Don't look at me, I just know stuff.
Neighbor: [a snoopy neighbor witnessed a rape and didn't report it] Do I need a lawyer?
Elliot Stabler: For being a peeping tom? No, you just need a shrink.
Cop: Whoever did this sliced off his "cigar" and took it with 'em. Is that specific enough?
Det. Olivia Benson: Works for me.
Det. Olivia Benson: I went down to the hack bureau. Our dead guy, Victor Spicer? His licence was suspened when he got 11 months for assault.
Elliot Stabler: And?
Det. Olivia Benson: He's still in Rikers.
Det. Olivia Benson: Question - Who'd want to cut your penis off?
Victor Spicer: Take a number.
[Olivia is investigating the case of a man who rapes women on the subway. Nick is reporting the case. They're kissing in her apartment]
Nick Ganzner: Let's pretend.
Olivia Benson: [smiling] Pretend what?
Nick Ganzner: That I'm the guy on the subway.
Olivia Benson: [stops smiling] OK, stop it.
Nick Ganzner: Just for fun.
Olivia Benson: No, no. No, really, stop it.
Nick Ganzner: What would you do?
Olivia Benson: [pushes him away] Oh my God. Wow.
[heads for bathroom]
Olivia Benson: I'm gonna go wash my face, and my hands, and my mouth, and, uh, there's the door. Make sure you're out when I get out of here. *Gone.*
[slams door]
Suspect: [referring to Stabler] If that's the guy that's questioning me, I definitely want my lawyer.
Det. John Munch: Round 2 we go bad cop on his ass, right Jeffries?
Det. Monique Jefferies: Cool.
Det. John Munch: When I was little, my parents told me to never eat sweets.
Capt. Donald Cragen: So as an adult, you overcompensate.
Brian Cassidy: So, I guess your parents said, 'Never get married', either, huh?
Alex Cabot: [very fast] You want me to secure a search warrant for the offices of a defense contractor to search classified, national security files for evidence in a sexually motivated homicide?
[dials the phone]
Alex Cabot: Judge Hermann, please.
[pause]
Alex Cabot: Uncle Bill... look, I need a favor.
Capt. Donald Cragen: Only one reason to give someone the date rape drug.
Elliot Stabler: [after being asked why he joined SVU] I think sex should be one of the best experiences in life, not one of the worst.
Kathy Stabler: So, what's going on at work?
[long pause]
Elliot Stabler: Nothing.
Det. John Munch: We're looking for leads on Deacon's murder, not "America's Skankiest Home Videos".
ADA Alexandra Cabot: [on why the defendant should not be released on bail] Your Honor, the defendant murdered a child. She violently beat a two-year-old child to death and shows no remorse.
Judge Lena Petrovsky: Do you plan on trying your case here, Ms. Cabot?
ADA Alexandra Cabot: No, I'm just using rhetoric to prove my point.
Judge Lena Petrovsky: One of your more endearing qualities.
Investigator: This wrapper definitely contained a sausage and egg sandwich.
John Munch: You can tell that just by the crumbs?
Investigator: No, by the label.
Reporter: Look, if you think I'm giving that up, you're on crack.
Det. Elliot Stabler: I'm on what?
Capt. Donald Cragen: Romeo just signed up for tonight's event.
Olivia Benson: He's looking for a new Juliet.
[to a neo-Nazi defendant]
Judge Schuyler: If you should choose to go to trial and are found guilty, I will show no leniency. Your parole officer's parents haven't even been born yet!
Det. Monique Jefferies: So you're saying *all* women are whores?
Det. John Munch: Don't be ridiculous. I don't know *all* the women in the world.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [referring to a killer who dumped the body in a sewage treatment plant] They sure know their crap.
John Munch: That explains his pugnacious personality.
ADA Casey Novak: This changes everything.
Det. Olivia Benson: You're one night as a bachelor and you go to the grocery store? That’s lame.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [shrugs] A grocery store with strippers.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [to Fin during a card game] What's your favorite kind of torture?
Fin Tutuola: I'm not staying in here with all these cancer-causing particles flying around.
John Munch: Stop worrying. As an African-American you're statistically far more likely to die of diabetes, high blood pressure, or heart disease.
Fin Tutuola: Or a bullet.
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