Quotes for
Ziva David (Character)
from "Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service" (2003)

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Dead Man Walking (#4.16)" (2007)

Officer Ziva David: This is killing me. I feel like I know him.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Mossad?
Officer Ziva David: Maybe.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Internet dating?
Officer Ziva David: [picks up a paperclip] I will kill you 18 different ways with THIS paperclip!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [speaking of McGee's jacket] Who's the designer?
Officer Ziva David: Why do you assume I know?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Because...
Officer Ziva David: Because I'm a woman? Because I'm Jewish?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Because you're a great detective.
Officer Ziva David: True.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [McGee is wearing a medical outfit] Clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?
Officer Ziva David: Male nurse?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No Aquasmurf.

Lt. Roy Sanders: Mark and I ate lunch while we took target practice. I had a bacon cheeseburger with fries washed down with a large coffee.
Officer Ziva David: [whistles] Run like a health nut, and eat like a slob.
Lt. Roy Sanders: [chuckles] Well, I've always weighed the same. People told me at 40, my body would change. Guess I might not have to worry about that.

Lt. Roy Sanders: [Roy stumbles, Ziva catches him] Sorry, felt a little dizzy.
Officer Ziva David: I have to get you into bed... Oh I
Lt. Roy Sanders: [amused] I'm not saying anything.
Officer Ziva David: Sorry it's the English.

Diane Russio: [speaking of Roy] Got a little drunk. I knocked on his door. He wouldn't let me in. I was a complete idiot and he was a complete gentleman.
Officer Ziva David: Or maybe he's gay.
Diane Russio: Oh, I don't think so.
Officer Ziva David: How do you know?
Diane Russio: I saw the way he looked at you.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sanders know he's still being poisoned?
Officer Ziva David: Not yet. I'm worried it will increase his stress.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Your call. Stick with him, Ziva.
Officer Ziva David: Like tattoos on Abby.

Lt. Roy Sanders: Did they, um, did they find any clues or answers?
Officer Ziva David: Not yet. But they're still looking.
Lt. Roy Sanders: Well tell them to hurry up. I wanna know who killed me before I die.

Officer Ziva David: [Ziva and McGee each reach for a cup of coffee in a vending machine] I have been working for 30 straight hours!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: This is my fourth cup of the day!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Mossad. Hot liquid. Let her have it, McGee.
[McGee moves away, Ziva takes the coffee]
Officer Ziva David: Thanks.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Can't die unless you see a lawyer.
[walks away]
Officer Ziva David: Hey!
[Gibbs turns around]
Officer Ziva David: He might not die. May pull through.

Lt. Roy Sanders: [after Ziva introduces herself] I'd shake your hand but...
Officer Ziva David: Um, actually it would be best to avoid all bodily contact.
Lt. Roy Sanders: Sound just like my prom date.

Lt. Roy Sanders: Would you think you'd have noticed... that I was no longer there? That I'd stopped running.
Officer Ziva David: Yes. I would've notice... I would have missed seeing you.
Lt. Roy Sanders: But eventually you'd have forgotten me.
Officer Ziva David: Yes...
[holds Roy's hand]
Officer Ziva David: I won't forget you *now*!

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Good Cop, Bad Cop (#7.4)" (2009)

Officer Ziva David: Look, I have learned many things from Gibbs, and one of those is that there is no such thing as an ex-marine

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why do you find it so hard to belive I could hack that sucker out?
Officer Ziva David: You cannot even work your email properly! You always reply to all, it drive me absolutely nuts! You know, when it comes to computers you are almost as impotent as Gi-
[Stops looks around. DiNozzo laughs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You thought Gibbs was behind you. You know why? Because sneaky people expect sneakiness. It's a vicious cycle.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: You've been in the service of two masters for too long. Your loyalty to your father and Mossad predates everything else.
Officer Ziva David: My father is not an issue.

Officer Ziva David: I cannot comment on Mossad operations.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: I know this to be true because I'm the one who provided Eli with the intel. You are no longer in the employ of the Mossad.
Officer Ziva David: That does not change anything!
NCIS Director Leon Vance: That's what concerns me.

Captain Kassib Yosef: You are a woman.
Officer Ziva David: You're a genius.

Marine Staff Sergeant Daniel Cryer: You don't want to give yourself away. Lose the jewelry.
Officer Ziva David: I would sooner *die* than take this necklace off.
[Pulls out Cryer's Marine tags]
Officer Ziva David: You ought to know.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: The truth, Ziva, may set you free.
Officer Ziva David: And it may not.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ziva, some bodies are not meant to stay buried. What happened to him?

Officer Ziva David: You should keep your distance, Ducky. The ones who get to close always end up dead.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're father Ziva, he's not a good guy. He's dirty.
Officer Ziva David: [to Ben-Gidon] You could not say "no" to him. Not a second time.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Bi-Gidon] Go. Get out of here! You tell Eli David to stay away! She's off limits!

Mossad Officer Malachi Ben-Gidon: I failed you Ziva. I'm sorry.
Officer Ziva David: Never apologize. It's a sign of weakness.

Officer Ziva David: I had nothing but death in my heart.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You never had a choice. He didn't give you a choice. He raised you to be a ruthless, souless killer.
Officer Ziva David: I did not mean to live through it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You didn't. That part of you died out there.
Officer Ziva David: I am... sorry, Gibbs.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Deception (#3.13)" (2006)

Officer Ziva David: [McGee is dismantling a network server] What can I do to help, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You can stop touching things when you're not grounded.
Officer Ziva David: Okay, sorry. Hack away, you won't even notice me here.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Okay, but you're standing on my foot

Officer Ziva David: Lt. Commander Wilkinson drives a 2002 silver Jetta.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Figures...
Officer Ziva David: What figures?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Chick car.
Officer Ziva David: Meaning?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: There are guy cars and there are chick cars. It's a known and irrefutable fact.
Officer Ziva David: Was it a government study?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's just a thing you know, you don't know how you know it, you just do. Sebring, Liberty, Jetta and Bug; whole VW line are all chick. Mustang, Camaro, Escalade, PT Cruiser: all guy. Hummer is very guy, but with adequacy issues, and then there is some that go both ways.
[Officer David steps on the breaks and points at a silver car]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's an Accord, not a Jetta. But, case in point, Mini Cooper and Accura follow the same category.
Officer Ziva David: Uff, you've giving this a lot of thought, it's very sad.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then there is the Miata, it's a special case: Leans to chick, but can go guy, usually means he's in denial, though. STOP!
Officer Ziva David: Gladly, if it means I don't have to listen to your automobile gender issues.

Officer Ziva David: Who's on the phone?
Danny: Uh, my girlfriend.
Officer Ziva David: [Ziva takes the phone] Hi. Oh, my God. Don't touch me there.
Danny's Girlfriend: What?
Officer Ziva David: He's gonna have to call you back. Bye.
Danny's Girlfriend: What? Wait a sec
[Ziva hangs up the phone]
Officer Ziva David: You're busted.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after entering Wilkerson's house] Nice job with the lock by the way.
Officer Ziva David: Thank you, it was a very simple pin-and-tumbler design.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So are handcuffs. But I bet you couldn't get out of a pair.
Officer Ziva David: Are you saying, you'd like to handcuff me, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not *really* my thing, Ziva.
Officer Ziva David: I see. You're the one who likes to be handcuffed, then, huh?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [quietly to Ziva] Will you please calm down. This guy is a little jumpy, and nervous, so just relax. No sudden moves, all right?
[Ziva removes her cuffs, and attacks the security guard, and takes his gun]
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: No. No! Don't shoot! Don't! Don't shoot!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nobody's gonna shoot anyone. Right Officer David?
Officer Ziva David: He called me a dirtbag.
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Sorry, ma'am.
Officer Ziva David: Ma'am?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Ziva's driving as they're searching for Wilkerson's car] Just out of curiosity, who taught you to drive?
Officer Ziva David: I did!

Ross Logan: Look our best hackers haven't been able to track
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You haven't met our hacker.
Ross Logan: He's good?
Officer Ziva David: Does a bear sit in the woods?
Ross Logan: [slight chuckle] Are you the crackerjack team on this job?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's Israeli.
Officer Ziva David: Look I know I got the bear thing right.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Gibbs quickly accelerates the car] Where we going now Boss?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The mall!
Officer Ziva David: And they have a problem with MY driving?

Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Make any sudden moves, I shoot. Do we understand each other?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Okay, relax, Quick-draw. We're feds.
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Yeah? What agency?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Officer Ziva David: NCIS
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Never heard of it.
Officer Ziva David: It stands for Naval Criminal Investigative Service.
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Never heard of it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You never actually get used to it. You think you will, but you never do.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Enough about me. Let me guess: Pilates?
Officer Ziva David: Very good, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I *am* an investigator, it's kind of what I do.
Officer Ziva David: Mm-hmm.
[puts her feet on her desk, her feet are covered with tape and blood]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I thought you said you were doing Pilates?
Officer Ziva David: Isn't Pilates one of your Martial Arts?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. It's kind of like expensive stretching.
Officer Ziva David: Mm. Well then, I guess I wasn't doing a Pilate.
[starting to take the tape off her feet]
Officer Ziva David: Mind giving me a hand with this?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yes I do. Whose blood is that?
Officer Ziva David: Not mine.

Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Cuff yourself to him.
Officer Ziva David: I'd rather you shoot me first.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Recoil (#5.16)" (2008)

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Thought you were taking the day.
Officer Ziva David: Gibbs's idea. Not mine.

Michael Locke: [reaches for the nightstand. Ziva wakes up grabs her gun and points it at Locke] Easy! Easy. I was just reaching for my glasses.
Officer Ziva David: You should not do that to me.

Officer Ziva David: Michael's not involved!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Michael?
Officer Ziva David: That is his name.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: His *first* name. You didn't...? Don't tell me... Okay, tell me!
Officer Ziva David: What I *did* or did *not* do is NONE of your business!

Michael Locke: Why didn't you shoot him earlier?
Officer Ziva David: I was undercover. I didn't have my gun.
[starts reaching for her gun]
Michael Locke: Just like now?

Officer Ziva David: [getting a phone call from Tony] His print is not a match? Well next time, we *both* should listen to my instincts!

Officer Ziva David: What?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't look so bad. McGee said you were a wreck.
[reaches for Ziva's hair, she grabs his hand and slams it down on her desk]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I was just gonna tussel your hair. Sometimes it makes you smile.
Officer Ziva David: [pause] Sorry.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Have you had your mandatory session with the shrink?
Officer Ziva David: Yes!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Still crazy then?
[Ziva glares at Tony]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Getting off your case.

Officer Ziva David: He did not hurt me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [hands Ziva some coveralls] Need your clothes. Get changed. Get an X-ray.
[moves closer to Ziva]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I do not need to see you again today.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is *that* what this about? You *doubting* your judgment?
Officer Ziva David: I should have moved earlier.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You would've if you could've.
Officer Ziva David: I left it too late.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You still took him out.
Officer Ziva David: [pause] I almost died.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: But you didn't.
[moves closer]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You've gotta trust your judgement, Ziva. Moment you don't, it won't be almost.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Bounce (#6.16)" (2009)

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sake bombs.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Oh, I see.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I barely made it out of there alive.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: And now you hope to finish the job.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee, say words.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What you see before you is the DiNozzo defibrilator. It's been passed down through six generations.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: My family also has a hangover remedy. Jasmine tea with lime.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ugh! That's disgusting! Remind me never to have a hang over in Israel.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [Referring to DiNozzo] Maybe we should go easy on him.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Think he'd go easy on us?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Excellent point.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee...
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Victim's background, credit cards, bank statement. Gibbs, take a look at Renny's appeal, use it to catch yourself up on the original embezzlement case. Then work with McGee.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: On it, Boss.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [to Gibbs] Are you going back to Mexico?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Rule number 38?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Mmhmm.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He got scared. He found out his partner was going to meet with the agent from the original case. It wasn't DiNozzo. But the killer didn't know that, so if I'm him, I'm wondering why my buddy is meeting with a Federal Agent. Hmm maybe he's going to flip on me. He can't if he's dead. There's our motive. We just need our killer.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [DiNozzo enters] May have just found him. Abby matched a print from Renny's Hotel room to one of his former co-workers. A Commander Carl Davis. Gear up!
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs starts to go. McGee and Ziva look at Gibbs] What?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: We've just never heard you say that much in one time.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Or in a week!
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Wasn't my job before. Come on!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Betcha five bucks, Tony does the chair toss technique.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Mm, ten he switches to strong silent.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nah, twenty he's gonna do the picutre tear.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Who'd want to impersonate Tony?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Perhaps Jack Nicholson. You know, impersonation revenge.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Tony] On it, Boss.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Does this mean you're going back to Mexico?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Ziva and McGee stare at him after he explains the killer's motive] What?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: We've just never heard you say that much at one time before.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Or in a week.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [looking at a body in a duffel bag] The seam split. I can't believe it.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: I know. Discarded like a piece of trash.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, I meant the duffel bag. I just bought the same one. I should have listened to the reviews. They said the seams were a problem.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: McGee, the man is folded in half!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I know. No, that is - That's a shame, too. Maybe I've been doing this too long.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Corporal Punishment (#5.10)" (2007)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about Ziva hitting his abdomen] Do it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: As hard as she can?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: As hard as you can.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know that's how Houdini died.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Officer Ziva David: It is possible. I do not remember all of their names.

Officer Ziva David: [of Tony's six pack] Not bad. Not as good as Gibbs' though.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: All right, listen up people. Our fugitive has been on the run for 90 minutes.
Officer Ziva David: It has been three hours, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is four miles per hour.
Officer Ziva David: He is not on foot. He's in a car.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What I need from each and every one of you is a hard target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farm house, outhouse, hen house, and dog house in the area. Our fugitive has a name and it is...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Corporal Damon Werth.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: The Tommy Lee Jones speech *every* time we have a fugitive, really?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: When you're dealing with someone on the run, you need to be able to climb inside his head. Think his thoughts. What would he do? Where would he go?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did a one armed man kill his wife?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Would he dress up like a clown and join a traveling circus, like Jimmy Stewart in "The Greatest Show On Earth"?
Officer Ziva David: Do any of your ideas come from reality?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sure. Just not your reality.

[Ziva stabs a can to open it for McGee whose shoulder was dislocated]
Officer Ziva David: Straw?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, I'm good. I got the one arm. Thank you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe it was you, McGee. The one armed man. Thought it was one of those vets we met at the Walter Reed Hospital.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Wrong case, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do we even have a case? We already got the guy. What are we doing? What did we miss? What's happening?
[Ziva looks confusedly at McGee]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They gave him pain killers.
Officer Ziva David: Oh.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: My fingers are fing-ing.

Officer Ziva David: I felt overwhelmed temporarily, which does not often happen to me, when we were wrestling with Werth.
[Tony and McGee exchange looks]
Officer Ziva David: What? What is this look?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nothing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You like him.
Officer Ziva David: I thought he was powerful.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You really like him.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Who are you having feelings about? You just said you were having feelings.
Officer Ziva David: I said that I *have* feelings. Not that I'm *having* feelings.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That is a pretty sophisticated grammatical differentiation.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't change the subject with your big words, McNerd.

Officer Ziva David: I want to see him.
Navy Capt. Dr. Adrian De La Casa: [shakes his head] He's under heavy sedation. He's fine.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: She asked to see the patient.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Probably not a good idea to stand in her way.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Model Behavior (#3.11)" (2005)

Officer Ziva David: You *are* aware that I've never - performed an interrogation without inflicting some sort of pain?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: My dad cut me off when I was twelve. I had to earn all my dates the old-fashioned way.
Officer Ziva David: Begging?

Officer Ziva David: [referring to one of the supermodels] You really find her attractive?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh yeah.
Officer Ziva David: Well I want to shoot her.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee, photos. Ziva, interview the rest of the models. DiNozzo...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss, I'm pretty familiar with the show. Maybe I should interview them.
Officer Ziva David: That would work for me. I hate models.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That so? McGee, help Ziva. Interview them.
[shoves the camera into Tony's chest]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Any other suggestions DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, I think I got it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [handing one of the models his business card] If you remember anything else that might help, please give us a call.
Officer Ziva David: It's called a business card. Maybe you can have one of the marines to read it for you.

Hannah Bressling: Fingerprint away, sweetheart. It wasn't me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We don't need it. They're already in your arrest record.
Officer Ziva David: From the time you beat up your assistant with your cell phone, I believe.
Natalie Vance: Well, it wasn't me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope. We've got yours too.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, remember that time you drove your SUV through the front of the Limelight.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [describing "Bootcamp Babes"] Three hot, young babes learning what's really important in life.
Officer Ziva David: Defending their country?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. Firing machine guns while wearing bikinis.

Officer Ziva David: He's been up in the Director's office for half an hour.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Anybody around here think that they were more than just partners back in the day?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [realizes that Gibbs is right behind him] Hi boss, we were just talking about Cagney and Lacey.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Reunion (#7.2)" (2009)

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: That is not for rescuing me. That is for leaving me in Israel. You're probably wondering, perhaps I rigged it to explode.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. I was thinking this is a really nice chisel.

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Eli is all but dead to me.
[she pauses, trying to fight the tears]
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: And the closest person I have to a father is accusing me.

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: I had forgotten who I could trust. We were a team. And I would like that again.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You need to talk to the Director.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: It is your blessing I came for.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: David, you were never an agent. You were the Mossad Liason Officer, which by definition requires you to have a relationship with Mossad. Have you even spoken with your father?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: No.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: You're damaged goods. How damaged I need to know before I know before I can even begin to figure out what to do with you. You pass the Psych Evaluation Battery and we'll talk.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Thank you.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: David, no promises.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as he's using the bathroom] How long you been standing there?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Long enough to see that you are well hydrated after your time in the desert.

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Just like it does not matter how it worked out for Michael.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So what does?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: That you have my back. That you have always had my back and that I was wrong to question your motives.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So why did you?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: I trusted my brother, Ari. I trusted Michael. I could not afford to trust you.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You had orders to kill your brother to earn my trust?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Yes.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's a problem.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You lied to me.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: No. When I told you Ari was innocent. I believed it. But yes. I would have lied to you. He was - my brother. And you were nothing. But I was wrong about Ari and you. When I pulled the trigger to save your life, I was not following orders. I mean how could you even think - he was my brother. And now he is gone. Eli is all but dead to me. And the closest thing I have... to a father is accusing me.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ok.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Aliyah (#6.25)" (2009)

Officer Ziva David: [Referring to DiNozzo] Officer Hadar will not harm him. Only two people have the authority to do that.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Your father's one. Second?
Officer Ziva David: Me.

Eli David: With traffic, I wasn't expecting you for another hour.
Officer Ziva David: I drove.
Eli David: Enough said.

Officer Ziva David: Hadar set the fire.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Covering for Rivkin.
Officer Ziva David: I was betrayed by Mossad, by my father, by Tony. Who's next? You?

Officer Ziva David: You jeopardized your entire career and for what?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: For you... He was playing you, Ziva.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I guess you read my report.
Officer Ziva David: I memorized it! You could have left it at that! You could have walked away, but no. You let him up! You put a bullet in his chest.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You weren't there.
Officer Ziva David: You could have put one in his leg.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You... weren't... there.
Officer Ziva David: But I should have been.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You loved him.
Officer Ziva David: I guess I'll never know.

Officer Ziva David: [Referring to DiNozzo] I'm not sure we can work together. Perhaps it is best if one of us gets transferred to another team.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Transferred?
Officer Ziva David: I need to be able to trust the people that I work with. I know you more than anyone understand that.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [pause. Kisses Ziva on the cheek] Take care of yourself.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Okay, why don't you just get this out? You want to take a punch? Take a swing? Get it out of your system!
[Yelling]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Go ahead do it!
Officer Ziva David: Be careful, Tony. Because much like Michael, I only need *one*.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And that's what you're really angry about, isn't it? That's what's bothering you. It's not that he's dead. It's that your Mossad boyfriend got his ass kicked by a chump like me.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Smoked (#4.10)" (2006)

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You two done playing grab-ass yet?
Officer Ziva David: Oh, he started it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah? I'm ending it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [enters and notices Sacks sitting at his desk using his phone] What's wrong with this picture?
Officer Ziva David: Besides being late over two hours?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why is the spawn of the FBI sitting at MY desk?

Officer Ziva David: Maybe it's about time, I just - give in.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And by give in, you mean ?
Officer Ziva David: Letting loose. Doing what comes naturally to me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah I thought I was picking up that vibe the first time we went undercover together.
Officer Ziva David: You wer. In fact I almost did it the first night in the hotel.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Um, really?
Officer Ziva David: But my father wouldn't approved.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Because I'm not jewish.
Officer Ziva David: Because he gets very angry when I KILL a coworker!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Like I believed you for even a second.
Officer Ziva David: I'm sure you didn't.

Officer Ziva David: What would you do if you learned the person you married was a monster?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Happened to my father all the time... usually we just moved

Special Agent Timothy McGee: For the last time, Deep Six is fiction.
Officer Ziva David: Fiction based on us, yes?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: NO! Look if you don't believe me read the disclaimer on the front of the book!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ziva] You buying that, Lisa?
[Ziva laughs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Didn't think so.
[Tony adjust his seatbelt]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nice knowing you Probie.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ziva...
[Ziva accelerates quickly. McGee falls back]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's just a book!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [about Tony and Ziva] You two done playing grab-ass yet?
Officer Ziva David: Oh, he started it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah? Well, I'm ending it.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Tony and Ziva] You two done playing grab-ass yet?
Officer Ziva David: Oh, he started it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, I'm ending it.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Cloak (#6.8)" (2008)

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Who was that guy?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony takes a seat] Well, there's this little drinking game sailors taught me during my time as an agent afloat. Someone calls for a coin, you pull out one of these.
[Pulls out a coin]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Whoever has the highest officer's coin, whoever's rubbed elbows with the biggest brass, everyone else has to buy him drinks. That's who that guy was. The downside here is someone is lying to us. The upside is,
[Flips the coin to Ziva]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: we never have to pay for a drink again.
[Ziva looks at the Sec Nav Coin]

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [regard Domino] Leave it.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: But...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's bogus, DiNozzo... The whole installation is bogus.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Nothing is real?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Just the threat.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do you know who it is?... Do *we* know who it is?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Someone close to us.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: How would he arrange for Lee to shoot Langer?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Easiest way.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The Mole is
[Lee exits the elevator and walks to them]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: benign. Which is fantastic because I was a little worried. And so the dermatologist said "That's not a carcenoma. It's a beauty mark." Hey how are you Michelle?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The last thing I remember before the lights going out was you kimbo slicing through a room full of guards. Was that a reflex?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Yes! It was. Gunshot went off. I saw YOU...
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [long pause] I'm tired of pretending.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: So am I.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's dinner theatre for an audience of one. When's the curtain going down.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Wonder what they're doing up there?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Does the Navy still hang people?
Abby Sciuto: [Abby stiffens up] Tony!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well it is treason, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: McGee.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What else can they do? There's no way she walks out of here.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: No way.
[Abby clears her throat. Everyone watches Agent Lee walk past them]
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Good night everyone.

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: What is this place?
Marine: That's classified.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Classified? What do you got in there? Aliens? Big Foot? Ark of the Covenant? That only leaves one thing.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [in unison with Ziva] Unicorn.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: [in unison with McGee] Unicorn.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [when Tony's waiting for a phone call and staring intently at the phone] You know what they say about a watched pot, Tony.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: It calls the kettle black.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It never boils.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Boxed In (#3.12)" (2006)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wait, back up a second. You were with McGeek?
Officer Ziva David: No, he was with me. I was making him dinner.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why would you make McGeek dinner?
Officer Ziva David: I like to cook.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You cook?
Officer Ziva David: Jimmy seemed to like it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Palmer? I've never even been to your place and you're cooking dinner for McGee and the autopsy gremlin? At what point did the Earth fall off its axis?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm not getting a signal. How about you?
Officer Ziva David: [holds up her cell phone] No. I'm braless.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I noticed that earlier. But on your phone they're called "bars."

Officer Ziva David: Careful. This thing could be booby trapped a dozen different ways.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then why are we opening it again.
Officer Ziva David: Because if it is a bomb, it might be armed.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey, listen, if this thing goes off, I just want you to know that...
Officer Ziva David: This is not your fault. I know.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh, no. I was gonna say that your life would've had more meaning if you'd slept with me.
Officer Ziva David: If you had anything else on your mind. Perhaps I would have.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really?
Officer Ziva David: No.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [explaining how he knows the money is counterfeit] The ink. It smells.
Officer Ziva David: Yes, like ink.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, our money doesn't smell.
[pulls a bill from his pocket]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Here. Try it. Give it a little sniff
Officer Ziva David: [sniffs it] That smells like stale alcohol and your armpit.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [sniffs it] Yeah. The point is, it doesn't smell like ink.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So, riddle me this Batgirl. How does one wrangle an invite to dinner at your place?
Officer Ziva David: Why, feel a little left out, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I mean, McGee, I can understand. He's a good guest. I bet he brought a bottle of wine.
Officer Ziva David: And dessert.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, big surprise there. But Palmer? I've had more stimulating conversations with cats.

Officer Ziva David: Best sex movie?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Body Heat. William Hurt, Kathleen Turner. Smart-noir. I like the whole sweaty, chair through glass door thing.
Officer Ziva David: I prefer the air conditioner on, and if somebody threw a chair through my door, I would probably shoot them.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Dead Reckoning (#6.20)" (2009)

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe he had an appointment: doctor, dentist. Check his calendar McGee
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...No. Soon as I start going through his stuff, he's gonna walk in a catch me. Forget it!
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: I cannot believe it. I'll do it!
[Starts to go to Gibbs's desk, then pauses]
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Tony, watch the elevator. McGee the stairs. Now!

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about to track Gibbs's cellphone] Where is he?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Forget it he's gonna know.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How would he?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Because he knows everything.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: McGee do it. We need to know he's okay.
[McGee starts the search and DiNozzo's phone rings]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Two block area of Anacostia.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Checking the caller ID on his phone] It's him.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: We're dead.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Look I dislike Kort as much as you do but the truth is...
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh really? You dislike him as much as me? He tried to kill me! He blew up my car!
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: I'm sure he had his reasons.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Hitmen have arrived] We gotta go?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: We are more vulnerable in transit. Take cover.
Perry Sterling: What's she gonna do?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You know, I don't really know. Bathroom now!

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: In a topsy-turvy world where nothing is as it seems, the one place you can turn to is the wall!
[indicating the Most Wanted Wall]
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Ran his prints. The coma guy is Jonathan Siravo.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The master of pirates. Can't change his own diaper, but running an international crime syndicate. That he can do in his sleep. You lied to me, Wall!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: So, Perry was Siravo's accountant. Set up his living will after the motorcyle accident.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Used his power of attorney to access his holdings and begin building his network.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Meanwhile, the public face of the empire would never be seen anywhere, but here on the Wall.
[whispers]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're the real victim here aren't you, Wall.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Chimera (#5.6)" (2007)

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [last lines; as the team speeds away from the Chimera in the pirates' motor launch, a cruise missile streaks overhead and destroys the ship] Guess the Navy didn't want anyone to know the ship existed.
Officer Ziva David: How did they know we got off the ship?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't think they did.

Officer Ziva David: Someone or something is on the ship, with us. I can feel it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [peering over DiNozzo's shoulder] Uh, yeah, I can see it.
[a large rat is eye-level behind DiNozzo. He turns around, sees the live rat, and jumps back in fright. The rat scurries away. DiNozzo exhales]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [smiling] Scared much, DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Stuff it in a barf-bag.
Officer Ziva David: It's just a cute, little rat. Why the irrational fear?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not cute. It's not little. And it's not irrational.
Officer Ziva David: Cowardly, then.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not if you're, uh, someone who survived a bout of bubonic plague, thank you very much! Rats are a known carrier. I used to love rats, back before the plague. Was a regular Willard.
Officer Ziva David: What is a "Willard?"
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's a movie.
Officer Ziva David: Mm.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Willard had a pet rat named Ben, was a social misfit, made fun of by his coworkers, had a creepy boss.
Officer Ziva David: No wonder you're related.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You think Gibbs is creepy?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She meant the social-misfit-made-fun-of part.

Officer Ziva David: Shh! Did you hear that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Special Agent Timothy McGee: No.
Officer Ziva David: There's something aboard... other than a rat.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What do your astute, ninja Mossad senses tell you it is?
Officer Ziva David: In the Mossad, part of the training is to be open to things you cannot see, or even understand.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You mean the supernatural.
Officer Ziva David: Call it what you want, not everything can be explained by the laws of the natural world.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You believe in ghosts?
Officer Ziva David: I do not *not* believe in ghosts... or demons... or monsters. We *are* on a ship called the "Chimera."
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I thought "chimera" meant a delusion or fantasy.
Officer Ziva David: In Greek mythology, a chimera is a monster with a lion's head, a goat's body, and a dragon's tail.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So you think they named this ship the "Chimera" because there's a monster on board.
Officer Ziva David: [dead serious] They-did-not-name-it-the-"Puppy!"

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [staring at his forearm] Anyone else feeling itchy? Maybe that's a bug bite.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or a rat bite.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, no, no. Look at that spot.
Officer Ziva David: It's a freckle.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not a freckle.
Officer Ziva David: Freckle.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Never had a freckle there.
Officer Ziva David: You've always had that freckle.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh, how would you know whether I had a freckle or didn't have a freckle? And by the way, I have never had that freckle!

Officer Ziva David: I know there was something there.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [sarcastically] Like my freckle?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo, get this to Ducky.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Me? That's a dead, diseased rat.
[Gibbs gives him a look]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Which is why it may aid Dr. Mallard in his investigation. Which is why I'd be pleased as punch to walk back through this ship with a dead, diseased rat.
Officer Ziva David: You can show Ducky your freckle.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Silver War (#3.4)" (2005)

[after Ziva finds out that Gibbs didn't know that she had been assigned to his team]
Officer Ziva David: [downhearted] I stand corrected. I guess he didn't know. I feel like a donkey's butt.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [puzzled at her choice of phrase] A donkey's butt?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I think she means horse's ass.
Officer Ziva David: Yes, that too.

Officer Ziva David: C.W.R.?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Year. Civil War Re-enactors. Guys who get together. dress up in period costumes, re-enacting famous battles.
Officer Ziva David: Why?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I've been asking my father that since I was 10 years old.

[after Gibbs has allowed Ziva to stay on the team]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: While you're here, you will be an observer. Hand over all your weapons.
Officer Ziva David: [small laugh] You're kidding, right?
[Gibbs stares. After a moment, she unloads her pistol and hands it to Gibbs, who puts it in his drawer]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: And your back-up.
Officer Ziva David: [coyly] What back-up?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [deadpan] Left leg.
Officer Ziva David: [removes ankle holster] Ah. That one.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: And the concealed knife on your belt.
[Annoyed, Ziva removes the knife and hands it to Gibbs. He looks at it and hands it back to her]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: That you can keep.
[leans in close to her ear as he passes her]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I just wanted you to know that I know.

Officer Ziva David: [putting her finger through a hole in the brim of her hat] Why does my hat have a 9mm hole in it?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ventilation.

Officer Ziva David: [to Tony] You might want to do something about your hair. It's sticking up like a porcu-swine. Wrong word. Like a porcu-pig. The little animal with the little spikies, yes? The...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Porcupine.
Officer Ziva David: Porcupine! Thank you, Special Agent McGee.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do you know how many people are killed by bears in America every year?
Officer Ziva David: No, but I can't imagine it's a lot.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You'd be surprised.
Officer Ziva David: McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think it's about 1.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Singled Out (#4.3)" (2006)

Officer Ziva David: [getting worked up about Tony's recent behavor] Because you have been acting like a little SNITCH all week.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh, I believe the term is "bitch".
Officer Ziva David: [lying] I know! I was just being polite

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't apologize, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Right. Sign of weakness.
Officer Ziva David: Not to mention, annoying.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What's with Gibbs' moustache?
Officer Ziva David: I think it makes him look dignified.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: But it isn't Gibbs.
Officer Ziva David: Well, Tony, people change!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: *People* change. Gibbs... doesn't.

Abby Sciuto: Is it just me or is he acting like a...
Officer Ziva David: Snitch?
Abby Sciuto: Close enough. It must be that damn mustache.

Officer Ziva David: [to a suspect who has grabbed her butt] Remove your hand or I will rip your arm off and beat you to death with it!

Officer Ziva David: [They are messing around with an aging program and are in the process of deciding who they could combine next] Do Gibbs and the Director!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [In stereo with Ziva] Do Gibbs and the Director!
[Then we see the combination of the two, which to their surprise is a good one]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wow, even I'd date her.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never more than once, DiNozzo.
Abby Sciuto: Cool. You and the Director would make nice Gibblets.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Driven (#4.11)" (2006)

Officer Ziva David: [after falling on top of McGee] That better be your handcuffs!

Officer Ziva David: If red light is for sexually assaulting a co-worker, what color is for murder?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh, how's black light sound?
Officer Ziva David: Works for me.

Tracy Taylor: From the video it's clear that sexual harassment can take many forms in the work place: a coworker with "elevator eyes" looking you up and down, a coworker shows you a cartoon or picture of a sexual nature...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ziva] If you're lucky.
Tracy Taylor: a coworker's hand "accidentally" brushes up against your body.
Officer Ziva David: [to Tony] If you're really lucky.

Officer Ziva David: [after falling on top of McGee] That had better be your handcuff.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, this is a classic "yellow light" situation.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Curious to find out what follows "red light" behavior, Ziva?
Officer Ziva David: Uh... potential pregnancy?

Officer Ziva David: Test results come back already?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yes, I'm pregnant. McGee's gonna be very proud.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Light Sleeper (#3.14)" (2006)

[last lines]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tony, Ziva, about what happened back at the bomb...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't have to say it boss, we know how you feel about us.
Officer Ziva David: Gibbs, we're a team, that's what we do.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I was going to say: If either one of you two wingnuts ever disobey a direct order again, I'll kill you myself.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [pause] That's our boss.

Officer Ziva David: This is not one of your stupid action movies, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, it isn't. If it was you'd be dressed differently.
Officer Ziva David: And you'd be far better looking.
[McGee laughs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to McGee] You'd be dead by the opening credits!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did you ever stop to think that maybe I am the plucky comic relief?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about their sensitivity training] There's gotta be a way out of this. Maybe I could injure myself.
[Ziva bends back one of his fingers]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: OW!
Officer Ziva David: What I was only trying to help.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What are you an expert on interviews now?
Officer Ziva David: Interviews, no. Interrogation techniques, yes.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Like hooking a car battery up to a guy's privates? I'm sure it's effective, but judges tend to frown on it.
Officer Ziva David: I've learned from Gibbs that in certain cases you can attract far more bees with honey.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Flies.
Officer Ziva David: What do flies have to do with honey?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Flies don't like vinegar.
Officer Ziva David: Vinegar?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's complicated.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Like my father always said, "Be careful who you marry, Anthony. She may end up being a homicidal maniac."
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Your father actually said that to you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, but I'm pretty sure he thought it.
Officer Ziva David: Probably he knew your taste in women.

Officer Ziva David: This isn't one of your stupid action movies, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, Ziva. If this was a movie, you would be dressed differently.
Officer Ziva David: And YOU would be much better looking.
[McGee Giggles]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You would be dead before the opening credits, Probie!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You ever think that maybe I am the plucky comic relief?

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Hide and Seek (#6.19)" (2009)

Abby Sciuto: And it was recently fired.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison, NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It does not warrant a call out.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] You heard the lady, Gear up!
[the team starts to leave]
Abby Sciuto: They only listen to their master, Gibbs. Only you can crack the whip.
[Hands Gibbs a cup of coffee]
Abby Sciuto: Only you can drink this swill.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: This reminds me of the forest I used to have fun in as a child.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I find that hard to believe.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: What? That Israel had forests?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No that you had fun as a child.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [Ziva chuckles] Oh sure, my father used to blindfold us, and take us into the middle of the forest. And then we had to find our way out, by ourselves.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I stand corrected.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Somehow the gun got out of evidence, and into the hands of 12 year old.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who held the evidence?
Abby Sciuto: ...We did. It was an NCIS case.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva, tough time at the Pawn Shop?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [Ziva sighs] I ran into a stone wall.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Brick wall.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: No! It was stone wall! I backed up too quickly.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Why is it always the case that when two people struggle over a gun, one person never shoots the other? The gun miraculously just goes off.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abby said it was an evil gun.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Blowback (#4.14)" (2007)

Officer Ziva David: I told you I couldn't program the navigator. I'm a *driver*!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ziva, I've driven with you before. I'd rather be lost than dead.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This is the pirated part of the console we have to find.
Officer Ziva David: Twenty million for THAT?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Size isn't everything... Forget I even stupidly started to say that.

Officer Ziva David: [seeing all the computers in the suspects home] It's like looking for a needle in a needle stack.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Don't get cute, Officer David! I'm saying there had to be a better way! Right, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's right Director, they could've
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Shot him.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's right. They could've shot him.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Of course, in a high octane situation, Ziva reverts back to her Mossad training, and probably would've put a round through his heart.
Officer Ziva David: Three rounds.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And McGee not to be outdone would've
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Added three more.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: See? There you go. Six rounds same result one dead Mr. Hurley.

Officer Ziva David: Will you tell me her name if I find the pirate's copy of ARES?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's 'pirated' copy.
Officer Ziva David: That's what I said!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, you said pirate's copy. A pirate is a person like 'Captain Jack Sparrow'. A pirated copy...
Officer Ziva David: Who is 'Jack Sparrow'?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Johnny Depp.
Officer Ziva David: He's a pirate?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, he's an actor.
Officer Ziva David: Oh.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How did we get here?
Officer Ziva David: I drove.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Stakeout (#5.12)" (2008)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What's happened?
Officer Ziva David: Goldilocks and Papa Bear found a bed that is "just right." Personally I think she could do better.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Huh?
Officer Ziva David: The jack she is with is gross.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You mean "john."
Officer Ziva David: You know him?

Officer Ziva David: [after realizing that the radar has been stolen] I would not want to be Gibbs right now.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I would not want to be McGee anytime.

Officer Ziva David: Do you think prostitutes get bored? The same work day in, day out.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Where's DiNozzo?
Officer Ziva David: Uh... He's, uh, got to run an errand?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never cover for me.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: I thought you guys shook on it. No more practical jokes.
Officer Ziva David: Do you trust DiNozzo?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Point well taken.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Tribes (#5.11)" (2008)

Officer Ziva David: [regard the bug] Give it to me. I'm going in.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're a woman. Easier for me to blend in.
Officer Ziva David: [chuckling] Yes. You would blend right in.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right. Flip you for it.
Officer Ziva David: If I flip you, you will get hurt.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You can take her, Probie.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Compromise. Tony will do it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't want to do it!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as Langer walks away] What an ass!
Officer Ziva David: [watching Langer walk away] Yes indeed.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're leering at Langer. You're Langer-leering.

Officer Ziva David: These belonged to Abdul. They were returned to his father.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Are you sure?
Officer Ziva David: Gibbs I...
[realizes what Gibbs is saying]
Officer Ziva David: No. They're nothing like them.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I didn't think so.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right, then we'll flip for it.
Officer Ziva David: If I flip you, you will get hurt.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Whispers to McGee] You can take her Probie. Do it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hell, the fall will probably kill you.
Officer Ziva David: Butch Cassidy and the Sunrise Kid.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Jeopardy (#3.22)" (2006)

Officer Ziva David: Jenny can take care of herself, Gibbs. She was a good agent.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Still is!

Officer Ziva David: [as they're driving to the hangar withe Brian Dempsey in the driver's seat] Are you trying to make me sick or something, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You know what, I can't see the windshield, I'm driving with my hands, and I *still* think I'm a better driver than you.
Officer Ziva David: To the left!... THE OTHER LEFT!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: When I shot that cop, I felt like everyone doubted me... But after a while...
Officer Ziva David: Are you trying to make me feel better?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Is it not working?
Officer Ziva David: It's not necessary, McGee.
[Ziva gently slaps McGee's cheek, then giggles slightly]
Officer Ziva David: Our only concern should be the Director.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're right.
[Rises up and walks away]
Officer Ziva David: [to the person on the phone] You put me on hold again, and I'll jump through this phone and I will strangle you!
operator: Hold, please.
Officer Ziva David: Hey, McGee. Nobody ever doubted you.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Just like those calls you're making aren't pointless.

Officer Ziva David: Look, I know this looks bad. I also know with Brian Dempsey dead, it's nearly impossible to bring down his South African distributors, much less prosecute his brother.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's not our biggest problem here, Ziva.
Officer Ziva David: [nodding] It appears there's only one way to fix this.
[removes her gun puts it aside]
Officer Ziva David: I've seen it in your American movies.
[remove her badge, grabs Gibbs's hand and puts her badge in his hand]
Officer Ziva David: This is where I resign.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Next time you hand me your badge,
[gives her badge back]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: you had better be prepared to lose it.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Once a Hero (#4.8)" (2006)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [while at a banquet to protect Director Shepard, Tony tries to sneak some food and Ziva slaps his hand away] Ow!
Officer Ziva David: We're not here to eat. We're here to protect the Director.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ziva, this is probably the most secure building in the whole country right now. CIA, DSS, ATF, FBI - the whole alphabet's here. Not to mention state troopers, metro cops and NCIS' finest - me.
[Ziva gives him a look]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And you.

Officer Ziva David: [when Tony's eating a huge, greasy hamburger] You're disgusting. How can you eat that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You see, Ziva, the human body is a finely tuned engine - none more finely tuned than mine. Even the best engine needs oil.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, there's no bag. Maybe the killer took it.
Officer Ziva David: Maybe she just didn't have a bag.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Every woman has a bag.
Officer Ziva David: Do I have a bag, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, but you're not a... Well, I mean, you're a woman. You're just not a... not a normal...

Officer Ziva David: Two cellphones, huh?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh, one for each ear.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Bait (#3.18)" (2006)

Marine Major Ken Meyers: I need to see he's okay.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Aside from holding five people hostage, he's doing great.
Officer Ziva David: What does Kody want?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He wants his mother brought to him.
Marine Major Ken Meyers: Oh, God!
Officer Ziva David: What?
Marine Major Ken Meyers: Kody's mother is dead!

Marine Major Ken Meyers: Kody's had some difficulties, but he's never acted out before.
Officer Ziva David: Your son strapped a bomb to his chest, kidnapped his homeroom, and is demanding to see his dead mother. I'd say he's *past* his acting out stage, Major!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Probie!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: On it, Boss!... Tony!
[Tony chuckles]
Officer Ziva David: What?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He called me "Boss."
Officer Ziva David: Yeah, he'll never live it down.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after finding out Major Meyer's has gone to NCIS] I didn't authorize that.
Marine Capt. Daniel Wise: No, sir. Your Boss did.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: My Boss is a hostage right now. He's not authorizing much of anything!
Marine Capt. Daniel Wise: Not that Boss, sir.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's the only Boss I have!
Officer Ziva David: Ah-ah-ah! You are FORGETTING the Director!

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Ravenous (#3.17)" (2006)

Special Agent Ziva David: I don't want him to think I'm sleazy.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: The term is 'easy'.
Special Agent Ziva David: What's the difference?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Mostly the make-up.

Special Agent Ziva David: [as they're about to search for a suspect] Gibbs, I d be better suited if I actually went
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We're taking him alive! Let's roll!
[Gibbs, DiNozzo and McGee leave]
Park Ranger Bobby Hendricks: I hate it when men try to protect you because you're female.
Special Agent Ziva David: Oh, he's not trying to protect *me*. He's afraid I'll kill Rowan before he tells us where the girl is.

Abby Sciuto: I was just about to call Tony and McGee. I think they were having sex.
Officer Ziva David: Tony and McGee?

Officer Ziva David: What happens if you fail the autopsy here?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't know Officer David, some of them go on to become our director.
[implying that Jen did not pass the autopsy]

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Road Kill (#6.10)" (2008)

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as DiNozzo's helping McGee make a face] Would you two like some time alone?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, no boss. We were just...
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Acting like children.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You say that like it's a bad thing.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Someone didn't know how to parallell park
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: I've always found it hard to park when someone is shooting at you

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What did Shmuel Rubinstein do to incur the wrath of Ziva?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: He said he liked me.

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Tony, you and I come from two *totally* different places. In my world, you grow up fast, you have no choice.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Now you do.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Murder 2.0 (#6.6)" (2008)

Officer Ziva David: I told you to those... twice!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I did. I did. No. I-I-I didn't... um, Tony. Tony- Tony must've
Officer Ziva David: What? When you went to get coffee? You did not erase those photos, did you? Hmm?
[McGee sighs]
Officer Ziva David: Admit it! And I will spare you *one* of your eyes!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Cole worked at a local carwash. Abby got a hit off his DNA. Two years ago he donated sperm.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony and Ziva enter] Ah the things people will do for money.
Officer Ziva David: You donated your sperm.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Didn't do that for money. Just to enrich the world. So, Boss I spoke with security at Quantico.
[McGee clears his throat]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I interrupt? Let's see who the Boss likes better.
[Tony and McGee wait expectantly]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ziva.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [as he's leaving] DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: On your six, Boss. Hey, you haven't forgotten about the screensaver, have you Ziva?
Officer Ziva David: Actually I had. Thanks for reminding me.
[Ziva approaches McGee]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What are friends for.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Speaking of Rose] Nice girl. Wasn't my type though.
Officer Ziva David: Really? She was breathing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ha! Well I have standards, Ziva. Otherwise I'd be dating you.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Probie (#3.10)" (2005)

Officer Ziva David: [laughing] You - you who won't share a Krispy Kreme doughnut - you are going to give up a kidney?

Officer Ziva David: They're going to interrogate McGee this afternoon. Request was approved by the Director.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And you know this how?
Officer Ziva David: I'm a spy, remember?

Officer Ziva David: [Tony asked if she misses the excitement of being a Mossad spy] You've seen too many James Bond movies. It's not all about car chases and sex.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It wasn't?
Officer Ziva David: Well, there was a lot of sex.

Officer Ziva David: McGee stumbled across something, misread it, and overreacted.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not McGee. His brain's like a computer... It's scary. I'm sure proceedures and regs warp sped through his processor before he pulled the trigger.
Officer Ziva David: It happened so fast... you don't have time to think.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We're talking about a guy who has protocols and checklists for brushing and flossing.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Judgment Day (#5.18)" (2008)

Tony DiNozzo: Paperwork had a deep voice.
Ziva David: She is with a man. Does not mean she is sleeping with him.
Tony DiNozzo: You're right. I'm sure they're tag-teaming the paperwork.
Ziva David: She's hiding something from us.
Tony DiNozzo: Yes. It's called a sex life. Maybe if you had one, you'd be a little more understanding.
Ziva David: [laughs] Ooh, I could tell you stories.

Ziva David: If you value that hand, I suggest you back away, slowly.

Ziva David: [to Tony] First movie quote I hear, I am driving.

Ziva David: Call the Los Angeles Police Department, tell them you are conducting a local investigation, and ask them to track down the GPS coordinates of the director's rental.
Tony DiNozzo: That's all?
Ziva David: It will make me very happy to know where she is. It'll be like "Chinatown." I will even let you do your Jack.
Tony DiNozzo: [as Jack Nicholson] Well, how do you like them apples?

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Code of Conduct (#7.5)" (2009)

Ted Rodgers: [From inside his house] THERE'S NO CANDY HERE!
NCIS Special Agent Ziva David: NCIS WE DON'T WANT CANDY.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Speak for yourself David. OPEN UP OR WE'LL SEND THE KIDS IN!

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Once is a tragedy. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern. We're talking about a black ops widow.
NCIS Special Agent Ziva David: Tony, the first two husbands died in the line of duty. Giving you no reason to suspect she had anything to do with the third one's death.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, I've got...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Evidence.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not to speak of, boss.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then stop speaking.

NCIS Special Agent Ziva David: [DiNozzo's in the Men's room] Tony. McGee has been here for 6 years. I have been here for 4. I know you're enjoying this, but *we are* agents! So could you *please* stop calling us...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs exits the Men's room] Problem, probie? You've been an agent all of one week. Your Mossad Liason days are over.

NCIS Special Agent Ziva David: You know, Tony. I've been thinking. And um, I would like to acknowledge my place as a new agent. And your place as...
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Your superior in every way.
NCIS Special Agent Ziva David: ...Yes. But for my sanity, could you please stop calling me "probie?"
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I say it with love... And if I refuse?
NCIS Special Agent Ziva David: You are Senior Field Agent. And I am... entirely at your mercy.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh. As you should be.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Shalom (#4.1)" (2006)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [speaking on the phone with Ziva] We've been trying to contact Gibbs, but we haven't been able to reach him.
Officer Ziva David: Ah! Why didn't you say so?
[hands the phone to Gibbs]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo! You have 10 seconds to explain why I'm not in Mexico building my teek watertub. 9... 8... 7...

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva, look I'm retired. I'm 3,000 miles away. What do you think can I do that they can't do?
Officer Ziva David: Honestly, I don't know. I was, uh, hoping maybe... save me.
[starts crying]

Officer Ziva David: [Speaking of DiNozzo] He's been insufferable since you left.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [looking at DiNozzo] That true?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ziva] When I have to be!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Maybe I did leave the right person in charge.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Tony] It's good to see you again, McGee.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: DiNozzo.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What did I say?
Officer Ziva David: [to Gibbs] You called him "McGee."
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Ziva] Hmmmm... That's probably because if I had left him in charge you wouldn't be on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list right now.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Frame Up (#3.9)" (2005)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [teasing] You set this up, didn't you?
Officer Ziva David: I would never... Okay, I maybe I would, but... I didn't.

Officer Ziva David: We have a warrant.
George Petri: For what? I didn't do anything wrong.
Officer Ziva David: Oh no? I can think of two things. Framing an NCIS agent for murder and really, really, really pissing him off.
[indicating Gibbs]

Officer Ziva David: [to Petri] If you're gonna talk to me, please get a breath mint. Please!

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Cover Story (#4.20)" (2007)

Officer Ziva David: [talking about their characters in McGee's novel] Was no secret he was writing about us.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, come on, it's not about us. I mean, the whole part about Lisa and her broken heart?
Officer Ziva David: And the memento she keeps from a relationship that never had a chance to happen?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. Where's he gettin' that? Or the scene between Lisa and Tommy, where they, pour out their hearts to each other and spill their secrets?
Officer Ziva David: [chuckles] When he tries to explain the profound nature of his identity crisis?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, I mean, the hidden struggle between who he is and what he's becoming? I don't even know what that is.
Officer Ziva David: Yeah, totally unrealistic.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Would never happen.
[both suddenly look awkward]

Officer Ziva David: McGee you look like you've seen a goat.

[discussing first half of McGee's second book, which Tony and Ziva have read]
Abby Sciuto: All right, let's hear it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hear what?
Abby Sciuto: The book! At the end of Deep Six, goth forensic specialist "Amy Sutton" broke up with her boyfriend because she was digging someone else. Who's the somebody else?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, no, that part didn't really come up yet.
Officer Ziva David: Yeah, I think he's planning on revealing it, uh, um, you know, in the second part of the book.
Abby Sciuto: You guys are so lying.
[gasps]
Abby Sciuto: He's gay! The somebody else. I had a feeling, because Amy always wants what Amy cannot have. Does she know?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Does who know?
Abby Sciuto: Forensic specialist Amy, she fell in love with a gay guy, Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is that why I'm here?
Abby Sciuto: No.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then Amy's on her own.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Collateral Damage (#6.7)" (2008)

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony's still hitting on the new recruits, huh?
Officer Ziva David: Ignorant, hopeful, and eager to please.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What recruit isn't?
Officer Ziva David: I was not talking about the recruit.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know if you've noticed but she and they don't exactly want to shoot me.
Officer Ziva David: Give them time.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right, just. Let me do it. Let me do it, please. Okay? You handle this like your car.
Officer Ziva David: And if you ever want to handle anything every again remove your hand from my *mouse*!

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Deliverance (#6.15)" (2009)

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, it could have been that girl I met at the concession stand while my date was in the bathroom.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: You need a secretary.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or a therapist.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or both!

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [after Ziva fires Medina's Baretta on the range] I prefer the SIG.
Marine Staff Sergeant Vincente Medina: Lot of women have trouble with the Baretta. Thing's got too much of a kick.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Your sight is a few millimeter off.
Marine Staff Sergeant Vincente Medina: Really?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really.
[Medina looks at the target Ziva shot]

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Sit down!
Victor 'Popeye' Carmado: I ain't sitting down!
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Sientate! Or do you want La Bonita to sit your ass down?
Victor 'Popeye' Carmado: [Meekly as he's sitting down] I thought you forgot about me, that's all.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Dagger (#6.9)" (2008)

Officer Ziva David: Looks like Lee was telling the truth.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe.
Officer Ziva David: "Maybe?" It is a little girl being chased in the field.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe that's the plan.
Officer Ziva David: What plan?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Exactly.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How can you work with someone for three years and not know they have a kid?
Officer Ziva David: Just because you work with somebody everyday does not mean you know *everything* about them.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really? So I shouldn't know about that tattoo on the inside of your...
Officer Ziva David: I MEANT, I can understand someone wanting to keep their personal and professional lives separate, as should you. It did not end very well when you fell in love when you were undercover, did it?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: ...Thanks for the memory.

Officer Ziva David: [putting an ear wig on Lee] You've pled your case with everyone else, why not me?
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: I'm done trying to explain. No one understands.
Officer Ziva David: I do.
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: ...You would do what I did?
Officer Ziva David: [Referring to her ear piece] That too tight?
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: It's fine. Thank you... I'm never going to see my daughter again, am I?
Officer Ziva David: Probably not.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Sandblast (#4.7)" (2006)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Did I miss something?
Officer Ziva David: Gibbs just found his fourth ex-wife.

Officer Ziva David: However this cell is operating, they found a way to do so without leaving a shred of evidence.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Other than the dead marine.
[Gibbs walks away. DiNozzo whispers to Ziva]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nice.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as Ziva is disarming a bomb] I can see down your shirt right now.
Officer Ziva David: I don't think your new girlfriend would like that.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What are you talking about? I don- I don't know what you're talking about.
Officer Ziva David: I'm talking about you and the fact that you no longer stare at every woman when they pass you by.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well I'm looking down your shirt right now.
Officer Ziva David: See anything good?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, real good. But I'm not entirely sure it's worth dying...
[Ziva cuts a wire]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [tense pause before finishing] over.
Officer Ziva David: "Not worth dying over."
[zips up her jacket]
Officer Ziva David: I'll remember that.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What if I said it was?
Officer Ziva David: Now you'll never know.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Switch (#3.5)" (2005)

Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Want to know how to get on Gibbs's good side?
Special Agent Ziva David: Yes!
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: So would I.

Special Agent Ziva David: Just to be clear, are there any more of these*rules* I should be aware of?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: About 50 of them.
Special Agent Ziva David: [disbelieving chuckle] And I don't suppose they're written down *anywhere* that I could -...
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
Special Agent Ziva David: [getting angry] Then how am I supposed to - ?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: *My* job is to teach them to you!

Ziva David: [referring to Tony] Is he always this juvenile?
Timothy McGee: Only on the days of the week ending with the word "day."

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Love & War (#6.14)" (2009)

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: What did you think would happen?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know. The flaw in the plan... was the plan. But I got another plan to end it.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: You have to tell him the truth!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe. Not until I'm absolutely sure lying won't work.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's like I said "It's always the maid."
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: No. You have said "It's always the janitor, or the butler, or anyone assigned to Abby's lab." But you have never *once* said "maid."
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Anyone ever tell you, your memory can be real buzzkill.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Leap of Faith (#5.5)" (2007)

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [regarding Abby] Give it up, Tony.
Officer Ziva David: *She* will always be his *favorite*.

Officer Ziva David: [re: Gibbs giving Abby a bouquet of black roses] Is that what you get for turning down the job offer?
Abby Sciuto: No, for solving the case.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I believe those are for me, then, because I solved the case.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But Abby ran the photo recognition that ID'd Lt. Arnett.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I risked my life hanging off a wall.
Officer Ziva David: She discovered the drug interaction that made Arnett suicidal.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I suggested we run the wife's DNA.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Against a National Database of Felons. Dead end. Abby went the extra step and compared it to the Interpol Database.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't believe this.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Give it up, Tony.
Officer Ziva David: She will always be the favorite, Tony.

Officer Ziva David: I'm Ziva David, I've seen you around.
Nikki Jardine: I'm sorry, I don't shake hands.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I guess a hug's out of the question.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Grace Period (#4.19)" (2007)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [just arriving at his desk] This better not be another recall drill! I had floor seats for the Wizards this afternoon
Officer Ziva David: It's Agent Cassidy's team out of the Pentagon, Tony.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They were attacked.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She okay?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She survived.
Officer Ziva David: Her men *weren't* as lucky.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What the hell happened?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] We're going to find out, DiNozzo! Grab your gear!
[they don't react]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: GRAB YOUR GEAR!

Abby Sciuto: What will you do then?
Ziva David: We kill them, Abby.
Anthony DiNozzo: Arrest them, Ziva. We'll arrest them.
Paula Cassidy: I prefer her way.

Paula Cassidy: [Ziva jumps as the secret door closes] I didn't think anything could make you jump.
Ziva David: It was merely a reflex.
Paula Cassidy: Ah. In America, we call that jumping.
Ziva David: In Mossad, we call it the difference between life and death.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Internal Affairs (#5.14)" (2008)

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [handing Ziva a knife] The FBI car outside.
Officer Ziva David: [takes the knife and starts to leave] On it!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Just the *tires*. *Not* the *throats*!

Officer Ziva David: [in Gibbs' basement with wires strung from the ceiling] Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Only Jethro is allowed to call me that.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, no, Ducky. I think she meant duck.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Hands Ziva his knife] The FBI car out front.
Officer Ziva David: [Takes the knife and pops the blade open, smiling] Got it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva! Their tires, not their throats.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Toxic (#6.21)" (2009)

Special Agent Timothy McGee: You didn't have spring cleaning in Israel?
Officer Ziva David: We do not have spring. Israel is a desert.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't tell me she needs a root canal.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. Fornell just called. Abby's been... requested.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Requested?
Officer Ziva David: By...?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He didn't know. He just said the FBI had orders to transport her.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee goes to his desk] Okay, I can access the FBI's operation's database.
Officer Ziva David: [Ziva goes to her desk] I have a contact in the DOD.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony's at his desk] BOLO on the FBI transport?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't know. I thought, maybe I'd just try calling her first.
[Gibbs pulls out his cellphone]

Officer Ziva David: [Slight chuckle] This is nice. Be able to work without Tony's incessant babbling. It's almost as if he cannot go on for more than 30 seconds without hearing the sound of his own voice. You know the truly amazing thing is that he fails to realize just how irritating he is to those around him.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva.
Officer Ziva David: Yes, Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Babbling.
Officer Ziva David: Oh.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Designated Target (#5.8)" (2007)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm surprised you could understand him, Ziva. He spoke perfect English.
Officer Ziva David: You're xenophobic!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I am not Xena-phobic! It's one of my favorite shows: leather skirts, lesbian sword fighting, female empowerment. Maybe I'm a little... Ziva-phobic.

Officer Ziva David: Do you see what I see?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Crazy Israeli chick with impulse issues?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [smacked in the head yet again by Gibbs] You know, repeated trauma to the head can cause brain damage.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Explains a lot.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Is this side of my head bigger?
Officer Ziva David: Yes, but so is the other side.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Judgment Day: Part 2 (#5.19)" (2008)

NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Did you know Mike Franks was involved in this?
Tony DiNozzo: [speaking simultaneously with Ziva] No.
Ziva David: Yes.
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Want to take a moment to get your stories straight?
Ziva David: [speaking simultaneously with Tony] No.
Tony DiNozzo: Yes.

NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Whose side are you on?
Tony DiNozzo, Ziva David: Gibbs.
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Well you finally got your story straight.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I saw you two went swimming.
[DiNozzo angrily closes his desk drawer, and walks to McGee's desk]
Tony DiNozzo: What are you saying McGee?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...Nah
[DiNozzo removes his jacket]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I'm saying I saw a picture of Ziva at the pool when...
Tony DiNozzo: Say it!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Say what?
Tony DiNozzo: I screwed up! You can say it, Probie.
[Ziva walks to McGee's desk]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It was not your fault.
Ziva David: Thank you.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Dead and Unburied (#4.5)" (2006)

Officer Ziva David: Hm. Can Gibbs arrest God?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know... it'd sort of be like The Thing arresting The Hulk.

Officer Ziva David: [McGee and DiNozzo have taken off their shirts] This is just like Chip-N-Dales without the bowties... or muscles.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [watching Gibbs in interrogation] She's telling the truth.
Officer Ziva David: Where are you going?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: To tell Gibbs.
[leaves Observation]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What do you think?
Officer Ziva David: Glad the glass is bulletproof.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Hiatus: Part 1 (#3.23)" (2006)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to McGee] "The Sound of Music" confuses *you*, Probie.
Officer Ziva David: I love that movie!
[starts to sing, DiNozzo puts his hand over her mouth]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: One note, and I will lock you in a room and make you listen to "It's a Small World" for 24 hours straight. Do we understand each other?

Officer Ziva David: Ducky, drip it!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Do you mean "drop it" or "zip it"?
Officer Ziva David: Argh, American idioms drive me up the hall!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well actually it's... ugh, never mind.

[first lines]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This is so "Usual Suspects".
Officer Ziva David: Tony, your dying words will be, "I've seen this film".

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: The Inside Man (#7.3)" (2009)

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why do I get the feeling that Gibbs and Sportelli are going to come to blows.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Who is Sportelli?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's the police detective who made the mistake of tugging on Superman's cape.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Watching Gibbs in interrogation] So what do you think? How's he going to break her down? What's the style?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's leading with Creepy Uncle, but I think he's gonna go with Father Figure you can trust.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nope. Just doesn't feel right. I am going to go with the classic in your face Gibbs the Intimidator.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Don't think so.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No.

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: [Ziva hands Gibbs some papers] I need your signature on this. I want to be an NCIS Agent.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't even know if that's possible. You would have to resign from Mossad.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Already have. Sent my father an email.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's he think about that?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Does not matter.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Broken Bird (#6.13)" (2009)

Abby Sciuto: Want to talk knives?
Officer Ziva David: Always.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What *exactly* did she tell you?
Afghani Ambassador Qasim Saydia: That Dr. Mallard violated Article 4 of the Geneva Convention.
Officer Ziva David: War crimes?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ducky?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why are you talking so fast?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Want to get a plan of attack together because according to my internal Gibbs clock, he's about to walk through that door right... Now!... NOW!...
[Looks around for Gibbs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Huh?
Officer Ziva David: Somebody's clock is off.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Caged (#6.12)" (2009)

Officer Ziva David: Get anything?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. An offer. Maybe his tech adviser on his next film. It's about a psycho sex-crazed cop.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Life and Times of Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo.

Officer Ziva David: [as Abby's return McGee's game] Uh frankly, I do not understand the facination with uh, electronic games. It shortens attention spans, curbs productivity, and it *kills* brain cells.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Enough with the long sentences. Who can follow all that?

Abby Sciuto: I can't take this. Everyday you guys go out and I never know if you're going to make it back. I mean it's killing me! I can't sleep at night. I'm developing some sort of weird twitch.
Officer Ziva David: Our work is sometimes dangerous, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Then get a *safer* job!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then you wouldn't see us at all.
Abby Sciuto: True. Still... sucks!

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Bloodbath (#3.21)" (2006)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We're not so sure it was an accident, Abs.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not sure, meaning what?
Officer Ziva David: We think whoever set up the crime scene might be after Abby.
Abby Sciuto: [chuckles] Me? Who'd want to kill *me*? I mean, Tony I understand, but...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Or, maybe it *was* just a lab accident. I mean, really, who would wanna kill Abby?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know that's true. It's not like someone was after Tony.
Officer Ziva David: Now there is a suspect list I would not want to run down again.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ya! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! I think the joke's over. We get it.

Abby Sciuto: The Lunar Effect is a myth. There is no statistical correlation between phases of the moon and human behavior. That's why it would never work between us.
Officer Ziva David: Because the Lunar Effect is a myth?
Abby Sciuto: No, because I'm a scientist and he plays with voodoo dolls.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But you play with voodoo dolls, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: I mean it metaphorically McGee.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Nine Lives (#6.5)" (2008)

Officer Ziva David: As you know, people go on vacations all the time.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Normal people
Officer Ziva David: I *am* normal people.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're normal people like people from "Ordinary People" were normal people.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What kind of deal?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Immediately after the trial. Kale is going to put in the witness protection program. So even if he did murder Brewer, we'll never know.
Officer Ziva David: It will be as if he never existed.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just like Fornell wanted.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Watching Fornell] For a guy that's about to be handed his head...
Officer Ziva David: He seems to have it firmly on his shoulders.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Calm before the storm. Gibbs vs Fornell, it's like Frazier-Ali, or Rocky vs... everyone.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Untouchable (#3.20)" (2006)

[a cat runs through a home's pet door, startling Tony]
Officer Ziva David: [laughing] Don't tell me your afraid of a little pussy... cat, Tony.

Abby Sciuto: Rough night?
Officer Ziva David: Is there any other kind with Gibbs?
Abby Sciuto: It could be worse. It could be Saturday.
Officer Ziva David: It *is* Saturday, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: See? It just got worse. Thanks.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Skeletons (#4.17)" (2007)

Special Agent Timothy McGee: She seemed very un-Abby.
Officer Ziva David: Who?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Abby.
Officer Ziva David: Abby's un-happy?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, Abby's un-Abby.

Abby Sciuto: [holding a wrinkled dollar bill in one hand and a candy bar in the other] Give me a dollar.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Okay, what's wrong with that one?
Abby Sciuto: The machine wouldn't take it, and I want a candy bar.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What's wrong with that candy bar?
Abby Sciuto: It has nougat in it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But you hate nougat.
Abby Sciuto: [exasperated] I know! It was a mistake, McGee! Do you have a dollar?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [taking out his wallet and looking in it] All I have are big bills.
Officer Ziva David: What is nougat?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's whipped dolphin fat.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, it's the filling in Clowny Cake.
Abby Sciuto: That is a myth! Would someone please give me a dollar!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sure, I got one.
Abby Sciuto: [taking the bill from Tony] Thanks. It's like some crime to not like nougat!
Officer Ziva David: I don't even know what nougat is!

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Hiatus: Part 2 (#3.24)" (2006)

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [getting frustrated] What can I do?
Officer Ziva David: [grabbing the sides of his face with her hands] Remember.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I've been trying to since I woke up in this room!
Officer Ziva David: Well try harder!
Officer Ziva David: [Gibbs glares at her] Good. That's a start.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What is?
Officer Ziva David: The old Gibbs stare! You gave it all of us! McGee, Tony, me!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [yells] What are you talking about?
Officer Ziva David: [Ziva grabs Gibbs's hand, and uses it to slap the back of her head. Gibbs has a flashback of head-slapping her] Ari... Ari killed Kate.
[Gibbs has another flashback, remembering Kate's shooting]
Officer Ziva David: [starts to cry] And I... I killed Ari.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [remembers Ari's shooting] Your brother?
Officer Ziva David: [between sobs] Yes.
Officer Ziva David: You killed your brother... to save me.
[Ziva openly cries, Gibbs hugs her]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Gibbs also thinks the Giants just won the Superbowl and that Dancing with Wolves was an academy award nominee.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, I loved that movie.
Officer Ziva David: Me too. Those Indians were so macho in their...

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Silent Night (#6.11)" (2008)

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Harvey the security guard pulls a taser on the team] That's a Taser, Harvey.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: You only have one shot. Non-fatal.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: There are five of us.
[Harvey promptly tasers McGee]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's a taser, Harvey.
Officer Ziva David: You only have one shot, non-fatal.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: There's five of us.
[long pause. Harvey shoots McGee]

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Iced (#3.19)" (2006)

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Two kids found the First Sergeant floating under six inches of ice.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ice, that means...
Officer Ziva David: You're going to make a really juvenile cold case joke?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's a really good one, too.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not about being gay. It's about image.
Officer Ziva David: So your image is homophobic?

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: About Face (#5.17)" (2008)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So we got a struggle and a dead guy.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Struggle over what?
Officer Ziva David: Over the edge.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We gotta find out what he was doing up here.
Officer Ziva David: And with whom he was doing it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Doing what?
Officer Ziva David: Whatever it was he was doing when he was undone.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Done? What?
Officer Ziva David: Done!
[Ziva leaves]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wait...
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: In. My dear fellow. Done in. Don't you understand the Queen's English?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not *this* queen.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Suspicion (#4.12)" (2007)

Masoud Tariq: You're a Jew.
Officer Ziva David: Yes.
Masoud Tariq: Israeli? Mossad, then.
Officer Ziva David: I'm working with NCIS.
Masoud Tariq: So, yes. So now I'm as suspicious of you as you are of me. Is it always going to be this way?
Officer Ziva David: [sadly] At least in our lifetime.

[Deputy Barrett walks into Tariq's hospital room]
Deputy Tyler Barrett: Oh, cozy.
Officer Ziva David: Can I help you?
Deputy Tyler Barrett: [looks at Tariq's gunshot wound] You know, a couple more inches to your right, and our "martyr" here could've been living it up with all those vestal virgins.
[chuckles]
Deputy Tyler Barrett: You know, it truly is a screwed-up religion where you got to blow yourself up just to get lucky.
[Ziva twists his arm behind his back]
Deputy Tyler Barrett: Ow!
Officer Ziva David: When you insult his religion, you insult mine and your own. Tell him you're sorry.
Deputy Tyler Barrett: [quietly] Sorry.
Officer Ziva David: I don't think he heard you.
Deputy Tyler Barrett: I'm sorry!
Masoud Tariq: Apology accepted.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Family Secret (#3.16)" (2006)

Special Agent Ziva David: I'm Israeli. This isn't my first exploding ambulance.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva caved first.
Special Agent Ziva David: I didn't cave in! I was trying...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee next.
Timothy McGee: Yeah but, Boss, it wasn't what it...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And my loyal Saint Bernard held out till last.
Anthony DiNozzo: Well, I...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Probably all of thirty seconds. So - what is my team? In fact, can I call you my team?

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Heartland (#6.4)" (2008)

Ziva David: I thought he was molded from clay, had life breathed into him by a group of mystics.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's funny. I thought he fell to Earth in a capsule after his home planet exploded.
Ziva David: [chuckles] No he burst forth fully grown from the mind of Zeus.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nice.
Tony DiNozzo: He is the avatar of Vishnu. He was sent to be the left hand of Yahweh. He was grown in a cabbage patch. I'm trying to pose a serious metaphysical question here. You want to be clever? I can be clever.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Just a matter of time, DiNozzo.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's a lot of data to sift through, but I *can* tell who's seen it.
Jackson Gibbs: You can do that? You can tell everything I've been looking at?
Ziva David: What have you been looking at?
Jackson Gibbs: None of your business.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Family (#5.2)" (2007)

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do I need to send you two back to the men's room?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey! She followed me in there!
Officer Ziva David: Only because you wouldn't talk to me!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Gibbs stares them down] Shutting up, Boss.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm fine, Ziva.
Officer Ziva David: All right, but I thought maybe you needed a little cheering up?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: If I needed to be cheered up, I would've put superglue on McGee's keyboard.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [angrily, to Tony] You put superglue on my keyboard.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: South by Southwest (#6.17)" (2009)

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: A law firm in London wants me to call them. Says it's important.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: What could they want?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know. Maybe it's about my Uncle Clive. You remember that funeral I went to last month?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Your uncle really *died*? I thought you were making that up to get some time off.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: You did not change when your books made you plush.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Flush. Thanks Ziva. But it really wasn't that much. Bought my car, bought some clothes. What was leftover I put in a hedge fund which just crashed.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Sorry. So that is why you have been so distracted lately.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It shows, huh?

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Identity Crisis (#5.4)" (2007)

Tony: We're just trying to find a dog for McGee, boss.
Gibbs: How about an Australian shepherd?
Tony, Agent Timothy McGee, Special Agent Ziva David: [pause, thinking about the choice]
Gibbs: They're working dogs.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think it's time you get back on that horse.
Special Agent Ziva David: You're getting a pony?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's an adage.
Special Agent Ziva David: I am not familiar with that breed.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Truth or Consequences (#7.1)" (2009)

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Out of everyone in the world who could have found me. It had to be you.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're welcome. So, you glad to see me?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: You should not have come.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: All right then. Good catching up. I'll be going now.
[Starts to rise, then sits back down]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, yeah, I forgot, taken prisoner.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Are you all right, McGee?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Just glad you're alive.

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Why are you here?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Couldn't live without you I guess.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: So you will die with me. You should have left me alone.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: In the Zone (#5.15)" (2008)

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Iraq's not so great. I mean the whole trip is probably a big waste of time. The murderer is probably right here.
Officer Ziva David: Awfully long gun barrel if that is true.

NCIS Intel Analyst Nikki Jardine: [to the Assistant Director] It is *my* area of expertise. I have a lot of contacts there.
Officer Ziva David: As do *I*.
NCIS Intel Analyst Nikki Jardine: My contacts are still breathing.
Officer Ziva David: As are...
[scoffs]
Officer Ziva David: Hmm most of mine.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Outlaws and In-Laws (#7.6)" (2009)

Special Agent Timothy McGee: You do realize this is a trap? She's practically inviting us to mess with her.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, what kind of man would I be if I turned down such an enticing invitation.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You wouldn't be a sucker.
Ziva David: [DiNozzo picks up a marker and starts moving towards Ziva's face] ... Touch me and die!

Abby Sciuto: This is the crime scene. It was flown here on a C-130 cargo plane. Along with 2 bodies and all the evidence. And now it is mine. It is *all* mine! So I can figure out the mystery.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What mystery? Who the dead guys were?
Ziva David: Or who killed them?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Or how they ended up on the boat.
Abby Sciuto: Sure, uh, you guys should work on that. While I figure out how he got it out of the basement.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Head Case (#3.15)" (2006)

[after the team raids a chop-shop, Ziva opens the trunk on a stolen car, finding a decapitated head in a beer cooler]
Officer Ziva David: Gibbs! The car's not the only thing they've been chopping here.

Abby Sciuto: We found traces of blood on three of the knives we got from Martin Boussard's room.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: And all three came back the same type.
Officer Ziva David: Captain Wayne's?
Abby Sciuto: Nope.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard, Abby Sciuto: Chicken.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, it's not an uncommon substance to find at a voodoo ritual.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah or at a KFC.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Agent Afloat (#6.2)" (2008)

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So, let me guess. You guys caught a bad case of "DiNozzo-itis", had Vance send you down south?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: "DiNozzo-itis". Sounds venereal.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: This is where you have been for the last month?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. It's just like the squad room, only I'm the squad and there's no room.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Knockout (#6.18)" (2009)

NCIS Director Leon Vance: What do you say, David? Want to go a few rounds?
Officer Ziva David: I think that would violate my primary assignment.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Only if you managed to lay a glove on me.
Issac Curtis: Excuse me, darling, but this gym ain't co-ed.
Officer Ziva David: Another time.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Just say when.

Officer Ziva David: You can't make an omelet without breaking some legs.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're never making me breakfast.
Officer Ziva David: That is the truth.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Legend: Part 1 (#6.22)" (2009)

Officer Ziva David: OSP?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Office of Special Projects. NCIS undercover. Surveillance.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Supercool toys.

Mossad Officer Michael Rivkin: Your father sends his love.
Officer Ziva David: What else does my father send?
Mossad Officer Michael Rivkin: [Puts his hand on Ziva's hand] Me.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Legend: Part 2 (#6.23)" (2009)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Are we fighting?
Officer Ziva David: If we were, you would be on the floor. Bleeding.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Okay, I accept that as a likely outcome. So you're just annoyed with me?

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Trojan Horse (#4.23)" (2007)

Officer Ziva David: You're comparing me to your mother?
Joe Kelly: Just around the eyes. Maybe the mouth.
Officer Ziva David: [to Gibbs] PERMISSION TO SHOOT!

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: The Voyeur's Web (#3.6)" (2005)

DiNozzo: [about to enter and arrest a suspected murderer] Just stay behind me and follow my lead.
Special Agent Ziva David: I'm not a probie, Tony. I have been in a few of these situations.
DiNozzo: Not with me.
Special Agent Ziva David: So? I have not had sex with you either. Would that make me a virgin?

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: The Ex-File (#5.3)" (2007)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [watching Colonel Mann interviewing Stephanie] Who do you think is prettier: Ex-wife #3 or future ex-wife #4?
Officer Ziva David: Colonel Mann is at a disadvantage because of the uniform... Tell me you're *not* trying to imagine her *without* the uniform, Tony!

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Bury Your Dead (#5.1)" (2007)

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Have you ever lied to someone you love?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: [after a brief pause] Yes.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Did they ever forgive you?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: They never found out.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Friends & Lovers (#4.15)" (2007)

Metro Police Detective John Carson: [Gibbs and Morris have entered the elevator] Should we call the paramedics?
Officer Ziva David: No need. If they fight, it'll be to the death.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Angel of Death (#4.24)" (2007)

Officer Ziva David: You can beat a polygraph.
Abby Sciuto: No you can't!
Officer Ziva David: I've done it, Abby. It's part of Mossad training. All you have to do is...
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Oi. Hello! If it's unethical I can't hear it.
Officer Ziva David: WELL DON'T LISTEN!
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: [puts fingers in ears] la la la la la go ahead la la la la

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Iceman (#4.18)" (2007)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Look who's finally here.
Officer Ziva David: Like you've never been late, left early or gone mysteriously missing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's my point exacly. Tardiness is my middle name. In fact, it's expected of me. You, on the other hand, have become the poster girl for punctuality.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Requiem (#5.7)" (2007)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Think she's alive?
Officer Ziva David: After what they did to Haas, maybe it would be best if she was not.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Witch Hunt (#4.6)" (2006)

[Ziva tries on the hat from McGee's Halloween costume, while DiNozzo tries on the gloves]
Ziva David: I instantly felt all the respect leave my body as soon as I put this on.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Lost and Found (#5.9)" (2007)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [stepping into elevator] Well, looks like it's just you and me, David. Nothing like a long, relaxing road trip.
[jingles vehicle keys in front of her]
Officer Ziva David: [snatches vehicle keys out of DiNozzo's hand] I'm driving.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm dead.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Sharif Returns (#4.13)" (2007)

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva, you and Tony...
Officer Ziva David: [interrupting] run down a list of the Major's deliveries starting with the most recent.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And find out...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [inturrupting] If any of them were BZ gas. On it boss.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Do they always finish your sentences for you?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I teach them to anticipate.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Well they do it well. You must be a good teacher.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, thank you, thank you very much.

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: In the Dark (#4.22)" (2007)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Before you give me advice on dating, there's something I need to get out my system first, okay?
[slight pause, then starts laughing]
Officer Ziva David: Stop laughing, or I *will* have to hurt you!

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Twisted Sister (#4.9)" (2006)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [reading from McGee's book] "Lisa's eyes reminded him of emeralds..."
Officer Ziva David: [touched] Oh...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "... flawed only by the icicles in her heart."
Officer Ziva David: [grabs the book] He's dead!
[reading]
Officer Ziva David: "In the field, Agent Tommy is a dogged pursuer of dirtbags!"
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah.
Officer Ziva David: [slight chuckle] ... and any skirt over the age of 18."
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Sarah McGee] Your brother's dead!

---

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Honor Code (#3.7)" (2005)

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Commander Tanner's been gone for 47 hours.
Ziva David: If he's not dead, he soon will be.
Timothy McGee: Maybe we can convince her to change her mind about the lawyer?
Ziva David: Oh I can convince far *more* than that.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How long?
Ziva David: Not long.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs starts to walk out. Stops] McGee you thirsty? Come on, I'll get you a cup of coffee.
[McGee and Gibbs leave the room, and close the door]
Timothy McGee: [outside] Boss, what exactly is Ziva doing in there?
[Gibbs stares at him]
Timothy McGee: I don't want to know.
[Gibbs shakes his head]
Timothy McGee: Okay.

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