Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard
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"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Bête Noire (#1.16)" (2004)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [to a terrorist who has taken him and two others hostage] I can't wait to weigh your liver.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Abby is listening to loud music in the lab] Abby, turn down that babble!

Ari Haswari: [after Ducky tries to get him to take the stairs] You tried to trick me, Doctor Mallard.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It *wasn't* a condition!
Ari Haswari: It is *now*!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Surely, you understand the power of phobias.
Ari Haswari: [exhales] Butterflies.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [quietly to Kate as she's eyeing a scalpel] Kate! No! He *wants* you to try!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [after Kate's failed attempt to attack him] Uh, could you give me a go?
Ari Haswari: I think not, Doctor. You would kill me *without* hesitation.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Broken Bird (#6.13)" (2009)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It is a rare place in this world, Mr. Palmer, where reason is the best compass.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, well the next phrase she yells means "You killed my brother."... Any idea why she would have said that?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Perhaps because I killed her brother.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Are you going to make me ask again?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I suppose it's inevitable. When we've reached the tipping point when your curiosity outweighs your courtesy.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What the HELL's wrong with you Ducky? Your life is in the balance here! Huh? What did you do there?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Only what was required of me.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Are you PROTECTING this guy?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I am protecting no one Jethro. Look if you intend to unravel strings further on this matter, I would prefer you leave them unpulled.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No.

Afghani Ambassador Qasim Saydia: Lack of respect show by you and your people, you will create an international incident.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You're the diplomat, not me.
Afghani Ambassador Qasim Saydia: Obviously. Dr. Mallard.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ambassador?
Afghani Ambassador Qasim Saydia: Have you brought legal council?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't need council, I've come here to surrender.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What was the point in it all?
Old Mr. Pain: How can you still not see?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well what did you want from him?
Old Mr. Pain: Nothing! I wanted *nothing* from him.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Javid was not your target. He was your weapon.
Old Mr. Pain: The boy was a means to break a man. Your bleeding heart eased everyone's fears. Without fear I could not do my job.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You were torturing me.
Old Mr. Pain: To change you. But you took too long to break.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You're forgiven.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: For the crime, Jethro. For the act, there is no forgiveness.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Heart Break (#2.8)" (2004)
Jimmy Palmer: [after Ducky talks to his patient] Does it help you to - talk to them?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, they're still human. But what we do is so invasive, and impersonal. It helps me to establish a relationship.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [as Dr. Byers arrives] We were finished here, weren't we, Jethro.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [long pause. Gibbs notices Ducky's interest in Byers] Oh, we were, Ducky.

Commander Janice Byers: Ducky?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes, it was something I was tagged with in school in my youth. I used to resent it. Now I quite like it.
Commander Janice Byers: So do I.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I thought I'd show her something that revealed who I am. If she gets turned on, we haven't wasted our time.
Abby Sciuto: You're the man, Ducky... Why can't I find a man like you?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, if this doesn't work out, I *am* available.

[last lines]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You can't let any woman affect you like this, Duck. Especially one you didn't know that well.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, my concerns are more immediate. I have two tickets for the opera tonight. She was going to accompany me. Jethro?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I wonder if Kate would be interested. Do you know where she is?
Anthony DiNozzo: No.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Lt. Jane Doe (#2.4)" (2004)
[last lines]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [speaking to ashes of Jane Doe #1] Time for our relationship to change, my dear. It's time for you to go home. But... it's not the home you knew in this life, but I think you'll find peace here. And the way things turned out, so will I.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [looking over the corpse of Lt. Jane Doe] You're back aren't you? You bastard.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You've been holding out on me, Doctor.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes, Agent Gibbs... I have.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [after evidence links victim to a cold case] He's back, isn't he? Not again, Jethro. We *can't* let him escape again.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: The language of silence may be hard to hear, Caitlin. But, unlike the living, when the dead speak, they do not lie.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Marine Down (#1.9)" (2003)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [performing an autopsy then Ducky jumps back in shock] Dear Lord! I believe I know how you died Major. May the Lord have mercy on your soul!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Duck, we don't have time for stories on this one.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Fine. But first I have a question: do you people find me... boring?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [speaking simultaneously with the others] No.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Of course not!
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Absolutely not.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: ...Can we get back to this now?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes the concentration of methanol confirmed my suspicions. The reason I was unable to determine the cause of death was because our Major was alive when they embalmed him!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Our major appears to be in perfect health.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Except for the part where he's dead.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Aliyah (#6.25)" (2009)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Doesn't add up. DiNozzo's more a brawler. Rivkin was kidon.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ah, I thought you'd never ask.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Entering Gibbs's basement] Jethro, forgive the intrusion.
[notices the boat is missing from the basement]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: How did you possibly manage to -?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Aw geez, Duck. You gonna ask me that every time?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I know this decision must not have come easily.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It wasn't my decision.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: But Tony said...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, it was Ziva's. From the moment she asked me to choose.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: But you took to Ziva more quickly than to any other agent before her. Timothy, Caitlin, even DiNozzo. I've always sensed there's a strong bond between the two of you. Something shared perhaps.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Yankee White (#1.1)" (2003)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You know, Abby, nature always proves to be a far more elusive and powerful killer than man.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did you enjoy playing my boss?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I did, rather.

Coroner Elmo Poke: Hello, Ducky. How'd you like them steaks I air-expressed you?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Delicious.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: He air-expressed him steaks?
Agent Caitlin Todd: It's a big state. Look how long it took them to get here.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: About Face (#5.17)" (2008)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We gotta find out what he was doing up here.
Officer Ziva David: And with whom he was doing it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Doing what?
Officer Ziva David: Whatever it was he was doing when he was undone.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Done? What?
Officer Ziva David: Done!
[Ziva leaves]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wait...
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: In. My dear fellow. Done in. Don't you understand the Queen's English?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not *this* queen.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: How is Mr. Palmer?... I really miss his assistance. You never fully appreciate someone until they're not here.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hah, he'll be all right.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jimmy may not have had a good look at the shooter, but I fear the shooter may have had a good look at him.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Duck, you let me worry about the shooter.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I have no doubt that you have it in you to die a hero's death. But for the time being. I'd appreciate it if you could stay alive to help me examine the dead.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Left for Dead (#1.10)" (2004)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jethro, I don't answer forensics questions I don't know the answers to. You know that. Why do you keep asking me?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Force of habit.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Speaking of dates to work from, we've worked together for 2 years, and I have no idea where you live.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well I just as well kept it we kept it that way.
[Ducky leaves]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Right.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [at the crime scene] Okay, let's get to work.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't have a body!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Go find one, Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Here?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sure, how many times have we had multiple victims?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Quite right, Jethro.
[Ducky walks off. Tony chuckles slightly]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's slick, Boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Getting Ducky off, so he won't bug us with stories about the...
[Gibbs stares at him]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We better get back to work.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Toxic (#6.21)" (2009)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That invitation extend to me too, Duck?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Since when have you waited for an invitation? Don't answer that. I know you like to keep people on their toes.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [to a body] You messed with the wrong forensic scientist.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [to dead body, about Abby] You messed with the wrong forensic scientist.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Dead and Unburied (#4.5)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee, over here.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're not going to step on me are you?
[looks up at Gibbs]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Footprints right... footprints... footprints... looking for footprints... It's a pretty tight weave...
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Looks like Sisal. It's a naturally stiff fiber woven from the leaf of the cactus plant. It doesn't matt, trap dust, build static, makes it ideal for carpeting. Personally I prefer a good shag.
[Gibbs and McGee just look at him while Palmer grinning like a loon]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: uh... From uh... criminal investigative standpoint.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Ducky is examining a decomposing corpse dumped in a living room] I'll have to research the predatory, manipulative, grandiose nature of this behavior, but my first impression is that we're dealing with a complete loon.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That Master's in Psych is starting to pay off, Ducky.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [watching Gibbs in interrogation] She's telling the truth.
Officer Ziva David: Where are you going?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: To tell Gibbs.
[leaves Observation]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What do you think?
Officer Ziva David: Glad the glass is bulletproof.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Smoked (#4.10)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You know how I feel about apologies.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It's a sign of weakness.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not among friends. I'm sorry, Ducky. I should've told you about Shannon and Kelly.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I should have told you something months ago. Welcome home, Jethro.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: He was stabbed repeatedly and fatally.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: With WHAT? A safety pin?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: As I explained, the shrinkage of the flesh is deceptive. Most likely it was an icepick or philips head screwdriver.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Somebody killed your serial killer Fornell.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: On a Marine base! Which means it is still OUR jurisdiction!
[tears up the order to transfer the case to the FBI]

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: And the moral of course is...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's never a good idea to get married.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: No, it's best not to judge someone until all the facts are in.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I like mine better.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Cloak (#6.8)" (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to DiNozzo and Ducky] I used both of you because I knew you could handle it.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What do you need from us now?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Patience.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Ducky takes one look at a body] Something familiar, Doctor? Reminds me of... Gibraltar.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [exhales] Yeah. That... was the case.
Jimmy Palmer: What happened in Gibraltar?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: That's a story for another time, Mr. Palmer.
[closes the lid on the crate]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Let's get back to the van, there's nothing more for us to do here.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I didn't come down here to get my head shrunk.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Why did you come down here?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Just killing time.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Would you like me to perform an autopsy on your watch?

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: The Meat Puzzle (#2.13)" (2005)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Drawn-out digressions is a privilege earned, Mr. Palmer.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [holding up an amputated big toe] My God! I think I know who this is!

[Ducky has discovered that the identity of butchered bodies are people associated with a trial he was also associated with]
Jimmy Palmer: Are you scared Dr. Mallard?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Madame Currie, one of the worlds most brilliant thinkers, once said, "There is nothing in life to be feared, it is only to be understood". I think it safe to say that Madame Currie never set her eyes on a meat puzzle. Yes I'm scared... scared as hell.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Silent Night (#6.11)" (2008)
Abby Sciuto: I like everything about Christmas. Except the Chipmunk Song. And shopping - I hate shopping. I never know what to get anyone - especially Gibbs. What do you get a guy who has nothing and wants nothing?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Some squeaky shoes.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Something wrong, Jethro?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Fingerprints found at a double homicide yesterday belong to a Petty Officer who is supposed to have been dead 17 years.
[Hands Ducky a folder]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: His death certificate.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh dear.
[gaffs]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Someone's in trouble.
[looks at the death certificate]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I signed it?

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Good Cop, Bad Cop (#7.4)" (2009)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Isn't this punishing her?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, maybe it's tough loving.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You do know there are other kinds.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: The truth, Ziva, may set you free.
Officer Ziva David: And it may not.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ziva, some bodies are not meant to stay buried. What happened to him?

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Dead Man Walking (#4.16)" (2007)
Lt. Roy Sanders: Table's cold.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: None of my other patients ever complained.
Lt. Roy Sanders: Sorry, thought it might be nice for you to have someone to talk to for a change.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, I always talk to my guests. The difference here, is you talk back.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I've emailed your records to the doctors at AFRI. They'll be running more tests. Try to conserve your energy. You'll need it later. I don't want to see you back on my cold table.
Lt. Roy Sanders: Appreciate your help, Doc.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Good luck.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Minimum Security (#1.8)" (2003)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't see Chanel No. 5.
Abby Sciuto: Does anyone wear that anymore?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: My mother does.
Abby Sciuto: Really.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ever since Marilyn Monroe confessed that Chanel No. 5 was all she wore to bed.
Abby Sciuto: So... does your mother...
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Unfortunately, yes. Makes for terribly awkward slumber parties.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [re: images Abby's viewing] This isn't yours, I hope.
Abby Sciuto: No. It's off Sa'id's harddrive. SOMETHING's wrong! The files are too big.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [slight chuckle] Not just the files.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Identity Crisis (#5.4)" (2007)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I hope your opinion of me doesn't waver after I give this fellow a piece of my mind.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I warn you this could get ugly!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after Ducky speaks understandingly with the doctor]
[sarcastically]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I hope she recovers from that tongue lashing.

Navy Lt. Carl Greer: [mercury is flowing out of a cadavers brain] Uh, Doctor? Is this natural?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Certainly not.
Navy Lt. Carl Greer: What the hell is that?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: This, my dear lieutenant, is murder.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Hide and Seek (#6.19)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why would I buy a set of clubs that Ducky could not use?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why? Oh gee, let me think. I don't know. Maybe because if you don't buy them, I will tell Ducky that you destroyed his one-of-a-kind, hand-crafted, hickory-shafted, vintage golf clubs.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Notices Ducky standing nearby] I think you just did.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Ducky walks closer] Let's just call it even, Timothy. That Jazz albumn that I borrowed from you.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: My original vinyl pressing of Django Reinhardt's Crazy Rhythms?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah. You were right. It was unique. It was original.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It was autographed. What happened to it?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Good question.
[Ducky leaves]

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [speaking of a victim] His attempts to abuse himself to death were interrupted by a 22 caliber slug to the head.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Split Decision (#1.21)" (2004)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Abby, I'm surprised. I had you pegged for more the anarchist type.
Abby Sciuto: Actually, I used to be an anarchist.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What happened?
Abby Sciuto: Too many rules.

Abby Sciuto: It's not like they have any new ideas. It's just so...
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: The song remains the same?
Abby Sciuto: Exactly. And bonus points for the gratuitous rock reference.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Blowback (#4.14)" (2007)
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Get the diamonds.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Rene' aren't you forgetting something?
La Grenouille: Ah, my bottle of history is your my friend. Add to it well.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't know what to say...
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard, Special Agent Timothy McGee: GIVE ME THE DIAMONDS!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [walking up on Jenny and the team in a heated discussion] Am I interrupting something?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Not at all. We were just discussing the various ways NCIS could have killed Mr. Harrow besides chasing him to death!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I am interrupting something. I'll come back.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Doctor! Death was most likely caused by...?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Miocardial Infarction. Brought on by a combination of a high fat western diet and the mistaken belief he could run up all those stairs.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Requiem (#5.7)" (2007)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jethro, just who are you trying to save?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I look at her, I see Kelly, Duck. How it should have been.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jethro, be careful. Don't let your - Somethings *can't* be undone.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I wasn't there then, I am *now*.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Someone grabbed him vise like and SQEEEZED.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Uh, yeah. That would've been me, Duck.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [pause. Ducky and McGee exchange looks] I'll go see how the others are doing.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: One Shot, One Kill (#1.13)" (2004)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Can we hurry it up. Don't think Gunnery Sergeant Alvarez would appreciate being seen like this.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You *knew* the man?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope.
[Gibbs walks away. Ducky talks to the corpse]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: If it's any consolation, Gunny, Gibbs is the absolute *best* we have.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: We can get the trajectory, no problem.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The competition's gonna be for the bullet.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't think the unfortunate Staff Sergeant Allen isn't going to be much use there. The bullet passed clean through.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then I suggest we help our "good friends", the FBI, find it. Tony, make a hole.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ducky] Scalpel.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Kate, find the bullet.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Witch Hunt (#4.6)" (2006)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: "The sky is blue, the grass is green, may we have our Halloween?" That was how we used to say "Trick or treat" in Scotland.
Sarah Niles: [as he gives her some candy] Thank you.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You're very welcome, Your Highness.

[the M.E. van pulls up, its windshield splattered with eggs]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Sorry we're late, only we had a run-in with some local youths.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, I can see that, Doctor.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did you get a good look at them?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, we did better than that. Release the captives, Mr. Palmer!
[Palmer opens the van, letting out two teenagers in ninja outfits]
Ninja #1: Where are we?
Ninja #2: Are we in trouble?
Ninja #1: We said we were sorry!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [handing them Windex and paper towels] Right... clean it!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nice work, Palmer.
Jimmy Palmer: Oh, it wasn't me, Tony. Dr. Mallard chased them for three blocks.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, please. It's not that impressive. It's not as if they were *real* ninjas.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Stakeout (#5.12)" (2008)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Abby is spinning in circles on a stool] Abby. Abigail! What are you doing?
Abby Sciuto: I'm trying to change my spacial orientation. Help myself get a new perspective.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: How's it working?
Abby Sciuto: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You got it?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: At great personal expense, I'm afraid. I agreed to be Tom Hubbard's Bridge partner at a tournament next month. A weekend in hell.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Hometown Hero (#2.21)" (2005)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They're holding Petty Officer Dobbs' body for you at the Dover morgue.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't get it, I thought he died in combat.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I need you to take a look, Ducky.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What do you expect me to find?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nothing. I just need to buy more time.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, Jethro, I can spend forever finding nothing.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You ever think the petty officer might be guilty?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Crossed my mind.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: More than once obviously. Othewise you'd be telling me your gut says he's not guilty.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Several marine guts in Iraq saying that.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Not yours?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [pause] Yeah. Yeah. My gut says it too!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Your gut? Or Semper Fi?

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: The Inside Man (#7.3)" (2009)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You know, I'd like to have a chat with the people who wrote these instructional manuals. But I don't believe we have a language in common.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It never made sense to me, to spend a fortune on something that's going to be viewed for a couple hours then stuck in the ground to rot.
Abby Sciuto: Mine has, and will continue to provide me with hours of restful sleep and pleasure.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Child's Play (#7.9)" (2009)
Ziva David: No, it was my fault.
Dr. Donald Mallard: I distracted you from doing your job.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It's both of your faults. Focus on fixing it.

Dr. Donald Mallard: A toast. Close friends and dear family all. A bountiful thanks and good cheer for fall.
Abby Sciuto: And to all a good night... Wrong holiday.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Bloodbath (#3.21)" (2006)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [to Abby and McGee] I don't anticipate any long term side-effects.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Better not be. You two don't have permission to be sick.

[Palmer is trying to sort the assorted pieces of connective tissue found at the crime scene]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I think it best to start with a corner piece, Mr. Palmer.
Jimmy Palmer: Um, Doctor...?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Haven't you ever done a jigsaw puzzle? You always start with the corners. May I suggest the plantar fasciae?
Jimmy Palmer: The feet?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes, and then build it up from there. The anterior vesiculus...
Jimmy Palmer: ...Of the ankle.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Mmm-hmm.
Jimmy Palmer: And then the fasciae crusus of the lower calf. Oh, thank you, Doctor! That's a very helpful analogy.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: And a fitting one, too, considering the original term for jigsaw puzzle was "dissected maps." So named by the Europeans in the late 1760's. They used to take maps and cut them up into irregular pieces for their children to reassemble.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Shalom (#4.1)" (2006)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [during a secret planning session to help Ziva] Danger, intrigue, a damsel in distress. I'm actually looking forward to it.

Abby Sciuto: I talked to Ziva yesterday.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't bowl with nuns. I should have seen that one coming.
Abby Sciuto: I do! Ziva made me promise not to tell.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Why would Ziva care we knew that you bowl with nuns?

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Skeletons (#4.17)" (2007)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Mr. Palmer, we have to recover all of this
[the exploded soup from the crypt]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: .
Jimmy Palmer: One wet-vac for the solyent green coming right up.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: The Immortals (#1.4)" (2003)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You know Abby, sometimes the dead make more sense to me than the living.
Abby Sciuto: Me, too.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Frame Up (#3.9)" (2005)
Jimmy Palmer: I'll bet Tony made some unseemly comment about these legs, didn't he?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Why would he do that, Mr. Palmer?
Jimmy Palmer: I just mean, uh, knowing Tony - They're fairly shapely legs, Doctor.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes. Nobody had the bad taste to verbalize such a though, until now.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: An Eye for an Eye (#2.17)" (2005)
[Abby and Ducky are in her lab, talking to Gibbs on the phone. Ducky starts to report, then remembers his manners]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I'm sorry. Ladies first.
Abby Sciuto: That is so sweet!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It's a pleasure, I'm sure.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Today, Abby!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: SWAK (#2.22)" (2005)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [looking at a monitor of autopsy] I can't belive Gibbs broke protocol!
Abby Sciuto: [slight chuckle] No he didn't.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: But he left autopsy.
Abby Sciuto: But not isolation.
[Gibbs and McGee enter wearing biohazard suits]

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: The Ex-File (#5.3)" (2007)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: They weren't married long.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Fourteen months. Top of my class in interrogation.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well remind me to ask for a highly qualified lawyer should I ever be interrogated by you.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: I don't want to be another one of his mistakes, Ducky. I know he's been married three times.
[awkward pause]
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: *More* than three times?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Perhaps I should get that lawyer now.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: My Other Left Foot (#1.12)" (2004)
Abby Sciuto: This guy had huge feet. You could wear this sock as a leg warmer.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What are you implying, Abby?
Abby Sciuto: I'm not implying anything. But you know what they say about guys with big hands and big feet, right?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What?
Abby Sciuto: They're clowns.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Deliverance (#6.15)" (2009)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You've never left the scene of a crime before I arrived until this case, Jethro.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, had something else to do.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Something to do with your Marine Corp Service number?
NCIS Director Leon Vance: [Leon enters] I was wondering the same thing myself... You're avoiding me.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I've been busy solving a murder, Leon. When I have something you'll be the first to know.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Heartland (#6.4)" (2008)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Without encroaching into your territory, Jethro, might I suggest...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That the dead guy was a dead end. LaComb was the target.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah. Any idea why?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I just started looking, Duck.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Family (#5.2)" (2007)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [after an autopsy] I apologize for not seeing it sooner.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You know how I feel about apologies.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes. Well, you... may want to make an exception in this case.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: The Truth Is Out There (#1.17)" (2004)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I want that terrorist on my table, Jethro.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Red Cell (#2.20)" (2005)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You're blowing in my ear, Mr. Palmer.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Love & War (#6.14)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about the dead "hired gun" from a murder] Hired by who?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Whom, Tony. Who is the nominative case. Whom always follows a preposition.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Traffic bad?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Dreadful.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Angel of Death (#4.24)" (2007)
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Where's the bathroom?
Jimmy Palmer: I know!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: First... A toast...
Jimmy Palmer: Dear God make it quick...
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Amen!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Bait (#3.18)" (2006)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What *exactly* happened?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: JETHRO happened! He went in there to deliver a sick girl's inhaler and got invited to stay.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah, but how could he let - ? Of course, he probably planned the whole thing.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Jethro *doesn't* plan, Ducky! He follows his damn gut!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well it usually serves him well.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: It also gets him into trouble!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Enigma (#1.15)" (2004)
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Gibbs thought he saw a bomb.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What do you mean "thought?"
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Do I really have to say it?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Say what?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes, Kate. Say what?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You need glasses, Gibbs. Are you happy?
[the bomb explodes]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that last part.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Dog Tags (#5.13)" (2008)
Abby Sciuto: All right, I know I shouldn't have taken him without authorization. But time was of the essence. And besides, Jethro may have uncovered an important clue!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or maybe it's another one of his victims and he's confessing.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or maybe it's his lunch.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Only if he's a cannibal, Jethro.
[the dog barks]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [to the dog] I wasn't talking to you.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Truth or Consequences (#7.1)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after hearing that Ziva's ship sunk with no survivors] After that business as usual lost all meaning.
[everything becomes blurred and each character is seen from Tony's perspective]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Blah, blah, blah. Computer stuff. Blah.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [drops file on Tony's desk] Autopsy report
Abby Sciuto: Words! There's so many words! And there's thinks and-and stuff and emotions. Thanks for listening.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Got a dead marine. Grab your gear... Got a missing kid. Grab your gear... Some idiot smuggled a koala on a submarine. Grab your gear... Grab your gear. Grab your gear. Grab your gear.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Recoil (#5.16)" (2008)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Always suspect the spouse.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Speaking from *personal* experience, Jethro?
Abby Sciuto: That's why I'm *never* getting married.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Internal Affairs (#5.14)" (2008)
Officer Ziva David: [in Gibbs' basement with wires strung from the ceiling] Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Only Jethro is allowed to call me that.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, no, Ducky. I think she meant duck.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Hung Out to Dry (#1.2)" (2003)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. Ducky? Why would Gibbs rip his hard line out and dunk his cell phone in a jar of paint thinner?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, dear.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, I should have realized the time of year. It's his anniversary.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Which marriage?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, the last one, of course.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ducky. I'm not following.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Every year, ex-wife number three gets drunk on their anniversary and calls him repeatedly.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why doesn't he, ah, change his number?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: No idea. In case you haven't noticed, Gibbs is a man of more questions than answers.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Outlaws and In-Laws (#7.6)" (2009)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: There is a fine line between cowboy and outlaw.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: And with the level of overkill here, you conclusion is -?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Mike Franks has crossed that line.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Chimera (#5.6)" (2007)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to the Director] We're still running tests. Don't know right now.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Ducky Enters] Yes we do. My initial diagnosis of asphixia was incorrect, I'm afraid. It looks as if Takada died from viral hemorrhagic fever to which, by now, we have all been exposed.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Can't leave the ship?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: That's not a problem, Jethro. If my diagnosis is correct, we'll all be dead by morning.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Model Behavior (#3.11)" (2005)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Accidental overdose, Duck?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I doubt it. She had enough PCP in her system to kill a small water buffalo.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Water buffalo?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I tire of saying "small horse."

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Judgment Day: Part 2 (#5.19)" (2008)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Am I interrupting something?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Just Abby's nervous breakdown.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Road Kill (#6.10)" (2008)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: The hands that pummeled the Petty Officer also bandaged his wound. Whoever did this, Jethro, was both savage and a Samaritan.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Murder 2.0 (#6.6)" (2008)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It's very revealing the lengths that some men will go to thrust themselves into the limelight. While others are content to live quietly in solitude.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: The next award to be presented is the Meritorious Civilian Service Award, for demonstrating unusual initiative and a pattern of excellence -Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
[Everyone cheers]
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Agent Gibbs?

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Hiatus: Part 1 (#3.23)" (2006)
Officer Ziva David: Ducky, drip it!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Do you mean "drop it" or "zip it"?
Officer Ziva David: Argh, American idioms drive me up the hall!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well actually it's... ugh, never mind.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Last Man Standing (#6.1)" (2008)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Mr. Palmer, tell Agent Gibbs he can send in the B team.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Implies there's an A team, Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Isn't there?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They're all A teams.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Perhaps some even A plus.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Bounce (#6.16)" (2009)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Circ du Solei. My mother and I caught two shows in one evening. She's an admirer to say the least.
Jimmy Palmer: Aren't we all?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Not like my mother. She had an infatuation for one of the tumblers for quite some time.
Jimmy Palmer: Mark or Ignasio?
[Ducky gives him a look]
Jimmy Palmer: I-I followed Ignasio's career for quite some time and he was...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] Why don't you quit while you're behind, Palmer?
Jimmy Palmer: Quitting, sir.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Judgment Day (#5.18)" (2008)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Didn't Jethro tell you? Or perhaps his cranium trauma is acting... He's behind me, isn't he?

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Black Water (#2.11)" (2005)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Do you suspect foul play?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, you know me, Duck... I suspect everything.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes, an admirable trait in an investigator. And also the reason your three marriages ended in divorce.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh yeah? All these years I thought it was because I was a bastard.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Head Case (#3.15)" (2006)
Abby Sciuto: We found traces of blood on three of the knives we got from Martin Boussard's room.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: And all three came back the same type.
Officer Ziva David: Captain Wayne's?
Abby Sciuto: Nope.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard, Abby Sciuto: Chicken.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, it's not an uncommon substance to find at a voodoo ritual.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah or at a KFC.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: The Good Samaritan (#1.14)" (2004)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What'd you find in his nose?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Cellulosic fiber, lignin.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Wood.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ah, sawdust, to be precise.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey boss, don't you have some kind of weird thing about women and sawdust? I mean... I... don't... think it's weird.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Endgame (#7.7)" (2009)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What about Vance?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, all of her life, she was pursued by one man. Not physically or sexually, of course, but mentally. He chased her, courted her you might say. Remember she's probably never had a relationship. She doesn't know what it's like to love or be loved. My fear now, is that she'll probably turn to him for help. I mean, in her mind, he's been her partner in all this. The one man she can count on.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Caged (#6.12)" (2009)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Examining a body in the field] Cuts across the upper torso. He's been stabbed multiple times. I mean -
[Ducky lifts a hand of the body]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: He's missing a middle finger. Appears to be sawed off.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: The other hand too, Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Ducky lifts the other hand] Anything else you care to tell me about this fellow, Jethro?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Dead 11 years.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: And?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: And I know who did it.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Tribes (#5.11)" (2008)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You gonna do that autopsy?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: No. Well yes. Well in a manner of speaking but several people are going to have to look the other way.
[turns to Shepard]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Starting with you Director!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Reunion (#7.2)" (2009)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Referring to bachelor parties] I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl.
Jimmy Palmer: Go on.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] No. It's better he doesn't. Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh Jethro, can't I tell him about the time when - better I don't.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Light Sleeper (#3.14)" (2006)
Jimmy Palmer: I always say, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: There's a touch of the poet in you, Mr. Palmer.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'd say you're just more touched.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: The Boneyard (#2.5)" (2004)
[Ducky is talking to his current cadaver; he is annoyed with Jimmy, who has just left]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: He means well. But often I have an overwhelming urge to slap him. Is that wrong?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering the morgue] Do it all the time.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [chuckling] So I've noticed. But, only on the back of the head.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Slap at the face would be humiliating. Back of the head's a wake-up call.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [looking down at corpse] Looks like he got both.