Quotes for
Ned (Character)
from "Pushing Daisies" (2007)

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"Pushing Daisies: Pie-lette (#1.1)" (2007)

Ned: Hey, I think somebody's truck's on fire.

Ned: I hate to be a bad host, but I'm sort of exhausted from chasing your coffin.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: You can't just touch somebody's life and be done with it!
Ned: Yes, I can. That's how I roll.

Ned: I asked you not to use the word "zombie". It's disrespectful. Stumbling around squawking for brains? That's not how they do. And "undead"? Nobody wants to be "un"-anything. Why begin a statement with a negative? It's like saying, "I don't disagree." Just say you agree.
Emerson Cod: Are you comfortable with "living dead"?
Ned: You're either living or you're dead. When you're living, you're alive. When you're dead, that's what you are. But when you're dead and then you're not, you're alive again. Can't we say "alive again"? Doesn't that sound nice?

Emerson Cod: Sounds like you're a narcoleptic.
Ned: I suffer from sudden and uncontrollable types of deep sleep?
Emerson Cod: What's the other one?
Ned: Necrophiliac.
Emerson Cod: Words that sound alike get mixed up in my head.
Olive: Me, too. I used to think masturbation meant chewing your food.
[awkward silence]
Olive: I don't think that anymore.

Ned: This is pushing your luck.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Yeah, well, luck pushed me first.

[Ned touches the recently strangled-to-death Deedee Duffield and she comes back to life]
Deedee: Hey, Charlotte!
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Hey, Deedee.
Deedee: Now, how'd I know you'd be the first person I'd see when I got to...? Is this...? Which one is this?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: This is neither. Well, maybe it's both, but, listen, this is the deal: you get to talk for, like, a minute, we're gonna catch up, and then you're not talking anymore.
Deedee: Does everyone get to do this? 'Cause, girl, we gotta break it down.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Did you know I was gonna get killed?
Deedee: I thought there might be the possibility, yes. I'm real sorry about that. I probably should've said something. But to be honest, and really, why not, at this point, if it were safe, I would've done it myself. God, this is fantastic! Being honest is fun!
Emerson Cod: Ask her who killed her and you and what's with the monkeys.
Deedee: Who are those people?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: That's Emerson, I don't really know him, and this is Ned. He was my first kiss.
Deedee: [to Ned] Now, you're adorable. Look at your li -
[touches Ned's cheek and becomes dead again]
Emerson Cod: You couldn't have... scooted back a little?
Ned: I didn't know she was gonna touch my cheek. Who does that?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Actually, she does that a lot.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: You said you wanted to know who killed me so that justice could be served. See, I don't think that "Justice" was on the menu. Maybe as a side dish, but not as an entrée.
Ned: It was most definitely an entrée. It was a Special of the Day. Could we drop the metaphor?

Olive: How was your convention?
Ned: Conventional. How's Digby?
Olive: A little neurotic. He's a very needy dog. Do you pet him? Maybe if you pet him every once in a while, he wouldn't be so neurotic.
Ned: I pet him. I'm allergic, so I don't actually touch him, but I pet him.
Olive: With a stick? How do you *pet* him?
Ned: A stick is involved but it's more like a handle to a p-p-p-petting device.
Olive: Your dog needs to be touched.
[seductively]
Olive: We *all* need to be touched.
Ned: You touch him, other people have touched him.
Olive: [moving Ned's hands to her shoulders] He's your dog. Do you, uh, touch anything?
Ned: Of course. I touch lots of things.
Olive: With affection? When was the last time someone touched you with affection?
Ned: I get touched. Could you get Digby's leash now?
Olive: Hmmmmmmmm...
Ned: [to Digby] You don't mind that I don't touch you, do you?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: I can't even hug you? What if you need a hug? A hug can turn your day around.
Ned: I'm not a fan of the hug.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Then you haven't been hugged properly. It's like an emotional Heimlich. Someone puts their arms around you and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety come shooting out of your mouth in a big wet wad and you can breath again.
Ned: That's fine for someone else to do if I'm choking on something other than emotion, but you can't touch me.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: So a kiss is out of the question?
Ned: I've lost my train of thought.

[regarding Chuck]
Emerson Cod: Do you know this girl?
Ned: I know of her.
Emerson Cod: Know of her in the biblical sense?
Ned: I haven't thought of her since I was ten.
Emerson Cod: Think of her a lot when you were ten?
Ned: I don't remember anything when I was ten.
Narrator: The Pie Maker remembers everything.

Emerson Cod: Well, who died instead?
Ned: [shows Emerson the obituary of the funeral director] It's a random proximity thing.
Emerson Cod: Bitch, *I* was in proximity!

Emerson Cod: Been watching the news lately?
Ned: Yeah. There doesn't seem like much going on in the world besides a dead girl on a boat.
Emerson Cod: A lot going on with that dead girl.
Ned: Is that so?
Emerson Cod: Mmhmm. Fifty-thousand dollars worth of that's so. You interested in the conversation?
Ned: I could be persuaded.
Emerson Cod: Well you better be persuaded quick because the dead girl's about to go in the ground.
Ned: They just pulled her out of the water.
Emerson Cod: Jewish. Christians leave 'em layin around - Jews gotta get 'em buried.

Leo Gaswint: [pointing to his missing jaw area] Do I have something right here?
Ned: No, there's nothing right there.

Emerson Cod: [about Leo Gaswint's "alleged" murderer, his dog, Cantaloupe] Cantaloupe was framed; someone put a part of the victim in her mouth.
Ned: Huh.
Emerson Cod: Hey, docile as a kitten, says the family.
Ned: Despite it being a Chow, the breed most likely to turn on its owner?
Emerson Cod: Hey, hey! That's racial profiling.

Emerson Cod: You know what? We all have childhood issues, okay? Believe me, I got the full subscription, okay? Horror stories!
Ned: [referring to Chuck] I kind of killed her dad when I was ten.
Emerson Cod: Maybe not horror stories.

Ned: You died for a pair of plaster monkeys?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Deedee said they weren't worth much, their only value was sentimental.
Emerson Cod: Those must have been some emotional monkeys.

[about the deceased body of Leo Gaswint]
Emerson Cod: How's he look?
Ned: Fine, but my threshold's pretty high so you have to take that with a grain of salt.
Emerson Cod: [looking at the body] That ain't a grain of salt. That's one of them blocks they give cows to lick.

Ned: [to Chuck] I just thought my world would be a better place if you were in it.

---

"Pushing Daisies: Dummy (#1.2)" (2007)

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Hi, Emerson! Isn't this exciting?
[she gets out and he locks her out of the car]
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Hey!
Emerson Cod: What's she doing here?
Ned: Said she didn't climb out of her coffin for me to keep her in a box.
Emerson Cod: She the boss of you?
Ned: I'm the boss of me!
Emerson Cod: Dead girl's gotta go.
Ned: Dead girl's not going anywhere.
Emerson Cod: You don't know nothin about her except she had soft lips when she was ten!
Ned: That should be enough.
Emerson Cod: Well, I don't like it.
[he gets out and Chuck gets in, locking him out]
Emerson Cod: Hey!
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: What did you guys talk about?
Ned: I'd really like to get out of this car soon.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Is he upset you brought your childhood sweetheart back to life?
Ned: He barely knows you're here
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Do I really have to sit in back from now on?
Ned: It's for your own safety.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: You sound like my dad.
Ned: If my hand brushes yours you'd be dead.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: He didn't say that.
Ned: [locking the doors] So it's probably better if you stay in the car for these morgue visits. Someone might recognize you. You really can't come in
[All three of them standing in the morgue office]
Ned: Did I say "can" because I swallow my consonants sometimes "n't", "n't", "caN'T come in"
Emerson Cod: [to Coroner] Got that hit and run?
Ned: We're from the Government Safety Place?
Coroner: Is that a question?
Ned: Government Safety Place
Coroner: Mmmm-hmmmmmm

Ned: I hate secrets, too.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: What? You love secrets. You want to marry secrets and have little half-secret, half-human babies.

Narrator: At that moment, the Pie Maker felt a mixture of happiness and trepidation.
Ned: Why is it always a mixture?

Ned: [referring to an ID badge that Emerson has for Dandy Lion Industries] Where'd you get that?
Emerson Cod: Contacted the company that makes these doors under false pretenses. They gave me a sample ID badge which I digitally altered using the magnetic code that matches the serial number of this machine. Is that cheating?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: [holding an identical ID badge] I don't know. Is this? I gave the security guard a hug goodbye. My upper body distracted him while these things I call "hands" took this off his belt.

Narrator: The Pie Maker considered what the sentence would be for breaking and entering with no prior convictions.
Ned: [Emerson pulls out an ID card] Where'd you get that?
Emerson Cod: Contacted the company that makes these doors under false pretenses. they gave me a sample ID badge, which I digitally altered using the magnetic code that matches the serial number of this machine. Is that cheating?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: I dunno. Cause this?
[pulls out an identical ID card]
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: I gave the security guard a hug goodbye, my upper body distracted him, while these things I call "hands" took this off his belt.
Narrator: At that moment, the Pie Maker felt a mixture of happiness and trepidation.
Ned: Why is it always a mixture?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: We haven't seen each other in like 20 years, don't you want to know about me? I want to know everything about you.
Ned: Look, we've all done things we're not proud of, we all have secrets.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: What secrets?
Emerson Cod: Skeletons in the closet.
Ned: Exactly. How long have you been listening?
Emerson Cod: There are *skeletons* in the *closet*.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Emerson thinks I'm useless. Am I useless?
Ned: No, you're not useless. "Useless" is an empty soap dispenser in the restroom standing around reminding people what you could be doing, but doing nothing at all.

[while escaping from Mark Chase in the Dandy Lion SX]
Emerson Cod: Can't this thing go any faster?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Some car of the future this is!
Ned: I thought cars of the future were supposed to fly! What the hell happened to flying cars?

---

"Pushing Daisies: The Fun in Funeral (#1.3)" (2007)

Ned: Everything we do is a choice. Oatmeal or cereal, highway or sidestreets, kiss her or keep her.We make choices, and we live with consequences. If someone gets hurt along the way, we ask for forgiveness, it's the best anyone can do.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: You stole that off my dead body?
[shuts the casket]
Ned: Uh, it's stuck.
Emerson Cod: Oh, you BETTER be playing!
Ned: Twenty-nine seconds.
Emerson Cod: Oh, HELL NO!
[runs out]

Ned: I was incapacitated by not being able to think.

[during a sword fight]
Wilfred Woodruff: You should know that I was thrice named ultimate sword master at the Southern Area Regional Volunteer Infantry Reenactment Regiment!
Ned: I wanted to be a Jedi.

Ned: You framed someone for murder, you ass!

Ned: Louis Schatz is a big fat liar. And I say "fat" in reference to his size as a liar, not as a judgment of his physical appearance.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Which birthday do I celebrate? I've got two of them now: The first day I was alive or the first day I was alive again.
Ned: The one that requires less explanation.

---

"Pushing Daisies: Pigeon (#1.4)" (2007)

Ned: Just because there's a dead body it doesn't mean you get paid.
Emerson Cod: Just because there is vodka in my freezer it doesn't mean I have to drink it. Wait, yes it does.

Ned: It's raining dead birds!

Olive Snook: Hey, gang.
Ned: Olive, what are you doing here?
Olive Snook: Pie delivery. Tart apple, I believe.
Narrator: And with those two words, Chuck could already see, her aunts were here.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Olive?
Olive Snook: If you know what's good for you, and I think you do, you'll give me two minutes.
Emerson Cod: Why?
Ned: What for?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Okay.
Olive Snook: Goody, then.

[the curator passes out, and Emerson refers to a conversation he had with Ned in the "Pie-lette"]
Emerson Cod: *That's* a narcoleptic. Necrophiliac's the *other* one.
Ned: Yeah.

Ned: The plane was hijacked!
Becky: How'd you come by that?
Ned: DNA... ish.

Jackson Lucas: [after being revived] I can't see anything! Am I blind?
Ned: Good news is you're not blind. Bad news is you're dead.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Makes blind seem like a walk in the park, doesn't it?

---

"Pushing Daisies: Girth (#1.5)" (2007)

Vivian Charles: Halloween is a busy time of year for us.
Lily Charles: Some neighborhood children started rumors that we were witches. They said that we turn little boys into birds.
Ned: That's terrible.
Parrot: Rawk! Help me, help me. They turned me into a bird.
Vivian Charles: Scares the woolies outta them.

Gordon McSmalls: [singing drunkenly and off-key] And never brought to mind...
Ned: Could you not sing?
Gordon McSmalls: If I don't sing, I throw up.
Emerson Cod: Sing.

Ned: Is this a bad idea? Olive as a client? It's a little too close for comfort.
Emerson Cod: Oh hang on a second, let me ask the money!
[makes a "phone" with his hand]
Emerson Cod: Hey money! It's me, Emerson. I'm good. I'm good, yeah, thanks for asking. Say, can I still pay my bills and buy stuff with you even though you was Olive's money first? Uh-huh.
Ned: Wa...
Emerson Cod: [Emerson holds out one finger at Ned] Yeah, haha, okay then. Thanks!
[laughs and "hangs up"]
Emerson Cod: The money don't care. Touch him!

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Where've you been?
Ned: Not important.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: It's important to me. I missed you.

---

"Pushing Daisies: Corpsicle (#1.9)" (2007)

Emerson Cod: [about the Coroner's sweater] That thing's uglier than a chipmunk's ass.
[interrupted by Ned]
Emerson Cod: Why would someone get somebody a Christmas sweater for Christmas? You'd only wear it that day.
Ned: [interrupting] He means the sweater, not your niece.

Ned: [after Emerson finishes] He means "should... only wear it that day".

Ned: No. We were discussing phantom limbs and I blurted it out; it was like word vomit.
Emerson Cod: Then you slipped in that word vomit and you fell on your ass now you're covered in word vomit.

Ned: The Wish-a-Wisher is a kill-a-killer!

---

"Pushing Daisies: Bitter Sweets (#1.8)" (2007)

Ned: Candy might be sweet, but it's a traveling carnival blowing through town. Pie is home. People always come home.

Ned: It's my fault Chuck's father is dead. I should just tell her.
Emerson Cod: Well, that idea might make a stupid idea feel better about itself.

---

"Pushing Daisies: Smell of Success (#1.7)" (2007)

Ned: We're not lost. We're following the yellow, thick hose.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: You've got to loosen up!
Ned: I don't do loose. I prefer tightly wound. Not shapeless with extra room for surprises.

---

"Pushing Daisies: Bitches (#1.6)" (2007)

Ned: You're the only one for me.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: I know you feel that way now, but there are things you want... there are things we both want.
Ned: Oh, everyone wants stuff. We wake up, everyday with a list of wishes a mile long and maybe we spend our lives trying to make those wishes come true, but just because we want them doesn't mean we need them to be happy.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: What do you need to be happy?
Ned: You.

---