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Abby Sciuto (Character)
from "Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service" (2003)

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"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Bloodbath (#3.21)" (2006)

Abby Sciuto: [after the van door opens, the would-be-kidnapper falls to ground] Be with you in a minute, Gibbs! And don't look up my skirt!
[presses her taser, the kidnapper gets shocked]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We're not so sure it was an accident, Abs.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not sure, meaning what?
Officer Ziva David: We think whoever set up the crime scene might be after Abby.
Abby Sciuto: [chuckles] Me? Who'd want to kill *me*? I mean, Tony I understand, but...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey!

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I don't want you to be alone tonight, Abs. You're going with McGee!
Abby Sciuto: Great! Like I haven't been traumatized enough today.

Abby Sciuto: What self-respecting drug dealer cuts his cocaine with potassium cyanide?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Obviously, one who doesn't care about repeat business.

Abby Sciuto: I dated him last year and things just got a little out of hand.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Did I mention the restraining order?
Abby Sciuto: Ok it was lot out of hand.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why didn't you come to me, Abby?
Abby Sciuto: Because, Gibbs, I wanted him restrained. Not beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat.

Abby Sciuto: The Lunar Effect is a myth. There is no statistical correlation between phases of the moon and human behavior. That's why it would never work between us.
Officer Ziva David: Because the Lunar Effect is a myth?
Abby Sciuto: No, because I'm a scientist and he plays with voodoo dolls.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But you play with voodoo dolls, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: I mean it metaphorically McGee.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Do you want to use it or not?
Abby Sciuto: An anonymous tooth brush? I'd rather remove my own tonsils with typhoid Mary's straight razor.

Abby Sciuto: [showing him her stun gun] Ziva gave me this. Cynthia gave me the pepper spray. The knuckles are Director Shepherd's.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No one is going to hurt you, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: You're just saying that to make me feel better.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did it?
Abby Sciuto: Yeah, can you say it again.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nobody's gonna hurt you, Abs.
[puts his arm around her]
Abby Sciuto: Can I stay at NCIS until you find him?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Mm-hm. I'll move you're whole lab into the elevator if it will make you feel better.

Mikel Mawher: I know we got off on the wrong foot.
Abby Sciuto: The wrong foot? The only right foot, is my foot up your ass!

Abby Sciuto: [in Gibbs' basement] Nothing like a dungeon like basement to quiet the nerves.

Abby Sciuto: [drunk] I don't know why people drink alcohol when they're depressed, because alcohol is a depressant. Now I'm still 'pressed... and I'm nauseous.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Dog Tags (#5.13)" (2008)

Abby Sciuto: [Abby's playing loud music and has locked herself in her office] I can't hear you McGee!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: If you can't hear me, why'd you answer?

Abby Sciuto: You've been looking for a dog, Timmy.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, that dog tasted my blood, and I think he *liked* it!

Abby Sciuto: Dogs *don't* kill people. *People* kill people!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: People with dogs that kill people, kill people!

Abby Sciuto: Good dog...
[turns to McGee]
Abby Sciuto: *bad* McGee!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why would I give flowers to a dog that attacked me?
Abby Sciuto: Um, maybe because dog is man's best friend. Or maybe because I'm a forensic scientist and I could boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace.

Abby Sciuto: [to a dog] Who's a good Jethro?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering the room] I'm a good Jethro?
Abby Sciuto: Don't be mad. Be flattered. He's just so strong and hansom and silent, so I decided to call him Jethro.

Marine Guard: [Abby pulls up to the gate with a dog beside her] Can I help you?
Abby Sciuto: I'm looking for fleas.
Marine Guard: Fleas?

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, don't make a scene.
Abby Sciuto: Too late, McGee! I am in *full* scene mode!

Abby Sciuto: All right I know I shouldn't have taken him without authorization. But time was off the essence. And besides Jethro may have uncovered an important clue!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or maybe it's another one of his victims and he's confessing.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or maybe it's his lunch.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Only if he's a cannibal, Jethro.
[the dog barks]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [to the dog] I wasn't talking to you.

Abby Sciuto: Who would shoot this cute little dog?
[starts petting the dog]
Abby Sciuto: You're okay. You...
[stops suddenly rises and turns angrily to McGee]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It was self defense. It was self defense!
Abby Sciuto: You *shot* that cute little dog!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: The Truth Is Out There (#1.17)" (2004)

Abby Sciuto: So, what about you, Gibbs? You got any fetishes?
Gibbs: I have three ex-wives. I don't have time for fetishes.

Abby Sciuto: Latex is, um, very popular in, uh, certain... circles.
Gibbs: Yeah? What kind of circles?
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, I dunno if you're ready for this. It might upset your delicate sensibilities.
Gibbs: Oh, I'll stop you.
Abby Sciuto: Okay... maybe he was wearing a latex hood, like bondage gear, S&M fetish. I dated this guy once who just wanted me to bounce up and down on a balloon -...
Gibbs: Okay, you can stop.
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, that is no weirder than a three hundred and fifty pound guy with half his body painted yellow and the other painted green, wearing nothing but shorts in ten degree weather and a big plastic piece of cheese on his head saying "Go Packers!"
Gibbs: Abs, it's apples and oranges.
Abby Sciuto: There's a fetish for that, too.

Abby Sciuto: The car that hit Gordon was definitely a Taurus.
Gibbs: You're positive?
Abby Sciuto: Absolutely... unless it was a Mercury Sable.

Abby Sciuto: I dunno. Guys have all kinds of strange rituals before they go out. This one guy, he does a full upper body workout just seconds before his date so he can be all pumped.
[pause]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Does Tony know that you know?
Abby Sciuto: Does Tony know that YOU know?

Abby Sciuto: It's gray latex.
Gibbs: Rubber?
Abby Sciuto: One and the same.
Gibbs: Probably couldn't be used as a hat.
Abby Sciuto: Yeah, well, not if you grew up in Dorkville.
Gibbs: Grew up just west of there.

Abby Sciuto: This program rocks. It includes vall, fall, yacht, tip over, rollover, combined speed, linear momentum...
Gibbs: Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, c'mon, Gibbs. You know you love it when I talk tech.

[Ducky always goes off on a tangent]
Abby Sciuto: I had this boyfriend once - not the balloon guy - but this one was like a computer genius. He put together a database of databases. I mean, it seems obvious in retrospect, like the pet rock...
Gibbs: Abby?
Abby Sciuto: Yes?
Gibbs: You're spending too much time talking to Ducky.

Gibbs: We gonna jump through any legal hoops?
Abby Sciuto: Oh, that's kind of a gray area.
Gibbs: How gray?
Abby Sciuto: Charcoal.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Model Behavior (#3.11)" (2005)

Special Agent Timothy McGee: I could not imagine a worse way to go.
Abby Sciuto: I could.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She planted herself on a barbed wire fence. What could possibly be worse?
Abby Sciuto: My top three are: falling in a wood chipper, drowning in lava, and being eaten by a shark.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, Abs, got some good news for you. i just talked to the director and your new assistant starts Monday.
Abby Sciuto: No, Gibbs! No. I can't go through that again. That-
[realizes Gibbs is joking]
Abby Sciuto: That is so not funny!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No?
Abby Sciuto: No.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It was to me, kind of.

Abby Sciuto: It's kinda fun. It reminds me of Bill Nye.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who?
Abby Sciuto: Bill Nye, the Science Guy. Wacky scientist with a kid's show?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, it's like Mr. Wizard.
Abby Sciuto: Who?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never mind.

Abby Sciuto: [holding a vase of black roses] They're for you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: They're really black. Really, really black.
Abby Sciuto: It's pretty cool, huh?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah.
[reads the card]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Get well soon?
Abby Sciuto: They didn't have a card that said "Sorry I almost sent you to prison" at the flower shop.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know what to say. Abby, these...
Abby Sciuto: Just say that you don't hate me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I could never hate you. I don't think anyone could hate you.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, you don't know Billy Bob.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You gave him black roses?
Abby Sciuto: No. I gave him two black eyes. He tried to fun me over with a Harley Fat Boy when I was sleeping in the living room.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: A guy rode a motorcycle through your living room?
Abby Sciuto: Yeah. No. Well it was his living room. My Harley. Billy Bob had, um, intimacy issues.

Abby Sciuto: [handing him black roses] Don't forget to water them, or they'll die.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I thought they already were dead.

Abby Sciuto: Two things I know. One, I like cream filling. And two, this was her last meal. I think we're looking at death by Klowny Kake.

Abby Sciuto: [about Bill Nye the Science Guy] Wacky scientist with a kid's show?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, like Mr. Wizard
Abby Sciuto: Who?

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Toxic (#6.21)" (2009)

Abby Sciuto: Oh, I got Palmer's text about the vampire bite. I can't believe I'm not going to be there for that. Who are you getting to fill in?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Working on it.
Abby Sciuto: Well, if you need anything before then, I keep a step-by-step Abby's Lab for Dummies in my desk. It covers the basics. A monkey could follow the instructions.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Watching DiNozzo using his backscratcher] Good. Cause we got one of those.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to McGee] Aw knucklehead. You're lucky Abby's not here, Hopkins.
Abby Sciuto: [From behind on a video link] Why is McGee luck I'm not there? And who is Hopkins?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Nodding to McGee] He'll clean it up.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We'll clean it up.
Jimmy Palmer: They'll clean it up.
Abby Sciuto: You'll *all* clean it up!

Abby Sciuto: [Entering] Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Rising] Abby. Abs, are you okay?
Abby Sciuto: Do I look okay? What is Abby's rule #1? Do not lie to Abby!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Didn't build it to kill someone.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: ...He built it to sell it.
Abby Sciuto: Perfect. Hi I'm Abby Sciuto. International Bioweapons dealer.

Abby Sciuto: Aren't you going to give me a pep talk?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
Abby Sciuto: Why?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Because you're pissed. And you should be.

Abby Sciuto: So you lied!
Mr. Jones: And I didn't lose a bit of sleep. Is that a problem?
Abby Sciuto: No. Not at all. Lie to me again. It was awesome.
[Starts to leave]
Abby Sciuto: Nice knowing you.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Minimum Security (#1.8)" (2003)

Abby Sciuto: Perfume is expensive, Gibbs. I can't just hang out at the Macy's tester tray with my lab kit. They frown on that sort of behavior.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Buy what you need to, Abby, we'll deal with it later.
Abby Sciuto: Bold, Gibbs. Bold.

Abby Sciuto: Perfume is the most powerful accessory a woman can wear.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, well, how much did all this power cost us?
Abby Sciuto: Around fifteen hundred.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Fifteen hundred dollars?
Abby Sciuto: Well, not including the tax. I stuck to the thirty most popular scents hoping we'd get lucky.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ah, how fiscally responsible, Ab.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't see Chanel No. 5.
Abby Sciuto: Does anyone wear that anymore?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: My mother does.
Abby Sciuto: Really.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ever since Marilyn Monroe confessed that Chanel No. 5 was all she wore to bed.
Abby Sciuto: So... does your mother...
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Unfortunately, yes. Makes for terribly awkward slumber parties.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [re: images Abby's viewing] This isn't yours, I hope.
Abby Sciuto: No. It's off Sa'id's harddrive. SOMETHING's wrong! The files are too big.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [slight chuckle] Not just the files.

Special Agent Leory Jethro Gibbs: [speaking of Easter Eggs] They were hidden in the porn?
Abby Sciuto: My cursor has moved across places that would make Tony blush.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Try and brand the cologne.
Abby Sciuto: Why, you want some?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope, don't use cologne. Women I date think the smell of sawdust is sexy. That's probably why I don't... date many women.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Hide and Seek (#6.19)" (2009)

Abby Sciuto: [Looking at some maggots recovered from a dead body] Aren't they just the cutest things?

Abby Sciuto: Gear up!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're not Gibbs.
Abby Sciuto: There's a gun found Navy Base Housing.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, that doesn't warrant a team call out. A. There are thousands of guns on a Navy Base.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: B. You're not Gibbs.

Abby Sciuto: And it was recently fired.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison, NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It does not warrant a call out.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] You heard the lady, Gear up!
[the team starts to leave]
Abby Sciuto: They only listen to their master, Gibbs. Only you can crack the whip.
[Hands Gibbs a cup of coffee]
Abby Sciuto: Only you can drink this swill.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Somehow the gun got out of evidence, and into the hands of 12 year old.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who held the evidence?
Abby Sciuto: ...We did. It was an NCIS case.

Abby Sciuto: [Imitating Gibbs] Ziva, pull case files from Norfolk PD. Find out who bought that gun.
[Ziva snickers]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You heard her.
[Ziva looks at Gibbs, then at Abby and goes to her desk]
Abby Sciuto: I could get used to this.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as he passes her] Don't.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Something on fire?
Abby Sciuto: No. I'm just burning sage to take the hex off the gun. It's got some bad mojo. And I want to get rid of it before the babies are born.
[Abby sighs]
Abby Sciuto: It's an evil gun, Gibbs. This gun... kills people.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abs...
Abby Sciuto: I know what you're going to say, guns don't kill people, people kill people. But this gun kills people!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Silent Night (#6.11)" (2008)

Abby Sciuto: I like everything about Christmas. Except the Chipmunk Song. And shopping - I hate shopping. I never know what to get anyone - especially Gibbs. What do you get a guy who has nothing and wants nothing?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Some squeaky shoes.

Abby Sciuto: I don't know what to get anybody. What do you think Tony needs?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: An attitude adjustment.
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, you're not helping.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: You asked for it. Better work fast. You only have a day.
[leaves]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Merry Christmas.
Abby Sciuto: [Abby enters] Hey guys, what's up?
NCIS Director Leon Vance: I hope no one has plans.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [speaking of Quinn's daughter] How'd she know we found him?
Abby Sciuto: Well she might've figured it out when I called her, and told her.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You might've redeemed yourself Abby.
Abby Sciuto: What'd I do?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Called Quinn's daughter.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Bounce (#6.16)" (2009)

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You got something?
Abby Sciuto: I had something four minutes ago!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why didn't you call?
Abby Sciuto: That's not how it works. When I find something Gibbs immediately walks through the door. Have you forgotten all your training?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I remembered your Kaff Pow.
Abby Sciuto: Horse shoes and hand grenades, DiNozzo.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey! Talk to me Abs. Here you go.
[hands her a Caf Pow]
Abby Sciuto: Thank you, Gibbs.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Abby.
Abby Sciuto: I was just examining the evidence from the murder scene, Gibbs.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Abby.
Abby Sciuto: The room was luckily really clean. Because you know hotel rooms can be a forensic scientist's biggest nightmare, Gibbs.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Abby! I'm not Gibbs.
Abby Sciuto: Yes you are. Because if you're not there's a problem. And after Sister Rosita sprained her ankle in the 6th frame and Mr. Giggles escaping...
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Mr. Giggles?
Abby Sciuto: Stay on topic, Gibbs.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm not Gibbs!
Abby Sciuto: Ok. Tell me. I can take it.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's just upstairs.
Abby Sciuto: Wait! No I can't.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Rule 38.
Abby Sciuto: [happily] Oh!

Abby Sciuto: I am cooking up some awesomeness.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Awesome me!

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's our missing murder weapon.
Abby Sciuto: It's our messy murder weapon. Which is weird because most killers rinse before they repeat.

[walking in on Gibbs and Tony standing nose to nose]
Abby Sciuto: I hope I'm not interrupting something. Or if I am, someone will tell me about it later.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Light Sleeper (#3.14)" (2006)

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not exactly groundbreaking police work there.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [smacks the back of McGee's head] She's not done yet.
Abby Sciuto: Thank you, Gibbs.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tell me I didn't just smack McGee for no good reason.
Abby Sciuto: You didn't just smack McGee for no good reason.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Abby punches his arm] What was that for?
Abby Sciuto: For mocking my groundbreaking police work.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I wasn't mocking your -
[Abby makes a fist]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It won't happen again.

Abby Sciuto: [examining a "short and wimpy" bullet] I guess you don't need a lot of stopping power when you're gunning down housewives.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What about gunshot residue?
Abby Sciuto: The instant shooter kit came back negative on Porter's skin, shirt, and pants.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Could've worn gloves...
Abby Sciuto: Or he could've changed his clothes. I'm way ahead of you, Gibbs. That's why I'm doing a full analysis on all of Porter's wardrobe.
Abby Sciuto: [as Gibbs] How long, Abby?
Abby Sciuto: [as herself] Well it's gonna take some time. And since this stuff doesn't smell very good, I don't think laundry was a priority.
Abby Sciuto: [as Gibbs] Abs!
Abby Sciuto: [as herself] Um, two hours. Whenever I know something, you'll know something.
Abby Sciuto: [as Gibbs] You got one. anything else?
Abby Sciuto: [as herself] Yes as a matter of fact. This is for you.
[hands Gibbs a coffee]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why?
Abby Sciuto: For getting me out of sensitivity training. We were about to do trust falls and those guys in administration have wandering hands.
Abby Sciuto: [as Gibbs] Just give me their names, Abs, and I'll break 'em for you.
Abby Sciuto: [as herself] I know you will, Gibbs. And that is why I love you.
[Gibbs gives her a peck on the cheek]

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Heart Break (#2.8)" (2004)

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I thought I'd show her something that revealed who I am. If she gets turned on, we haven't wasted our time.
Abby Sciuto: You're the man, Ducky... Why can't I find a man like you?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, if this doesn't work out, I *am* available.

Jimmy Palmer: [as he's putting the body away] I have to lock you up for the night, Commander.
Abby Sciuto: [lowering her voice] No don't put me back in the dark!
Jimmy Palmer: [turning around] *Abby*! You made me almost... I...
Abby Sciuto: Made you almost what,
[lowering her voice again]
Abby Sciuto: Jimmy?
Jimmy Palmer: You know what.

Abby Sciuto: And the spectrometer found minute traces of antimony sulfide and potassium chlorate on both.
Timothy McGee: Matches.
Abby Sciuto: Light my fire, McGee!

Abby Sciuto: Stop playing with my equipment!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wow, I haven't had a woman say that to me in a long time.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Split Decision (#1.21)" (2004)

Abby Sciuto: Even though the drive was reformatted, all the information it contained is still here. It's just a matter of Humpty-Dumptying it.
DiNozzo: I thought they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: That's because the king only had horses and *men*.
[Abby snickers]

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Abby, I'm surprised. I had you pegged for more the anarchist type.
Abby Sciuto: Actually, I used to be an anarchist.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What happened?
Abby Sciuto: Too many rules.

Abby Sciuto: Don't be silly, ATF lady.

Abby Sciuto: It's not like they have any new ideas. It's just so...
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: The song remains the same?
Abby Sciuto: Exactly. And bonus points for the gratuitous rock reference.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Dead Reckoning (#6.20)" (2009)

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Dashboard navigation systems from both vehicles in the park. Tracking where Siravo's men have been, see if there was any common location.
Abby Sciuto: You mean other than where they died?

Abby Sciuto: [discussing what is on a suspect's laptop] He was a killer gamer though! And he plays a boat load of sims.
[looks at Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Translation video games. The rest is mostly spreadsheets, bank accounts, and porn. Spreadsheets and porn, that's two totally different things.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, I already know that.
Abby Sciuto: Ok, I was just checking.

Abby Sciuto: This is Kaf-Pow country but yet there's no Kaf-Pow anywhere.

Abby Sciuto: [looking at a video game] Captains of Industry 3. The completely unnecessary third installment of the not so popular sequel.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [sarcastically] Capturing all the fun of being a corporate CEO and building your own business empire.
Abby Sciuto: Not playtime, Elf Lord.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: You got that right. COI3 was universally panned as '08's worst MMORPG.
Abby Sciuto: It sucks! So why was Perry spending up to 7 hours a day playing it online.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: He sucks.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Lt. Jane Doe (#2.4)" (2004)

Timothy McGee: If I said that to Gibbs, I would be seeing stars.
Abby Sciuto: Well *that's* the advantage of being *me*!

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Come here. Abs, you'll need Ducky's help.
Abby Sciuto: No I won't!
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs nods in Ducky's direction. Ducky looks pitifully at the screen pics of the two victims] Abs.
Abby Sciuto: Yes I will.

Abby Sciuto: [to Gibbs] Ducky! He's barking up my heels like a dog with mange...
Abby Sciuto: [as Gibbs leaves] ... And he's *so* grouchy, he'll give *you* a run for your money!

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to McGee who is under Abby's feet at a computer] Special Agent Goodwrench?
Abby Sciuto: [chuckles] McGee is rewiring my Hot Box.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Truth or Consequences (#7.1)" (2009)

Abby Sciuto: And no one's telling us anything. So we have two options.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And they're both illegal.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Hack into Mossad...
Abby Sciuto: Or hack into Vance.
Captain Rebecca 'Becky' Hastings, USAF: Oh, that's it! I'm outta here! I'm done!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: So much for the daredevil.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Forgot about her.
Abby Sciuto: Whatever... let's get hackin'!

Abby Sciuto: We've isolated the needle in the haystack. An analmoly, one specific characteristic.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Brand name import. Not easily available in Europe or Africa.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Got all the way from the United States, at high cost, high difficulty.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: What are we talking about?
Abby Sciuto: [Abby holds up her Caf-Pow] Ta-Da!

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after hearing that Ziva's ship sunk with no survivors] After that business as usual lost all meaning.
[everything becomes blurred and each character is seen from Tony's perspective]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Blah, blah, blah. Computer stuff. Blah.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [drops file on Tony's desk] Autopsy report
Abby Sciuto: Words! There's so many words! And there's thinks and-and stuff and emotions. Thanks for listening.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Got a dead marine. Grab your gear... Got a missing kid. Grab your gear... Some idiot smuggled a koala on a submarine. Grab your gear... Grab your gear. Grab your gear. Grab your gear.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No!

Abby Sciuto: I've been trying to contact Ziva in ever way possible!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Psychics, telepathy, or crystal balls?

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Murder 2.0 (#6.6)" (2008)

Abby Sciuto: Oh my God. That poster is right outside my lab. He was here. He walked right by my lab!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, this isn't a flash code. It's h dot six two four.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hey McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, this isn't a video. It's streaming live. He's outside Abby's lab!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [after McGee falls down in Abby's lab] Again with the Krazy Glue?
Abby Sciuto: Consider yourself lucky. It was either that or hydrochloric acid!

Abby Sciuto: I have two questions: This video it's different than the others. Why?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Okay. What's the other question?
Abby Sciuto: Can I stay with you tonight?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: If we turn them both on.
Abby Sciuto: We can triangulate back on the killer.
[Turns and faces Gibbs]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: ...Or you could just stand there looking at me.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Cloak (#6.8)" (2008)

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I hit my face on your door.
Abby Sciuto: Why'd you do that?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't know, because the door's locked? That door's *never* locked. It's rarely been closed.

Abby Sciuto: You *lost* a body?
Jimmy Palmer: I didn't lose him. No! He was - stolen, and that's not even the weirdest part. We showed up at the crime scene and there he was. I think Gibbs had something to do with it. And - and Dr. Mallard looks like he wants to kill someone. I don't want it to be me. So
[tries to move past Abby]
Jimmy Palmer: I'm going...
Abby Sciuto: You *cannot* hide here!
[shoves him out of her lab]
Jimmy Palmer: Please!
Abby Sciuto: No!

Abby Sciuto: Stop interogatting me, McGee!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Stop acting weird!
Abby Sciuto: I *am* weird!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Wonder what they're doing up there?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Does the Navy still hang people?
Abby Sciuto: [Abby stiffens up] Tony!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well it is treason, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: McGee.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What else can they do? There's no way she walks out of here.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: No way.
[Abby clears her throat. Everyone watches Agent Lee walk past them]
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Good night everyone.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Head Case (#3.15)" (2006)

Abby Sciuto: We found traces of blood on three of the knives we got from Martin Boussard's room.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: And all three came back the same type.
Officer Ziva David: Captain Wayne's?
Abby Sciuto: Nope.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard, Abby Sciuto: Chicken.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, it's not an uncommon substance to find at a voodoo ritual.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah or at a KFC.

Abby Sciuto: I found calcium which is present in human bones, but no phosphorus.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Which means?
Abby Sciuto: There really is no foreplay with you, is there, Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What, you been talking to my ex-wives again?

Abby Sciuto: I ran the fingerprints from the Mercedes, the cooler in the back of the car, and Martin Boussard's room. They're all the same and they're all his.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boussard stole the Mercedes?
Abby Sciuto: Either that or he just really likes to touch stuff.

Abby Sciuto: Lay some tissue samples on me, Duckman.
[Ducky gestures for Palmer to do it]
Jimmy Palmer: So, light meat or dark?
[Abby give his a look]
Jimmy Palmer: Inappropriate?
Abby Sciuto: With a big dash of creepy, Jimmy.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: The Inside Man (#7.3)" (2009)

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Have you ever heard of an agent having to retake their test?
Abby Sciuto: [Abby sighs] Special Agent Krischner.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Kirschner?
Abby Sciuto: Yeah. He was gone before you got here. He was, um, he was let go.

Abby Sciuto: I only take orders from one person: Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Unless he asks me to do it, it doesn't get done!
Metro Detective Danny Sportelli: I think that's going to change, honey.
Abby Sciuto: [Gibbs enters. Abbey rushes to him] Gibbs! Make this awful man go away.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It never made sense to me, to spend a fortune on something that's going to be viewed for a couple hours then stuck in the ground to rot.
Abby Sciuto: Mine has, and will continue to provide me with hours of restful sleep and pleasure.

Abby Sciuto: [DiNozzo and McGee enter the lab] You're out!
[to Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Did you know?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Director handled it. Way above my paygrade. Don't get too comfortable boy. We've got a search team to organize.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: The Good Samaritan (#1.14)" (2004)

Abby Sciuto: Ooh! Gibbs! Didn't your Momma teach you not to sneak up on people?
Gibbs: Obviously not.

Gibbs: Got your 911, Abs. What's up?
Abby Sciuto: Ready to have your world rocked again?
Gibbs: I'm barely over the first time.

Abby Sciuto: You can't rush science, Gibbs! You can yell at it and scream at it, but you can't rush it.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did you run it through...
Abby Sciuto: Run it through AFIS?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Feisty and psychic.
Abby Sciuto: It's a killer combination.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Broken Bird (#6.13)" (2009)

Abby Sciuto: Want to talk knives?
Officer Ziva David: Always.

Abby Sciuto: If I keep going to Crazytown every time one of you gets hurt, I'm going to have to have my mail forwarded.

Jimmy Palmer: You are very um... calm.
Abby Sciuto: I am. If I keep going to Crazy Town every time one of you gets hurt, I'm going to have to get my mail forwarded.

Abby Sciuto: [after seeing Ducky] Okay, he's zonked out of his gourd and he's still playing with words. Impressive.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Caged (#6.12)" (2009)

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [after getting a call] Maryland's Women's Prison! Let's go.
Abby Sciuto: Wait! That's where McGee is.
[Steps in front of Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Is everything okay?
[Gibbs stares at her]
Abby Sciuto: Everything's not okay.
[Gibbs moves past her]
Abby Sciuto: Wait! What happened? Gibbs!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs goes back to Abby] Abby, I'll call you. All right?

Abby Sciuto: I can't take this. Everyday you guys go out and I never know if you're going to make it back. I mean it's killing me! I can't sleep at night. I'm developing some sort of weird twitch.
Officer Ziva David: Our work is sometimes dangerous, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Then get a *safer* job!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then you wouldn't see us at all.
Abby Sciuto: True. Still... sucks!

Abby Sciuto: [to Gibbs] Oh by the way, if they ask you at the prison, I'm your boss.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Talking to his mechanic] Listen up, because this is what you're going to do. You're going to take the first estimate and take 10% off. Then you're going to find my part, install the part, and have my car parked out front ready for me when I walk out of this building in 32 minutes.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wow. Who would've guessed that McGee would grow a pair in women's prison.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [on the phone] I put away killers for a living. That's what I do. Now you do exactly what I told you, and we won't have any problems. Understood?... Good. Clock's ticking.
[hangs up]
Abby Sciuto: Wow, McGee. You're time in the big house really changed you. I *like* it!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Frame Up (#3.9)" (2005)

Abby Sciuto: And don't worry Tony, the chances of even one of your teeth matching are like 100,000 to one.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do it, Abby.
[the program matches all of Tony's teeth to the bite marks]

Abby Sciuto: Because if this goes to court, with his finger print and his bite mark on the leg, Tony's gonna go to prison for the rest of his life. And *I'll* be the one to put him there.

[last lines]
Abby Sciuto: [pointing to Chip who's hog-tied after trying to attack her] *Now* can I work alone?

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: SWAK (#2.22)" (2005)

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [looking at a monitor of autopsy] I can't belive Gibbs broke protocol!
Abby Sciuto: [slight chuckle] No he didn't.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: But he left autopsy.
Abby Sciuto: But not isolation.
[Gibbs and McGee enter wearing biohazard suits]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I need you to check the video from 1130 when I left to 0530 when McGee arrived
Abby Sciuto: You need to get a life, Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Last thing I need is another wife!
Abby Sciuto: [speaking louder so he can hear through the bio suit] Life, Gibbs. You need to get a life.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good thinking Abby.
Abby Sciuto: [pretending she can't hear] What?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good thinking!
Abby Sciuto: I don't know Gibbs, I can't hear you through the...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I SAID NICE THINKING!
[signs something]
Abby Sciuto: Not nice Gibbs. Not nice.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: About Face (#5.17)" (2008)

Abby Sciuto: One time I got my lip stuck in a vacuum cleaner display in a department store. I lost like a quart of saliva before my cousin pulled the plug. Still have nightmares about it. Can't be alone with Apa-Filter.
Jimmy Palmer: How old were you?
Abby Sciuto: 22. It was like Fat Tuesday or Arbor Day.

Jimmy Palmer: You have captured his essence pefectly. His... anger. His intent. Uh, his bloodlust.
Abby Sciuto: His likeness? It's his likeness. That's kind of the point here. You know what? Let's just start over. Okay, he was a white guy, right?

Abby Sciuto: Jimmy, you chased a crazy guy with a gun. You're a... stud muffin. You're an iron fist in a velvet glove. You're Baby Gibbs.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: The Ex-File (#5.3)" (2007)

D.I. Agent Fred Rinnert: You have to go up to go down, right?
[pushes the elevator button]
Abby Sciuto: Can I hit him now, Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.

D.I. Agent Fred Rinnert: [after the data has been deleted] Abby, I'm hurt that you think that I'd do this.
Abby Sciuto: Can I hit him, Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Block him out. "He's not there", say it.
Abby Sciuto: He's not there.
[see Rinnert standing in her lab]
Abby Sciuto: He's still there.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Close your eyes. Open them and imagine him gone.
Abby Sciuto: [closes her eyes. Opens them] Didn't work!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [moving behind her] Try it again.
Abby Sciuto: [closing her eyes] He's not there. He's not there.
[opens her eyes]
Abby Sciuto: Still not working, McGee.
[sound of a door opening/closing]
Abby Sciuto: McGee?

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: See No Evil (#2.1)" (2004)

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Next thing I want you to do is hack into Watson's computer. It's the only link we have to the kidnapper.
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, we are talking about the Pentagon here. Even their encryptions have encryptions.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You inside his computer yet?
Abby Sciuto: Oh, um, I... I think, um...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Need help?
Abby Sciuto: Yeah.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: All you had to do was ask. One of the smartest people I know told me that once.
Abby Sciuto: Who?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You.

[Abby's computer overheats and crashes]
Abby Sciuto: No, no, no, no! No! No! Aahh! My baby just french-fried!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Chained (#2.10)" (2004)

Agent Caitlin Todd: Oh!
Abby Sciuto: Are you all right?
Agent Caitlin Todd: Gibbs is driving.
Abby Sciuto: I'm saying a prayer in many languages.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You got him?
Abby Sciuto: Are you honestly asking me that?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No Abs. I called to flirt.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [on phone to Abby] Put McGee on.
Abby Sciuto: [to McGee] He wants you.
Timothy McGee: How'd he know I was here?
Abby Sciuto: [putting headset on McGee] Because he's Gibbs.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Love & War (#6.14)" (2009)

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What do you got Abs?
Abby Sciuto: 1989's Christmas nightmare for every parent. The unattainable...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Beary Smyles.
Abby Sciuto: My dad waited in line two hours for one on Black Friday.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Six... Christmas Eve.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So basically you got nothing.
Abby Sciuto: I've spoiled you Gibbs. You can't get an answer every time you come down here. But next time, I *will* have something.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Next time, you'll have a Caf-Pow!

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abby...
Abby Sciuto: '72 Skylark, custom hubcaps. I already told Tony to put out a BOLO.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. I was going to say "Nice job."
[Gibbs walks away]
Abby Sciuto: Oh...
[Dejectedly]
Abby Sciuto: Obviously not nice enough.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Fridge.
[Abby looks at the fridge and notices a Caf-Pow! Abby gasps, and goes to the fridge]
Abby Sciuto: I don't know how you did that and I don't care!
[Takes a drink]
Abby Sciuto: Thank you Gibbs!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Chimera (#5.6)" (2007)

Abby Sciuto: You guys okay?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh yeah. Yeah. I'm dealing with my boat phobia. Tony's dealing with his rat phobia. And Ziva's dealing with her ghost phobia.
Abby Sciuto: So what's Gibbs dealing with?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Them!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What the hell is that noise?
Abby Sciuto: Brain Matter.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [pause] I love them.

Abby Sciuto: Now place two drops of the methalane blue on your slide.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [adds the drops] We're good.
Abby Sciuto: Of course, blood that's passed through someone's G.I. tract has a very *particular* smell...
[Tony sniffs the slide]
Abby Sciuto: But since this guy may have died from a highly contagious virus, whatever you do, *don't* inhale!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [slight pause] We're not good!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Last Man Standing (#6.1)" (2008)

Abby Sciuto: [rambling after Gibbs sneaks up on her] I need a hearing test. I'm going deaf. Am I talking loud? Because sometimes people who don't hear very well, they talk too loud. Except, sometimes, when I get water in my ears, I talk so softly that people tell me to speak up because I have that weird, you know, gurgling, swishing sound in my head. Has that ever happened to you? Why didn't I hear the elevator?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [ater Abby hands him a yellow post-it] One... two... six.
Abby Sciuto: One hundred and twenty-six. That is the number of days that Tony, McGee and Ziva have been gone. I really didn't think you'd let it get into triple-digits, Gibbs. But now it's way more. It's like a third of a whole year. I miss them.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abby, you had lunch with McGee yesterday.
Abby Sciuto: It's not the same. I miss them collectively, as a group. My three musketeers. Tim is the only one I've seen. No Tony, no Ziva. I get postcards from Tony.
[hugs Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: I want them back, Gibbs. Please get them back.
[Abby releases him and looks at him sternly]
Abby Sciuto: You have ten days. Okay, I don't want to pressure you. So twelve. But no more than two weeks.
[Gibbs smirks and walks off]
Abby Sciuto: And stop taking the stairs!
[the elevator dings and Abby smiles]

Abby Sciuto: [walking into the squad room on McGee's arm; re: Ziva coming back to NCIS] I'm so excited, McGee, I can't believe it, pinch me.
[McGee does]
Abby Sciuto: Ow.
[she socks him]

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Stakeout (#5.12)" (2008)

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Abby is spinning in circles on a stool] Abby. Abigail! What are you doing?
Abby Sciuto: I'm trying to change my spacial orientation. Help myself get a new perspective.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: How's it working?
Abby Sciuto: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [explaining his model] It's for Gibbs. You know how hard it is to explain technological stuff to him.
Abby Sciuto: Good point. It's like whenever I try to explain something sciency and his eye glaze over and he gets that "will you shut up and get to the point" look. He's behind me isn't he?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No.
[Abby spins around to confirm it]

Abby Sciuto: [of McGee's demonstration] This is so great. Even Gibbs could understand this.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Oh, he does.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Mind Games (#3.3)" (2005)

Abby Sciuto: [to McGee] You're not listening to a word I'm saying. I'm pregnant, McGee. Twins. Haven't told the father yet. It's Gibbs. I know it's wrong, but something about his silver hair gets me all tingly inside.
Tony: [Tony walks in] Excuse me for a second, I think I'm going to vomit.
Abby Sciuto: I'm joking, Tony. Except for that part about Gibbs's hair. That is really hot.

Abby Sciuto: McGee, never forget: I am one of the few people in the world who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Now all we have to do is scan 800,000 miles of satellite imagery and pray we get lucky.
Abby Sciuto: I am a scientist, McGee. Luck has nothing to do with it and/or us.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Okay, then how do you explain something like Gibbs's gut?
Abby Sciuto: Well, that's easy: Gibbs is lucky.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But... but you just said that...
Abby Sciuto: He's not a scientist.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Sharif Returns (#4.13)" (2007)

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [referring to Abby's tattoo decision] I don't think I'm the one to ask about this...
Abby Sciuto: But Gibbs. You know me better than anyone else. And when you're going to make a decision that's going to affect the rest of your life you need the person around you that knows you best for guidence. Please!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Where do you want to put the tattoo?
Abby Sciuto: ...Okay you're right you're not the one to ask.

Abby Sciuto: [to Lt Col Mann] Never question the gut.

[McGee and Abby are talking about Gibbs and Col Mann]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: So, the colonel said to Gibbs "funny how we keep meeting up like this"
Abby Sciuto: McGee, you are reading *way* too much into this!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, you were not there, and you did not see the look on his face!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Singled Out (#4.3)" (2006)

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Abby and McGee are asleep at their computers. Whispers to Abby] Your computer's on fire.
Abby Sciuto: Arrgh! McGee! My baby's french Frying!
[starts typing furiously]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [wakes and starts typing] Checking internal core temperature!
[after a few seconds Abby turns around]
Abby Sciuto: That is so not funny, Gibbs!

Abby Sciuto: Is it just me or is he acting like a...
Officer Ziva David: Snitch?
Abby Sciuto: Close enough. It must be that damn mustache.

Officer Ziva David: [They are messing around with an aging program and are in the process of deciding who they could combine next] Do Gibbs and the Director!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [In stereo with Ziva] Do Gibbs and the Director!
[Then we see the combination of the two, which to their surprise is a good one]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wow, even I'd date her.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never more than once, DiNozzo.
Abby Sciuto: Cool. You and the Director would make nice Gibblets.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Deception (#3.13)" (2006)

Abby Sciuto: Thank you, sir.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't call me sir.
Abby Sciuto: Yes, ma'am.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Damn it! I keep losing his connection in Madrid!
Abby Sciuto: Okay that's it! You need a break!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We don't have time for breaks, Abby.
[Abby pushes his chair into her office]
Abby Sciuto: We don't! But *you* do!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] How many times have I told you, he's not a toy!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: A train track?
Abby Sciuto: Yes that would be the obvious choice. But there isn't a second "thunk" or a "thack" not even a "thock" in that track.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You've been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss books?
Abby Sciuto: You know I love me some Theodore Geisel.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Legend: Part 2 (#6.23)" (2009)

Abby Sciuto: [Abby's phone is ringing] It's him. It's Tim. He knows I'm sitting at his desk.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Tell him you're in your lab. He won't know.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, he'll know. He knows everything.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Gibbs knows everything. McGenius is smart but he doesn't know everything.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Can I talk to Tony please?
Abby Sciuto: Okay.
[Abby walks to DiNozzo's desk offering her phone]
Abby Sciuto: It's for you. It's McGoo - McGee - Tim.
[Into the phone]
Abby Sciuto: Sorry McGee.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Seadog (#1.3)" (2003)

Abby Sciuto: I found traces of C-4 in that stuff you bagged on the boat.
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Thank god. They're just going to try to blow something up.
[everyone turns and looks strangely at Fornell]
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: We've been sweating terrorists hacking into our power distribution software. That could shut down half our country. C-4 indicates a hard target: a power plant, substation, distribution node, which are all under tight security. Which are about get a hell of a lot tighter.

Abby Sciuto: I ran those prints through the Beareau. I got nada.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You did not have access to the full database.
Abby Sciuto: [to Fornell] You're holding out on us! That is not nice!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Semper Fidelis (#6.24)" (2009)

Abby Sciuto: The bug stomp. Classic movie move. Sounds like a Tony.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nah. It was a Jules.
Abby Sciuto: A Jules? What is a Jules? I'm going to have a word with this Jules if we ever have the good fortune of meeting.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I'd like to be here for that.

Abby Sciuto: You probably know some kind of... martial arts or something, huh?
ICE Agent Julia Foster-Yates: When I was in High School, my mother was the ambassador to Bangkok. I fell in love with Muay Thai.
Abby Sciuto: So if I tried to scratch you eyes out... you could probably break my fingers.
ICE Agent Julia Foster-Yates: That would be a mistake. You need your fingers to fix the bug.
Abby Sciuto: [Abby walks away. Quietly to McGee] And in my own lab.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Heartland (#6.4)" (2008)

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [describing Gibbs's behavior around his father] He's like a teenager, sort of.
Tony DiNozzo: I'm coming!
[to Abby]
Tony DiNozzo: I'm going! I'm leaving!
[starts to leave]
Abby Sciuto: Me too!

Jackson Gibbs: I mean it's wonder Leroy can get any work done surrounded by such beautiful women.
Abby Sciuto: Are you always this *awkward* around girls?

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: South by Southwest (#6.17)" (2009)

Abby Sciuto: So he knew he was in jeopardy, and his last desperate act was to mail this?... He wanted this to get to me even if he didn't.
[Opens the package, and looks at the contents]
Abby Sciuto: He died getting me *this*?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You ever talk about art?... When you weren't talking about forensic evidence, what'd you talk about?
Abby Sciuto: Well that's personal Gibbs. I feel like you're interrogating me.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I am!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Switch (#3.5)" (2005)

Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, it might not be rigged with a bomb, per se. I love saying per se. It's one of those phrases no one really knows what means, but you use it anyway, 'cause... Am I off topic again?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You may be.

Abby Sciuto: Good news and bad news, Gibbs. Good news is I'm still cute. Bad news, the bomb squad got a little trigger happy.
[holds up the remains of the box]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They blew up the metal box.
Abby Sciuto: Do you have any idea what's beyond smithereens?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not a clue.
Abby Sciuto: Me neither. That's what we've got.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: In the Zone (#5.15)" (2008)

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony said that if I really want to go, then I shouldn't volunteer. But if he says that I shouldn't volunteer, then he thinks I will volunteer. Which means if I really want to go, I shouldn't volunteer.
Abby Sciuto: That's... good, Timmy. That sounds like you're doing exactly what you... shouldn't.

Abby Sciuto: Sounds like you're not doing exactly what you shouldn't.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Corporal Punishment (#5.10)" (2007)

Abby Sciuto: Tony, I'm so glad you -
[pulls back]
Abby Sciuto: smell like garbage.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah.

Abby Sciuto: These people have read way too many sci-fi comics.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Some of these experiments are more fi than sci. One of them makes people glow in the dark.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Reveille (#1.23)" (2004)

[Gibbs spent the night in his office chair]
Abby Sciuto: Would you be less grumpy if you slept in a bed?
Gibbs: No, I would not!
Abby Sciuto: I didn't think so.

[first lines]
Abby Sciuto: [to McGee, as they lean over Gibbs, asleep in his desk chair] Wake him up.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Requiem (#5.7)" (2007)

Abby Sciuto: We're going to find her, Gibbs. We're going to find her. You believe that right?... Don't answer that. Forget I asked! Just -
[hugs Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Okay I need all of you to get *out* of my lab. I have all of these samples to test, and Major Mass Spec is going to blow up in protest, if I don't blow up first.
[pause]
Abby Sciuto: Sorry. This isn't my lab. I'm going to go.
[leaves autopsy]

Abby Sciuto: It's for my cellphone. So when Gibbs calls, his face will appear, and I'll know it's him. See?
[shows McGee the pic]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...Nice... print.
[Abby looks at the photo of her thumb and groans]

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Grace Period (#4.19)" (2007)

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [walks in on Abby and McGee Hugging] I'm not even gonna ask.
Abby Sciuto: [jumps up from hug] Technically it was a squatting hug, or squg.

Abby Sciuto: What will you do then?
Ziva David: We kill them, Abby.
Anthony DiNozzo: Arrest them, Ziva. We'll arrest them.
Paula Cassidy: I prefer her way.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Left for Dead (#1.10)" (2004)

Abby Sciuto: So I suppose you want me to find out what chastity belt this opens.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do I look like DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not funny, Boss. Besides, I could open a chastity belt.
Abby Sciuto: Have you ever seen one? Mine's *awesome!* It's 18th century French.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You have a chastity belt?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So much more information than I need to know, Abby. And not enough about this key.

Abby Sciuto: Gotcha!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I love to hear that word out of your dark lips, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Hey guys. What's you'd find?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Kate willing to give her bedroom to Jane Doe. But not me.
Abby Sciuto: [mockingly] Shocking.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Road Kill (#6.10)" (2008)

Abby Sciuto: Come on, McGee. Give me something fierce. Bossman's got *mad* skills!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right... Ooo, okay Gibbs versus
[Gibbs appears behind Abby]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Gibbs!
Abby Sciuto: Oh HO! That's good. Evil twin or a clone?
[turns around notices Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs! Good timing!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Hey Boss?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yes, McGee?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [slight pause] You ever lost a fight?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not sure I even ever won one.
Abby Sciuto: [aside to McGee] Definitely a Gibbs clone.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Probie (#3.10)" (2005)

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Abby handcuffs McGee to a table] Well, where did you get these?
Abby Sciuto: [cheerfully] Never leave home without them!

[last lines]
Abby Sciuto: I ran every test I could think of. The slugs are too damaged. There's no way to tell who fired the kill shot... Does it really matter?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah... It matters.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Black Water (#2.11)" (2005)

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [referring to Abby's loud music] Your speakers are broken.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, Gibbs. That was the best part of the song.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Correction. Your ears are broken.

Abby Sciuto: The bullet's entry angle into the side of the door is as obvious as Anna Nicole's implants.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who?
Abby Sciuto: You know, married that old guy? Had a TV show? Got fat, got thin, got fat, got thin, fat, thin...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Stop.
Abby Sciuto: Right.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: The Good Wives Club (#2.2)" (2004)

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Only prints in the room were hers?
Abby Sciuto: Yeah, I'm afraid so. I found traces of cleanser on the furniture.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He's cautious.
Abby Sciuto: So am I. When I... chain guys up.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: This is going to be useful, Abby, why?
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, I know you know that I need a good windup before I deliver my knockout.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Just hit me with it, Baby.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Driven (#4.11)" (2006)

Special Agent Timothy McGee: I did it Abby. I figured out how they got in.
Abby Sciuto: [coming up from behind McGee] How did you know I was here?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...I didn't.

Abby Sciuto: [after Gibbs saves her life] Permission to hug?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You never have to ask.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: High Seas (#1.6)" (2003)

Agent Caitlin Todd: How long did Burley work here?
Abby Sciuto: Five years.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Five years with Gibbs. Amazing the guy didn't end up in a straitjacket.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What was that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ah, nothing, boss, just praising your communication skills.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abby, what did the urine tell you?
Abby Sciuto: Oh, all kinds of things, we had a great talk.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Dead Man Talking (#1.19)" (2004)

Abby Sciuto: Don't lie. Gibbs is like Santa Claus. He knows if you're lying.

[after Tony checks out Amanda]
Abby Sciuto: Isn't she a little old for you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's like my age.
Abby Sciuto: Exactly.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Terminal Leave (#2.6)" (2004)

[Gibbs spots a clue that Abby had missed]
Abby Sciuto: A reflection of whoever planted the bomb! Gibbs.
[punches him on the arm]
Abby Sciuto: You're hired.

Abby Sciuto: She sent me highly encrypted j-pegs. Public key's got 64 numbers. It took me longer to input the password than it took the program to decrypt the cyphertext.
[Gibbs looks a question]
Abby Sciuto: Umm... machine making pretty pictures now?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Aah.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Untouchable (#3.20)" (2006)

Abby Sciuto: Rough night?
Officer Ziva David: Is there any other kind with Gibbs?
Abby Sciuto: It could be worse. It could be Saturday.
Officer Ziva David: It *is* Saturday, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: See? It just got worse. Thanks.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Skeletons (#4.17)" (2007)

Abby Sciuto: [holding a wrinkled dollar bill in one hand and a candy bar in the other] Give me a dollar.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Okay, what's wrong with that one?
Abby Sciuto: The machine wouldn't take it, and I want a candy bar.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What's wrong with that candy bar?
Abby Sciuto: It has nougat in it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But you hate nougat.
Abby Sciuto: [exasperated] I know! It was a mistake, McGee! Do you have a dollar?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [taking out his wallet and looking in it] All I have are big bills.
Officer Ziva David: What is nougat?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's whipped dolphin fat.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, it's the filling in Clowny Cake.
Abby Sciuto: That is a myth! Would someone please give me a dollar!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sure, I got one.
Abby Sciuto: [taking the bill from Tony] Thanks. It's like some crime to not like nougat!
Officer Ziva David: I don't even know what nougat is!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: The Immortals (#1.4)" (2003)

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You know Abby, sometimes the dead make more sense to me than the living.
Abby Sciuto: Me, too.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Cover Story (#4.20)" (2007)

[discussing first half of McGee's second book, which Tony and Ziva have read]
Abby Sciuto: All right, let's hear it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hear what?
Abby Sciuto: The book! At the end of Deep Six, goth forensic specialist "Amy Sutton" broke up with her boyfriend because she was digging someone else. Who's the somebody else?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, no, that part didn't really come up yet.
Officer Ziva David: Yeah, I think he's planning on revealing it, uh, um, you know, in the second part of the book.
Abby Sciuto: You guys are so lying.
[gasps]
Abby Sciuto: He's gay! The somebody else. I had a feeling, because Amy always wants what Amy cannot have. Does she know?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Does who know?
Abby Sciuto: Forensic specialist Amy, she fell in love with a gay guy, Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is that why I'm here?
Abby Sciuto: No.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then Amy's on her own.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Yankee White (#1.1)" (2003)

Abby Sciuto: You dudes in the Secret Service ever think about throwing yourselves in front of the President's diet?

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Hiatus: Part 2 (#3.24)" (2006)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Gibbs also thinks the Giants just won the Superbowl and that Dancing with Wolves was an academy award nominee.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, I loved that movie.
Officer Ziva David: Me too. Those Indians were so macho in their...

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: An Eye for an Eye (#2.17)" (2005)

[Abby and Ducky are in her lab, talking to Gibbs on the phone. Ducky starts to report, then remembers his manners]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I'm sorry. Ladies first.
Abby Sciuto: That is so sweet!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It's a pleasure, I'm sure.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Today, Abby!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Iced (#3.19)" (2006)

Abby Sciuto: My Army. Major Mass Spec. Captain Comparison Microscope. Ensign...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Isn't an army rank. It's actually navy.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Eye Spy (#1.11)" (2004)

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You still in touch with your old NASA boyfriend?
Abby Sciuto: He *wasn't* a boyfriend. He was a *boytoy*! And yes, we IM everyday.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Jeopardy (#3.22)" (2006)

Abby Sciuto: Whoaw, after all these years I am finally losing my crime-scene virginity

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: My Other Left Foot (#1.12)" (2004)

Abby Sciuto: This guy had huge feet. You could wear this sock as a leg warmer.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What are you implying, Abby?
Abby Sciuto: I'm not implying anything. But you know what they say about guys with big hands and big feet, right?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What?
Abby Sciuto: They're clowns.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Deliverance (#6.15)" (2009)

Abby Sciuto: [about Gibbs' service number being found at the crime scene] That's like shining the Bat-symbol and Batman showing up.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Kill Ari: Part 1 (#3.1)" (2005)

Abby Sciuto: [Kate has just been killed. Abby is weeping and staring at a caricature sketch Kate drew of her as a bat] I *really* liked you, Kate.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Family Secret (#3.16)" (2006)

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You know how I feel about coincidences, Abbs.
Abby Sciuto: Equatorial pygmies know how you feel about coincidences, Gibbs.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Family (#5.2)" (2007)

Abby Sciuto: The prints were made by a residue of polysaccharide dust derived from beta-glucose. What makes it interesting, is the backbone of D-xylopyranose, linked with eight xylose units... Panda poop.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Panda?
Abby Sciuto: Poop. Which is why it fluoresces, like all other poop does. What makes it really, really interesting... is the sodium hydrochloride: a.k.a. Chlorine bleach.
Abby Sciuto: [pause] I, lost you at "poop", huh.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Uh huh.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Forced Entry (#2.9)" (2004)

Abby Sciuto: [about a suspect] This guy is cleaner than cleaner, whiter than white. If you put him in a line up with snow, snow is going to jail.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Red Cell (#2.20)" (2005)

Abby Sciuto: You might be smart, but *my* geek carries a gun!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Aliyah (#6.25)" (2009)

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, when is she coming back?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's not.
Abby Sciuto: No! This cannot happen! Vance cannot do this *again*!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It wasn't Vance's call.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Then who?

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Identity Crisis (#5.4)" (2007)

Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: He's Kamal? He would have had to start when he was 8 years old!
Tony: Not if he's the new Dread Pirate Roberts.
[referring to The Princess Bride]
Abby Sciuto: I love The Princess Bride! No one would ever surrender to the Dread Pirate Wesley.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [gives Tony a blank stare, not understanding the reference]
Tony: [chuckles] Ah, The Dread Pirate Roberts picks a successor, trains him, starts calling him Roberts, then settles into a cushy retirement. It's the name Kamaul that sells the business.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Angel of Death (#4.24)" (2007)

Officer Ziva David: You can beat a polygraph.
Abby Sciuto: No you can't!
Officer Ziva David: I've done it, Abby. It's part of Mossad training. All you have to do is...
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Oi. Hello! If it's unethical I can't hear it.
Officer Ziva David: WELL DON'T LISTEN!
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: [puts fingers in ears] la la la la la go ahead la la la la

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Leap of Faith (#5.5)" (2007)

Officer Ziva David: [re: Gibbs giving Abby a bouquet of black roses] Is that what you get for turning down the job offer?
Abby Sciuto: No, for solving the case.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I believe those are for me, then, because I solved the case.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But Abby ran the photo recognition that ID'd Lt. Arnett.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I risked my life hanging off a wall.
Officer Ziva David: She discovered the drug interaction that made Arnett suicidal.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I suggested we run the wife's DNA.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Against a National Database of Felons. Dead end. Abby went the extra step and compared it to the Interpol Database.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't believe this.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Give it up, Tony.
Officer Ziva David: She will always be the favorite, Tony.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Bait (#3.18)" (2006)

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [after Abby hits him] Hey!
Abby Sciuto: We should have thought of that hours ago.
[braces for McGee to hit her]
Abby Sciuto: Don't be gentle.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I am not gonna hit you.
Abby Sciuto: Come on. I deserve it.
[braces again]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No!
Abby Sciuto: [pause] Elf Lord.
[Abby braces again. Cut to outside Abby's office]
Abby Sciuto: [o.s] OW!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: UnSEALed (#1.18)" (2004)

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Kate get you the stuff from Curtin's cell?
Abby Sciuto: It's on its way. Kate rules.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I thought Abby ruled.
Abby Sciuto: Good women don't mind sharing a throne, Gibbs.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Ravenous (#3.17)" (2006)

Abby Sciuto: I was just about to call Tony and McGee. I think they were having sex.
Officer Ziva David: Tony and McGee?

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Recoil (#5.16)" (2008)

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Always suspect the spouse.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Speaking from *personal* experience, Jethro?
Abby Sciuto: That's why I'm *never* getting married.

"NCIS: Los Angeles: Killshot (#1.5)" (2009)

Forensic Scientist Abby Sciuto: All right, I will call you as soon as I find something.
Tech Operator Eric Beal: Cool. See ya, Abby.
Forensic Scientist Abby Sciuto: One day, Eric. One day.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: One Shot, One Kill (#1.13)" (2004)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as he finishes setting up the sensors] You know if this works, Abs, you're a genius.
Abby Sciuto: Oh Tony, tell me something I *don't* know.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I once dated my high school music teacher.
Abby Sciuto: Really? What was his name.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [fake chuckle] Cute.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Internal Affairs (#5.14)" (2008)

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Gibbs gave you a mission. Do what you do best.
Abby Sciuto: Dance?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Talk.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Hung Out to Dry (#1.2)" (2003)

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How long to find the acid and check out the rest of the chutes?
Abby Sciuto: Well, I'm flying solo, so at least a day.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Go faster if you had an assistant?
Abby Sciuto: Definitely.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Okay, you got the job.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I get to do forensics?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, you get to schlep for Abby. She gets to do forensics.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Outlaws and In-Laws (#7.6)" (2009)

Abby Sciuto: This is the crime scene. It was flown here on a C-130 cargo plane. Along with 2 bodies and all the evidence. And now it is mine. It is *all* mine! So I can figure out the mystery.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What mystery? Who the dead guys were?
Ziva David: Or who killed them?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Or how they ended up on the boat.
Abby Sciuto: Sure, uh, you guys should work on that. While I figure out how he got it out of the basement.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Bikini Wax (#2.18)" (2005)

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Does that say "Sex Wax"?
Abby Sciuto: That it does. It comes in Cool, Warm and Tropical.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: How does it work?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't worry about it, Probie. Pretty sure you still need a girl first.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Designated Target (#5.8)" (2007)

Abby Sciuto: Ok, Love is never having to read her her Miranda Rights.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Dead and Unburied (#4.5)" (2006)

Abby Sciuto: [discussing a murder victim's clothes] His underwear are boxer briefs, like you wear, Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're fishing, Abbs.
Abby Sciuto: So, are they regular boxers? Trunks? Bikinis? Nothing?

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Twilight (#2.23)" (2005)

[Gibbs walks in to the lab, Bert the stuffed animal farts]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It was the stuffed animal! Right, Abby?
Abby Sciuto: What stuffed animal?

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Witness (#2.14)" (2005)

Abby Sciuto: Money is a great receptor, because the ink never really dries. One bill used to snort cocaine then going through an ATM, leaves minute traces of the drugs on thousands of others. Four out of five bills in circulation are contaminated to a level that can be detected by drug dogs.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Kill Ari: Part 2 (#3.2)" (2005)

Abby Sciuto: For "Nobody leaving the building", there are a lot of people leaving the building.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Lost and Found (#5.9)" (2007)

Abby Sciuto: Know what bugs me most, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: People who say they're vegetarians but eat chicken.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: The Curse (#1.5)" (2003)

Abby Sciuto: You went to see Ducky before you came to see me!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is there some kind of priority here I don't know about?
Abby Sciuto: A girl likes to be thought of first.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Code of Conduct (#7.5)" (2009)

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No costume this year, Abs?
Abby Sciuto: Oh. After last years Jonas brothers debacle, Vance banned costumes, McGee - skinny jeans - didn't work.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Tribes (#5.11)" (2008)

Special Agent Leory Jethro Gibbs: [as Abby works on her Mass Spectrometer] Broken?
Abby Sciuto: Does a baby change its own diapers? Nay. Does it burp and feed itself? I don't think so. It takes a lot of TLC to keep my children happy and fully functioning in the Lab of Abby or Labby as I like to call it.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Sub Rosa (#1.7)" (2003)

Abby Sciuto: Is Agent McGee cute?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Can a guy be cute to you without body art?
Abby Sciuto: Sure... I'm not a snob.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Twisted Sister (#4.9)" (2006)

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, I've been looking all over the building for you.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Well, since we're low on agents, I thought I would give Abby a hand.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The only reason we're low on agents is because you sent DiNozzo home.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: There's no sense in getting us all sick.
Abby Sciuto: "Next time you send one of my team home, you clear it with me first, Director!" 'Oh, I didn't know I needed your permission to manage my own personnel, Agent Gibbs!' "YOUR personnel?" 'Last time I checked, it said Director on MY door, not yours!' The kids don't like it when Mommy and Daddy fight.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Silver War (#3.4)" (2005)

Abby Sciuto: You see something you like, McGee?
[after she has finished changing clothes]

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Nine Lives (#6.5)" (2008)

Abby Sciuto: [giddy] Sex. Mold sex. It's practically mold porn.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why are you showing me mold porn?

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Legend: Part 1 (#6.22)" (2009)

Abby Sciuto: [Speaking of Agent Macy] You know her. Not a question, Gibbs. You know her.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You find out anything, Abs, you contact me first. And then you can send it on to her.
Abby Sciuto: Are you going somewhere?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, that's why I came down here to tell you. Los Angeles.
Abby Sciuto: Into the lioness's den?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs kisses Abby on the cheek] I'm taking McGee.
[Gibbs starts to leave]
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs... It's just... last time you guys went to LA, one of you didn't come back.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'll bring him back, Abs.
[Gibbs leaves]
Abby Sciuto: Just... make sure you bring yourself back too.

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Honor Code (#3.7)" (2005)

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Are you saying Zach is a mini-me?
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs! I am so impressed with your pop culture reference!

"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Shalom (#4.1)" (2006)

Abby Sciuto: I talked to Ziva yesterday.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't bowl with nuns. I should have seen that one coming.
Abby Sciuto: I do! Ziva made me promise not to tell.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Why would Ziva care we knew that you bowl with nuns?